The Thailand way of thinking

[DUNROAMIN]

Hi to all. I have raised this issue to get some feed back from fellow expats and try to gain some knowledge of how Thais value ones life. I have been here now about 18 months and struggle to understand what makes Thais tick. Firstly, from what I have observed so far is that Thais have very little emotions regarding loved ones, I very rarely see any emotion with my Thai family and extended family, I have witnessed my Thai G/F who is a mature country born women now at 47 return home to see her family after nearly one year and not one hug or touching with Mama or family. I also saw this with her other close G/F's.

I took my G/F to Pattaya for a holiday to see her children from her previous marriage. I thought it would be nice to meet her kids, ages, 16, 18 and 22. ( All kids live in Chonburi) After a few days there,  I asked why her children did not come and visit her, she told me they all had different reasons for not coming, a bit strange! I said to her why can't we go and see them, she responded with "it would be too hard for her to see them all and leave them again". She has not seen them for about two years now. I need to explain that she is in contact with them frequently via "Line" and sends them money now and then. Also I noticed, there is little grieving for lost love ones, seem to be more interested in how many $Barht$  will they get from the deceased or person responsible for the death of the family member.

Coming from a Western country with a Christian up bringing I am used to embracing family and friends and see this as the norm and I know Mothers normally have a strong bond with their childen, unlike men.

Is it something to with their religion or the way the are raised from childhood, or is it in their genes when they are born.

I do love my G/F and I know that she loves me, as she does show emotions and affections towards me.

Would like to hear from anybody with similar circumstances or have witnessed same.

Cheers

 

 

[Kwasaki]

It's a culture thing, 18 months is not long enough try waiting about 7 years.  

[kannot]

check how they drive to see how they value  life

[tonray]

That family is not indicative of Thais in general. Mothers are overwhelmingly important in Thai society. Fathers are simply a second thought...'oh yeah he is still at home, but never think of him'. I see parents lovingly hug and smother their kids with affection every day ...I am not sure why you don't.

 

Sons generally don't figure into the care of elder parents but daughters are expected to 'take care' with regards to their parents but especially mothers. This puts tremendous pressures on most young women, the ones you see in Bangkok for example likely send home at least 1/3 or more of their salary to mom.

 

If the kids don't show affection to mom, there was something amiss in the history of the relationship, likely the fact that mom did not actually raise the kids and they were raised by grandma or aunties while mom worked elsewhere and sent money back to the province.

[Berkshire]

OP, this has nothing to do with the Thais.  It's more about your GF and her dysfunctional family.  All the Thais that I know love their families and show it, probably more than westerners do. 

[SgtRock]

5 minutes ago, Berkshire said:

OP, this has nothing to do with the Thais.  It's more about your GF and her dysfunctional family.  All the Thais that I know love their families and show it, probably more than westerners do. 

 

Agreed 

[samsensam]

 

oh boy, agree, nothing to do with thailand, there are dysfunctional families in every country in the world.

[tifino]

maybe OP's line, goes along like this? :

 

wife falls over backwards, trying to get a response from her daughter, to at least say 'hello'

 

She'll ring them up, and instead of getting a 'hello' response - gets a 'yes?, or a 'what?"

 

Hubby gets treated like there' is no need for wife to show him any affection,

and it turns out that what her girls are doingto her, is simply a copy of mum - but back onto her instead

 

it seems maybe there's a mental block, in not being able to step outside one's own (thai) self,

turn around to 'see' themself, 

and look at how she/he seen by others, in how he/she acts...

 

this thing they do - only approach/comtact someone - if they want something...

 

From my angle - a wife don't need to be intimate to hubby:

- when she's already got what she wants:

          therefore: in her words: "she  don't need the man"

 

Thai children only like daddy, not mummy - because they get what they want from daddy.

 

 

it's a bit like your pet cat:

When it's meaowwing you,

it's really saying: "good mate buddy pal - where's my food"

 

 

 

 

 

 

[1FinickyOne]

I live with a Thai family and have been here many years. My family is very close and caring, would do anything for each other, but they do not show much physical affection. Some towards the kids. And I rarely see anyone in the countryside here who does show physical affection in public... maybe old traditional style, not sure. But, I have no doubt as to their caring for each other. This is evidenced every time someone is ill or in need and everyone will drop anything to come and assist. 

 

My family in the West never did either though. 

[JaiLai]

2 hours ago, Berkshire said:

OP, this has nothing to do with the Thais.  It's more about your GF and her dysfunctional family.  All the Thais that I know love their families and show it, probably more than westerners do. 

Thailand must have amongst the highest % of dysfunctional families in the world, i've never seen anything like it.

 

 

[JaiLai]

2 hours ago, kenk24 said:

I live with a Thai family and have been here many years. My family is very close and caring, would do anything for each other, but they do not show much physical affection. Some towards the kids. And I rarely see anyone in the countryside here who does show physical affection in public... maybe old traditional style, not sure. But, I have no doubt as to their caring for each other. This is evidenced every time someone is ill or in need and everyone will drop anything to come and assist. 

 

My family in the West never did either though. 

They show affection to the kids till their about 14/15, that it....

[NanLaew]

Ahhh, grasshopper.....

[1FinickyOne]

7 hours ago, JaiLai said:

They show affection to the kids till their about 14/15, that it....

 

Agreed - even younger the affection stops... seems mostly for the toddlers - - and yet, as a family unit, my family is amazingly functional. They all chip in and help each other with no questions asked. Everyone helps out in any way they can and this is very visible in times of problems. After coming from a successful but very dysfunctional family in the West, I am quite impressed. And in my country region, I think it is more common than not. 

[catman20]

wouldn't know i only date girl with little or no family not into being way down the line and competing with 30 family members in front of me plus the dog

[Berkshire]

8 hours ago, JaiLai said:

Thailand must have amongst the highest % of dysfunctional families in the world, i've never seen anything like it.

 

 

 

This only demonstrates the sort of Thais you associate with.  The one demographic full of people from dysfunctional families are bargirls.  Which is why most are in that line of work to begin with.  The "normal" Thais I know are nothing like that.

[mesterm]

Family is the most important thing to Thai women, more important than farang boyfriends for sure.

 

You may not see them hugging and embracing, but when push comes to shove (usually at a balcony!), the foreign bf is the one to go.

[silent]

13 hours ago, samsensam said:

 

oh boy, agree, nothing to do with thailand, there are dysfunctional families in every country in the world.

Definitely. I'm from one.  

[transam]

I know many Thai families and never see affection, only small kids get it. The way it is.

 

I always give Mrs.Trans a hug and a kiss during the day, but we have her mum here for a couple of weeks, now the hugs and kisses have to be shelved until she goes back home...

[JingerBen]

13 hours ago, Berkshire said:

OP, this has nothing to do with the Thais.  It's more about your GF and her dysfunctional family.  All the Thais that I know love their families and show it, probably more than westerners do. 

Exceptionally good post, Berkshire.

Concise and to the point.

You really plugged his hole.

[Deepinthailand]

14 hours ago, kannot said:

check how they drive to see how they value  life

Same old Kannot nothing to do with the subject just another grumpy side show

[hawker9000]

"Way of thinking"?  Thais are indoctrinated from birth with a philosophy of acceptance, not one of critical assessment and forward action based on due consideration.  Some foreigners seem to be able to fall into that cultural groove; others find it superficial, dysfunctional, a relic of the caste system, and not really about the public interest  (the former missing no opportunity to tell the latter to "love it or leave it").  I'm not actually sure this is quite as true of the social elite as everyone else, however.  It's easy to see how a privileged person who adopts a more western way of thinking based on "enlightened self- or family-interest" can take advantage of those who stick with the more traditional, fatalistic, mindset.

 

[AlQaholic]

Thai people have traditionally learned how to show family affections through the Soaps on TV. Nowadays that is changing with social media.....

[AsianExport]

Thailand ? Thinking  ? what are you talking about ? I never met any Thai who even know this word !

[AsianExport]

3 hours ago, catman20 said:

wouldn't know i only date girl with little or no family not into being way down the line and competing with 30 family members in front of me plus the dog

 

 

My fav are orphans, at least they will cost me less.

 

 

[pauleddy]

Hawker nails it for me.

 

I read a long thesis/thesis-length academic essay from the 1990s (written by a Thai): it was excellent, although I cannot remember the name of the academic author. It contained about eight major points of cultural difference, including the "acceptance" thing.

 

In addition: Partners and lovers here rarely even touch in public, yet alone kiss (but friends often lean on shoulders etc). I lived in France and Spain for many years, and I am very familiar with people cheek-pecking/embracing even with acquaintances. A close male friend of mine aged 40 (not gay, by the way)--in Madrid--will often kiss his father when he goes home every few weeks, which is normal in Mediterranean culture. I always cheek-peck my gay friends and hug my straight friends much as footballers do.

 

After twelve years here, the thing that really bothers me is the money-grabbing thing. Whilst I know that professional sex workers ask for money, and need to have a wage in order to eat, I cannot get used to being perceived as an ATM even with suitors/lovers/friends with benefits who are playing the "long game" (not wanting money today, but will ask for a new bathroom for Mother-in-Law next year...). It's almost as if we are paying a "tax". The only people who are not interested in farang money appear to be the 1% of the populace who are already loaded. I don't trust 70% of the "normal" people...maybe I am paranoid or just a sad case? But, in this land of fake smiles, money always lurks as an issue. Some armchair psychologists may see this as a facet of "human nature", although I spend time in Malaysia every few months without getting the same sonar ping that I get here ("take care me..."). Even in Hanoi or HCM you get the obvious vibe from sex workers and some "regular" people, but here in LOS it's always lurking. Some theorists say that it is the need for security stemming from rural poverty, although I can't accept that as the whole story. Maybe it's avarice arising from too many Hollywood movies, which give the mistaken impression that all farangs drive Jaguars and Lambos?

 

Any useful insights?

 

Eddy

[YeahSiam]

4 hours ago, catman20 said:

wouldn't know i only date girl with little or no family not into being way down the line and competing with 30 family members in front of me plus the dog

 

Why anyone think that a stipend enables them to leap the pecking order in line for affection is beyond me

[Retiredandhappyhere]

My Thai girlfriend used to own a fairly profitable retail shop in Bangkok and often helped out members of her family with substantial amounts of money to start up their own businesses or to pay off crippling bank loans.  When she fell on hard times herself, no-one offered to help her or was interested but now she is financially OK again,  she hears from them again when they need help.

 

Meanwhile, she has many friends who keep in touch almost daily and who never ask for any financial help. You can choose your friends but you are stuck with your relatives. 

[Nurseynutcase]

Have read the OP and all the replies.

I am from the UK and I find the'touchy-feely', hugs and kisses which is now prevalent in western society intimidating.  Upbringing? probably, but I strongly dislike being hugged and kissed by people who I may have met only once, I feel they are invading my personal space.

I don't mind so much when it's long term close friends but not relative strangers.

 

Thus i can understand and appreciate the Thai attitude.

[seajae]

speaking to my wife's friends they comment that they prefer non thai men because they do tend to show their feelings more than thais do and it is something i have noticed over the years. I was told not to kiss my wife in public because thais think only hookers do that sort of thing, I also know our daughter gets extremely upset if she sees me kiss my wife goodbye etc. I put it down to the different cultures, in the west we tend to show out feelings where ever we are, here they do not and get embarrassed, no idea why as I look at showing your wife/children you love them as being a part of life, maybe here it is a face thing or just thainess

[Global Guy]

I have helped a number of Westerners transition to moving to Thailand over the years. One of the big things I repeat over and over it that you have to erase 95% of what you know about life and relearn it all in Thailand. Otherwise, you play the endless game of comparing Thai life to life in the West and it will frustrate, annoy, and/or anger you.

 

I have replaced "Why do they.......?" with "How can I........?"

 

If you ask why, you are eventually doomed to frustration.

 

This is difficult for Westerners because we think our way is the standard way of doing things. For example, we think it's safer to look for traffic when coming off a side street onto a main road. Thais, they just drive onto the main road and expect everyone to move out of the way. We think that's crazy because you put your life in all the other strangers hands. But that's just how it is.

 

As a former clinical psychotherapist, I used to have a natural tendency to cognitively decipher behavior here. I stopped that 100% within the first few months of living here. My all time favorite saying "don't look for logic where there is none" can be best modified for here as "don't look for Western logic where there is none." Adjust your expectations.

 

It's not a judgment or a better/worse issue, it's just a observation of what is. You see things, don't try and figure them out. Just adapt. Let things flow through your brain with little to no thought to them or you will drive yourself crazy. I often feel like I float through life here because I have to put my mind in neutral just to survive. It's almost like a perpetual daydream state. That's what works for me. If I pay too much attention to everything, then it attaches to my Western upbringing filter, and it's frustrating.

 

Just my 2 cents....