Should I build a house next door to the inlaws?

[davo2212]

My thai fiancee of 5 years and I are thinking of building our retirement home on her land an hour from ubon.

The only thing stopping me from doing it now is its next door to her parents and a kilometre from her brother and sisters houses.

She is awesome and simply says follow your heart and do what you want to do.

Any advice

Thanks all

Dave

[tonray]

As far away as possible

[sipi]

Good idea. As your wifes parents get older she will want to spend more time with them and it will help if you are both nearby.

[johnatong]

Build a house but make sure it is 2-300 Kms away from the "family" !

[davo2212]

Well there is 2 completely opposite answers.

[CharlieH]

I built in the same village, seemed a great (and lucky ) idea at the time. 10 years on, even my wife will say "worst mistake we ever made".

If I(we) had my time over again I would be around 50 km away minimum.

[piersbeckett]

Follow your head which is telling you its too close.

[davo2212]

Charlie why is that?

[tonray]

Only you can make the decision and we do NOT have any info to help.

1) Do you get along with them ?

2) How old are they and are they in good health ?

3) Do you currently support them (directly or indirectly) ?

4) Do they drink in excess ?

5) How far is the land from civilization ?

6) Are they relatively educated or do they live by the "Thai Way" of doing things ?

[LannaGuy]

it's like marriage quick to do and takes ages to get out of

[petermik]

It can have its advantages/disadvantages,but the disadvantages far outweigh the advantages,build away is my recommendation

[davo2212]

Tonray I've visited a cpl of times the whole family apart from my fiancee speak zero english. They are hard workers and reasonably fit.

I don't support anyone

Dont drink as far as I'm aware.

20 minutes from town.

They are rice farmers

[Seizetheday]

I wouldn't do it, but if you must why not build a very cheap house there and buy house to retire in somewhere else, then you always have a house to live in when you and the Mrs want to go back.

[tonray]

I wouldn't do it, but if you must why not build a very cheap house there and buy house to retire in somewhere else, then you always have a house to live in when you and the Mrs want to go back.

Emphasize "very cheap" because if typical, the house will be trashed while you are away.

[tonray]

Tonray I've visited a cpl of times the whole family apart from my fiancee speak zero english. They are hard workers and reasonably fit.

I don't support anyone

Dont drink as far as I'm aware.

20 minutes from town.

They are rice farmers

If you are only an hour away from Ubon....settle there...buy a nice townhouse or neighborhood place. You can get to parent's place quickly if needed. Your sanity will be tested if you move into the village life. Just my 2 cents.

[sipi]

I wouldn't do it, but if you must why not build a very cheap house there and buy house to retire in somewhere else, then you always have a house to live in when you and the Mrs want to go back.

Emphasize "very cheap" because if typical, the house will be trashed while you are away.

Really? Can you provide some photos? None of the houses in our village have been trashed.

[up-country_sinclair]

Sure, build a house close to your wife's family.

But make sure you build another house at least 200 KM away that will be your primary residence.

[tonray]

I wouldn't do it, but if you must why not build a very cheap house there and buy house to retire in somewhere else, then you always have a house to live in when you and the Mrs want to go back.

Emphasize "very cheap" because if typical, the house will be trashed while you are away.

Really? Can you provide some photos? None of the houses in our village have been trashed.

I applaud you for finding a great village that maintains their properties...but everywhere I have been in country....and that includes Bangkok...the homes are a mess because zero maintenance is done, rubbish is disposed of by throwing it out in the alley between houses or right out front if that becomes too much work. if you build a house that stands vacant for any length of time in Thailand, odds are it will be a wreck in no time. Not just my opinion...when I travel again I will get some photographic evidence but I also implore you to take off the rose colored glasses when you are out and about,.

[sipi]

I wouldn't do it, but if you must why not build a very cheap house there and buy house to retire in somewhere else, then you always have a house to live in when you and the Mrs want to go back.

Emphasize "very cheap" because if typical, the house will be trashed while you are away.

Really? Can you provide some photos? None of the houses in our village have been trashed.

I applaud you for finding a great village that maintains their properties...but everywhere I have been in country....and that includes Bangkok...the homes are a mess because zero maintenance is done, rubbish is disposed of by throwing it out in the alley between houses or right out front if that becomes too much work. if you build a house that stands vacant for any length of time in Thailand, odds are it will be a wreck in no time. Not just my opinion...when I travel again I will get some photographic evidence but I also implore you to take off the rose colored glasses when you are out and about,.

Ok I will await the photos.

We built next door to the inlaws and they look after our house when we are away. Same with my neighbour. A lick of paint, grass trimmed etc.

[simon43]

deleted - I misread Ubon as Udon and suggested you build in Laos...

Edited May 2, 2016 by simon43

[sipi]

Anyway back to Davos original post. We built next door to the inlaws but for now it is only a holiday house. It sits vacant 10 months a year until I retire. In the meantime the inlaws look after it, otherwise (if it wasn't next door to the inlaws) it would possibly get broken into.

Presently we are only there two months a year. Frankly I couldn't think of anything worse than being in Thailand and not being around my family. But they are very honest and fun folk.

I am sure the likes of Charlie have good reason for changing their mind and I look forward to hearing why.

[CharlieH]

Without going into too much detail, being so close can be too convenient for family members to involve you in their lives/squabbles etc and their "requests".

I am not talking about money in any way shape or form. They have never asked for money.

The Thai "family" and its boundaries are not the same, and the what's yours is mine, and families share etc, can be taken too far at times and the establishment of boundaries is constantly required and enforcing them can become tiresome. The obvious "rank" and influence the wife's parents hold can also be a problem at times when being so close.

It has had its advantages too, in some (rare) situations, but overall, better to keep a comfortable distance, is my opinion.

Others may have a different experience.

[Sheryl]

This does not work out well the overwhelming majority of the time.

Thais do not have the same sense of privacy that Westerners do....both in terms of walking into the house whenever they please, helping themselves to anything of yours etc but also in terms of prying/interfering in personal matters.

And they will put considerable pressure on your wife to do things "their" way; this may also include pressure to give them financial assistance.

Should you have children, this will be a particular problem and you may find yourself voiceless in how they are raised.

Both you and your wife will be happier if you build further away, and relations with the inlaws will likely be much more harmonious that way.

[Pib]

Without going into too much detail, being so close can be too convenient for family members to involve you in their lives/squabbles etc and their "requests".

I am not talking about money in any way shape or form. They have never asked for money.

The Thai "family" and its boundaries are not the same, and the what's yours is mine, and families share etc, can be taken too far at times and the establishment of boundaries is constantly required and enforcing them can become tiresome. The obvious "rank" and influence the wife's parents hold can also be a problem at times when being so close.

It has had its advantages too, in some (rare) situations, but overall, better to keep a comfortable distance, is my opinion.

Others may have a different experience.

Totally agree....well said.

[thai3]

Recipe for misery IMO, but if you don't mind them all being round your house 24/7, eating your food and taking the place over- go ahead, sorry that should have been your (awesome) wife's house.

Edited May 2, 2016 by thai3

[1FinickyOne]

Davo- surely the most important thing is the quality of the family...

We built a house in the village for my wife and I guess at first I envisioned a "home base" which my wife quickly developed into a home. She comes from a poor farming family and they are wonderful people. We have built our homestead into a family compound. I have often helped with no interest loans, which are currently all paid back and quickly too.

Having come from a small family, being part of a very big family has meant adjustments, but I would say near all positive. Yes, as noted, they can live more communally than we do, but they all respect my privacy. Some drink moderately but in 13 years here, no family member has ever asked me to buy them a beer. I do not drink. They have prospered through their own work and they now have another car, so i am not the only family vehicle, but when I was, an occasional ride was asked.

Being a family there is no accounting of who did what for who - In a health emergency, there is no other response than to drop whatever you are doing and help out in any capacity. It works for me too as they will always be offering me meals and to join in on bar bq - the day my car wouldn't start, my BIL popped out the battery, took it to be re-charged and w/o a dirty fingernail, I was up and running shortly.

Yes, I speak Thai and it has improved here. No, communication is not always perfect as many of the family members speak Northern only.

I was introduced to my wife by a friend who only told me that she comes from a great family. I never feel imposed upon and am glad to help them out with what I can. They are really nice people.

So, this is the judgment you will have to make. I had originally thought of locating near the sea, but my wife would not have been happy and she is very very happy to be near her parents. She did not express this before we moved here, but it might be good to ask her. Most Thai ladies want to be near the family. If the family is going to be constantly imposing and in your pocket, you will not likely be happy there...

You might start by observing - find out if they drink too much, are in debt, play cards and gamble... you might need to spend some more time with them.

Worked well for me, but surely may not work for everyone...

[laolover88]

Why would anyone "build" a house in Issan?? If you were not married and did not have children?

[sipi]

The other thing I find an advantage of having the family very close by is that the wife spends a lot of time with them. It gives me a break (and gives her a break from me).

[davo2212]

Laolover why not?

[chrisinth]

OP, the big question you need to be asking yourself is 'Am i going to be happy there, can i adapt to village life'?

I saw from an earlier reply that you have only been there (meeting the family) a couple of times. i would suggest that you spend a longer period of time there and get to know them better before making a firm commitment. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with them but it is better to waste a couple of months and being sure that you don't become the family provider without you being fully aware of it.

Not everyone is cut out for the village lifestyle and sometimes the sweetest of dreams become the darkest nightmares without you even realizing it is happening.

This hasn't happened to me, i don't live in the sticks, but is based on conversations with those who have erred (Too many of them). When you get someone complaining that there is no nightlife, another crying (literally) that they can't get their favourite imported cheeses or wines or having to travel so far to the nearest Lotus or Makro, these are cries for help from really unhappy people who have made the wrong choice.

Be happy but beware!

Pre-planning mate, pre-planning.......................