Do Thais you know exhibit gratitude to you?

[thaibeachlovers]

In my case, my wife's family never, ever said "thank you" to me, no matter how much I did for them. I did a lot too. Rewired two houses for them, at my own expense, cleaned up the last house I lived in, and did loads of DIY  for them, but never a word.

Even my wife ( after the second year ) rarely said thank you, even when I gave her a lot of money, or bought her insurance for her etc.

 

In your experience, is this normal, or did I just get unlucky?

[1FinickyOne]

Yes, that is normal. It is one of many cultural differences. I guess you can say that if you do something really nice for someone, the 'thank you' is assumed. Geez, if you buy someone a car, of course thank you... Not saying the words does not mean that they do not feel grateful. It is your custom to be thanked, and not natural to them. 

 

If you insist on them thanking you, for some of them, it is like asking them to grovel - and they will not appreciate it. I saw a marriage fall apart for lack of acceptance of this difference, the fellow insisting and fighting with his wife every month as he gave her monthly money and she refused to thank him.

 

I have learned that the thank you is there, in the way I am treated on a daily basis, with kindness and respect. My wife has also learned that it is our custom and sometimes, for some things, she will say 'thank you so much' to my farang friends who might come with a gift of fruit. She might even say it to me sometimes, but it really is not necessary. I can see the thank you in all the work that she puts into keeping a lovely household and her kindness and good humor and sharing of raising a family. 

 

The words are rather meaningless in comparison to her actions. That is where the thank you lives. 

 

 

[chiang mai]

My wife does, frequently, her family never.

 

And more recently: a girl on a motorbike slammed into the back of my truck a few days ago and broke the tail light assembly, in the process she screwed up her arm and slashed her hand quite badly. We called the police who called the ambulance which came along and patched her up but she refused to go to the hospital because she needed to get to work. Knowing the  tail light assembly was only 800 baht and she had no money I decided to eat the cost. But then we find out that the reason she wont go to the hospital is because she has no money so we gave her 300 baht and the cop took her on his motor bile. Did she utter a word of thanks, nope! Big sigh.

 

And before anyone yells at me for being stupid, what was I supposed to do, sue her for 800 baht!

[Kwasaki]

My wife's family always say thankyou otherwise l will have my butler beat them.

[JJGreen]

Nearly always received a thankyou from girls I've dated. One long term gf I had, her family thanked me a few times I helped with things...

Not always though...i took one girl and 2 of her friends out to eat...not a word of thanks

[sanemax]

36 minutes ago, kenk24 said:

 

 

If you insist on them thanking you, for some of them, it is like asking them to grovel -

 

 

 

 

  Two very different situations "Grovelling" is when you have act in a certain way in order to obtain something . Saying "thank-you" is showing appreciation AFTER someone has given you something

[1FinickyOne]

Wow Max - thanks for the astute word picking - - that was probably why I used the word "LIKE" - - but if you are going to pick at words on a forum like this where people are just typing w/little proof reading, you are going to be very busy...

 

look, I was just trying to help the guy out. 

 

and what about you?

[Gecko123]

The relative unimportance placed on verbally expressing gratitude in Thai culture may have something to do with the Buddhist concept of making merit. If there is a common belief that you have already earned merit by doing good, a verbal expression of gratitude may seem redundant or unnecessary.   

 

But there is no question that not being thanked can sting and raises fears about being taken advantage of. Every time I feel resentment about this, I feel guilty that my motives for giving aren't altruistic enough and I am in need of spiritual healing. Have slowly learned to lower my expectations, but still a long way to go.

 

Edited September 26, 2016 by Gecko123

[sanemax]

1 hour ago, kenk24 said:

Wow Max - thanks for the astute word picking - - that was probably why I used the word "LIKE" - - but if you are going to pick at words on a forum like this where people are just typing w/little proof reading, you are going to be very busy...

 

look, I was just trying to help the guy out. 

 

and what about you?

 

 

 

 

 

  

I was just replying to what you wrote .

If you didnt actually mean "grovelling", but a word "like grovelling"

You really should have used the word that better describes what you wanted to say

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[nausea]

All the time, lots of Waing and stuff. But you should be aware of Briffault's Law, which I think applies to both males and females in Thailand. 

[Donutz]

I received plenty words of gratitude. Mostly in Dutch obviously  (Dankjewel) from my wife and friends. And ofcourse in English and Thai from friends and family in Thailand. Perhaps more often from the younger generation of people (of around my own age and below, so those born after say 1980). 

 

Such a thank you would be mostly for a gift, compliment or other such gestures. And ofcourse I would do the same when I waa given gifts, compliments and other such gestures. 

 

But gratitude can be shown in other ways such as a smile, seeing a person happy, other positive words. Shouldn't be too difficult to sense if people genuinly appreciate your actions or if they see you as a servant, mule, kwai or fool. Hint: if it's mostly one way then you might be taken advantage of. If those that you know return the favour then a thank you (was going to say "oral sign of appreciation" but I can already see the comments on that 555) is not always required.

 

TLDR: yes plenty but not always, but appreciation was always shown in one way or the other.

 

 

 

 

 

[JAFO]

My wife generally always says thank you. Not for everything mind you but a lot. The other way she says thank you is by the things she reciprocates and does for me. Like I may wash her car but then she will mow the lawn. I know its not a "verbal" Thank You but the intent is clear.

 

[1FinickyOne]

3 hours ago, sanemax said:

 

 

  

I was just replying to what you wrote .

If you didnt actually mean "grovelling", but a word "like grovelling"

You really should have used the word that better describes what you wanted to say

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Aw come off it! - you were not replying to what I wrote because what I wrote was about Thai culture and how many Thai's act in a certain instance... I am still content with "like grovelling" and you are really really nit-picking... 

 

grovelling is an act of demeaning and to be doing something "like grovelling" would be the same... I am trying to assist someone with information and you are criticizing one word, that you think there might have been a better word for, though everyone else has no problem understanding... 

 

please excuse the use of "really really" as that would be repetition - you might have been "just" replying [just would be an uneccesary word here]  but you were not replying "justly"  and even if this was English class, your post is "like" obnoxious. 

 

 

 

 

[richard_smith237]

Friends, I'm not so sure about gratitude, gratitude for what?... Mutually respectful friendships, yes... 

 

Wife's family regularly show gratitude...   I'm not sure thats the right word though...  

 

They regularly take us out for dinner...  We also regularly take them out for dinner. 

FIL brings me Wine and / or Whisky... 

 

And... they just turned up with food, so I'll put the Lap Top away and be sociable... 

 

 

[Donutz]

I think that what Jaffo and Richard discribe are the normal, universal, manner in which people who have mutual respect for eachother show their happiness and gratitude. :)

 

And could we please not argue about the proper use of a word or if it waa not used 100% perfectly? To me it was perfectly clear what Kenk's message was. Kreng jai, smile, don't worry about insignificant things.

 

Edit: Thank you 555

Edited September 26, 2016 by Donutz

[CharlieH]

The instances of not being thanked are far more rare than those where I have been thanked.

 

 

[samsensam]

 

i've lost count of the number of gifts and meals i've been treated to from my thai friends. thai's are incredibly generous people - unless of course you're the type of person whose paying for a thai to be your friend/gf/bf in which case you're expected to pay. and boy, you will pay!

 

up to you.

[YeahSiam]

Always been thanked when I've done something for lady friends.

I think good manners transcend cultural boundaries.

I'd stake any money you like that if the person doing the favour was a Thai, there'd be no mistaking the gratitude.

OP's suspicions are correct - he got unlucky.

[starky]

Obviously. Thais I don't know exhibit gratitude. Continual waiing, kow-towing and even a fair amount of graaping and that's just when I meander down the soi. Most Thais, as expected,  are grateful just to have my shiny white colonial ass in their country  that's before I have even thrown a few lazy baht in their direction. Of course one attempts to be modest but where would these savages be if I had not graced them with my presence. 

[sanemax]

There re some Families from villages who think that every Felang gets given a plastic bank card and they can to to any and every ATM machime in town and take out 10 000 Baht from each and everyone one everyday .

  And the only reason that the Felang doesnt go to every ATM machine and talking out 10 000 Baht from each one everyday and giving all the money to the family is because the felang just doesnt care about the family

[villagefarang]

Some Thais I know are so incredibly polite and generous it is almost infuriating.  Others I know are a little rougher around the edges.  My wife and I are always polite, appreciative and say thank you.

[thaibeachlovers]

23 hours ago, kenk24 said:

Yes, that is normal. It is one of many cultural differences. I guess you can say that if you do something really nice for someone, the 'thank you' is assumed. Geez, if you buy someone a car, of course thank you... Not saying the words does not mean that they do not feel grateful. It is your custom to be thanked, and not natural to them. 

 

If you insist on them thanking you, for some of them, it is like asking them to grovel - and they will not appreciate it. I saw a marriage fall apart for lack of acceptance of this difference, the fellow insisting and fighting with his wife every month as he gave her monthly money and she refused to thank him.

 

I have learned that the thank you is there, in the way I am treated on a daily basis, with kindness and respect. My wife has also learned that it is our custom and sometimes, for some things, she will say 'thank you so much' to my farang friends who might come with a gift of fruit. She might even say it to me sometimes, but it really is not necessary. I can see the thank you in all the work that she puts into keeping a lovely household and her kindness and good humor and sharing of raising a family. 

 

The words are rather meaningless in comparison to her actions. That is where the thank you lives. 

 

 

Thanks for all the replies. Very interesting, and it seems that Thais generally don't say it.

To reply to this post-

I did buy a car ( though I didn't know I had till she showed it to me in the garage- the money was supposed to be for her security when I died ), but she didn't say thank you.

Never asked the family to say thank you, but it hurts when I did a lot of work on THEIR houses, and not so much as "that's a nice job", even when it was something they asked me to do.

I have learned that the thank you is there, in the way I am treated on a daily basis, with kindness and respect.

All I got was them telling her to divorce me till she did ( all they wanted from me was money ).

My wife has also learned that it is our custom

Mine knows that it is my custom, but to her culture only goes one way, and it's not to me.

The words are rather meaningless in comparison to her actions

Had that been true for me, I think we'd still be together, though her "actions" did precipitate the split.

 

[YeahSiam]

38 minutes ago, thaibeachlovers said:

Thanks for all the replies. Very interesting, and it seems that Thais generally don't say it.

To reply to this post-

I did buy a car ( though I didn't know I had till she showed it to me in the garage- the money was supposed to be for her security when I died ), but she didn't say thank you.

Never asked the family to say thank you, but it hurts when I did a lot of work on THEIR houses, and not so much as "that's a nice job", even when it was something they asked me to do.

I have learned that the thank you is there, in the way I am treated on a daily basis, with kindness and respect.

All I got was them telling her to divorce me till she did ( all they wanted from me was money ).

My wife has also learned that it is our custom

Mine knows that it is my custom, but to her culture only goes one way, and it's not to me.

The words are rather meaningless in comparison to her actions

Had that been true for me, I think we'd still be together, though her "actions" did precipitate the split.

 

 

Oh dear.

Clearly it bothers you.

Aren't you thinking of jacking it in?

Oops sorry mate . Looks like you already have

Edited September 27, 2016 by YeahSiam

[thaibeachlovers]

9 minutes ago, YeahSiam said:

 

Oh dear.

Clearly it bothers you.

Aren't you thinking of jacking it in?

Oops sorry mate . Looks like you already have

Sure have. Can only kick a dog so many times before it bites you.

[1FinickyOne]

6 hours ago, thaibeachlovers said:

Thanks for all the replies. Very interesting, and it seems that Thais generally don't say it.

To reply to this post-

I did buy a car ( though I didn't know I had till she showed it to me in the garage- the money was supposed to be for her security when I died ), but she didn't say thank you.

Never asked the family to say thank you, but it hurts when I did a lot of work on THEIR houses, and not so much as "that's a nice job", even when it was something they asked me to do.

I have learned that the thank you is there, in the way I am treated on a daily basis, with kindness and respect.

All I got was them telling her to divorce me till she did ( all they wanted from me was money ).

My wife has also learned that it is our custom

Mine knows that it is my custom, but to her culture only goes one way, and it's not to me.

The words are rather meaningless in comparison to her actions

Had that been true for me, I think we'd still be together, though her "actions" did precipitate the split.

 

My wife did not say thank you when I bought her a car this year. But, I did not expect it any more than her saying "abra cadabra" it is just not her way, not her culture, but it does not mean that she does not appreciate it. I know she does. And she is such a nice lady that I was glad to be able to give it to her. 

 

Sorry to hear of your situation... what sounds to be a true lack of gratittude... actually, it sounds quite a bit like a not unusual female style feeling of entitlement... keep your chin up and all,  there are some good women out there... good luck. 

[akdraw]

My first trip to Thailand I stayed at a decent hotel in Bangkok for several weeks. The manager was a stern faced Thai women that never seemed to smile. She always stood in the same spot eyeing the staff. Funny how they slowed to a standstill when she wasn't around. Anyway one day while out and about I was given a large bottle of alcohol. I don't drink, don't remember what kind it was. I get back to the hotel, checked for messages, and offered the bottle to the manager. Her face lit up with a beautiful warm smile as she thanked me. After that day whenever I encountered her she would smile, greet me using my name, and wish me a good day. About a year and a half later I go back to Bangkok. When I arrive at the same hotel with no reservation I walk up to the front desk and I hear my name, as I look up I see the same Manager with that beautiful smile. With the warmth she showered on me you would have thought I gave her a box of jewels.

 

[manfredtillmann]

with out fail my wife and her family thank me when i have done something good for them - just like i make sure they all know how grateful i am for all the good deeds they bestow onto me.

i would be nobody here without them and their lifes would be pretty crappy without me.

both parties know - and both feel and show our gratitude.

[MahasarakhamMitch]

The older ones don't say thank you but it may be that they are embarrassed. Sometimes I think the dad feels that he should be providing for his family. When we have helped the younger members of the clan they do say thank you

[Alive]

Everyone is nice to me generally. You may not get thank you but you should be able to see appreciation and respect in your relationship with them. If you are close together with your partner, it's not a thank you situation in my view. Both my wife and myself have been together for 14 years so we are mutual in how we treat each other. Of course my wife is expressive with kisses and showing love when she gets something special but most of the time our life is a routine. We built our home over years and honestly it never really was finished. We'z po folks but happy enough. My step-daughters always say thank you when they get money for uni or something special. And the people I know in everyday life are usually very thankful when I do something for them. Just my experience.

[KMartinHandyman]

My wife says thank you when I do something that impacts her negatively. She's fun like that !