Left out in funeral ceremony at mother in laws funeral

[dutchman]

My gf is giving me a side show at her mom s funeral

Good for travel with car up and down 2000 km for attend funeral

and sit there 3 days with non english speaking thais.

 

All the ceremonial things you normaly do as a couple i was left out

as she did all by herself single.

The last day at the temple before the burning where all go up to the coffin to say goodbye

i was left behind sit there alone while family go up together.

 

this was all in opposit with her dad s funeral where drag me to do all ceremonial things with her

together

 

For me it is clear it is not normal and i told her few days afterwoods we spit up.

Living with her 5 years and take care her good is apentently not good enough

as i dont buy her a house or a car.

 

I like to hear comments on that behaviour of leaving the spouse out of the ceremonial where

the family gather for last greatings.

 

thanks

 

 

Edited March 26, 2017 by dutchman

[Orac]

I have felt the same at my MIL funeral a few years back but, to be fair, I do try to keep her family at arms length anyway despite spending several weeks a year with them.

Can I ask how much time you spent with your gfs family over the five years you have been with her - if you have made the effort to get to know her mother previously it is very wrong for you to be totally excluded from such a family event.

[dutchman]

i know the mother about 10 years and i live with my gf 5 yrs now

visit the family regulary but not to many times.

the mom always was nice to me and ask me to take care her daughter at the dads funeral.

Edited March 26, 2017 by dutchman

[whoareyou]

When the golden goose didn't deliver she wanted out. That's pretty clear

I wouldn't worry about the funeral now, sounds like you got the cold shoulder. Her mind already made up, now she just needed a good fight to to justify it.

[Rc2702]

Maybe with her mother passing her role towards the family will differ. Added responsibilities, perhaps she inherits something?

 

 

 

 

[howard ashoul]

I think that subconsciously she doesn't see you as a part of her family. So when time comes for her family to say goodbye, she goes with her family and leave you behind, because she simply forgets about you, you're not the family. You're the farang.

 

You can get over it and continue living your life. Or buy her house, car, marry her and maybe then you will became member of family.

 

On the positive note. Thais are very family oriented. My GFs father died 5 years ago.  Her brother died 1 years ago. And her mother died 2 months ago. Now she is left only with a sister. Since her mother death my GF changed a lot. She puts more value to our relationship. A could tell since the first week. Before she was all over her family and doing anything for them. Since she lost them she changed her attention to our family. Maybe your GF will also start orienting more at you after she will realize, that you are for her closest person left.

Edited March 26, 2017 by howard ashoul

[sanemax]

Its not all about you, though , is it ?

Your GF was there for Her Mothers funeral, and She probably had other things to be concerned with .

   Family members she hasnt seen for a long time, organisation and cost of funeral and the bereavement .

  This wasnt all about you, you should have just taken a back seat and let the family get on with the funeral

  

[Peterw42]

OP, was the MIL the oldest sister/child by chance, and the matriarch of the family ? That could possibly make the funeral more about the broader family and less about the immediate family. Also, if your wife is the eldest etc, the responsibility falls on her to be one of the main host/family representative at the funeral, meet and greet the relatives etc.

At the FILs funeral, the MIL would have been host/grieving etc, at the MIL funeral your wife possibly did more of that role.

Edited March 26, 2017 by Peterw42

[roo860]

Taking a back seat is sometimes better. Let them get on with it, their way, their style.

Sent from my SM-G920F using Thaivisa Connect mobile app

[Rc2702]

1 hour ago, sanemax said:

Its not all about you, though , is it ?

Your GF was there for Her Mothers funeral, and She probably had other things to be concerned with .

   Family members she hasnt seen for a long time, organisation and cost of funeral and the bereavement .

  This wasnt all about you, you should have just taken a back seat and let the family get on with the funeral

  

Agreed, she just lost her mother so her grieving and your feeling of rejection has maybe come at the worst time for her whilst she dealing with the loss. 

[dutchman]

I did sit back all the time but i was left out in the part taking me up to

the final say goodbye.

I know about this when her father died i never complain.

we did the envelop exchange at her fathers house together and at the temple she took me go up together to the coffin same as all visitors do to say last goodbye.

and her father i d only saw 1 time

Now she just handed me her bag and go up alone and left me behind.

Her explanation was i d say goodbye to her mom at the  house already.

Edited March 27, 2017 by dutchman

[FritsSikkink]

On ‎26‎/‎03‎/‎2017 at 9:45 AM, dutchman said:

i know the mother about 10 years and i live with my gf 5 yrs now

visit the family regulary but not to many times.

the mom always was nice to me and ask me to take care her daughter at the dads funeral.

About time you learn Thai then so you can actually speak to them. Don't complain that you are left out because you refuse to adept to a strange country.

Edited March 30, 2017 by FritsSikkink

[steven100]

On 27/03/2017 at 0:05 AM, howard ashoul said:

You can get over it and continue living your life. Or buy her house, car, marry her and maybe then you will became member of family.

This is exactly correct .... 

 

You may have been with her 5 yrs .....  but you may as well have been 10 yrs, no different as you haven't provided a roof over her head or the families head, you haven't given a car or anything really ...  just bonking the daughter.

 

So until you are serious about the relationship,  thats how it is.

Surely you can see ....   she wants security and committment ...  nothing wrong with that.

[swissie]

Op has already isolated the problem: He took care of her for 5 years, but diden't buy house nor car. There is the problem.

Once more, this is a good "manual" for the Farangs. = To assure love and symphaty: Buy house, car(s) and generally just keeep on forking money over to the "Family". Matrimonial happyness is assured. By all means, don't stop.
If not adhering to this concept, the Farang will soon be classified as a long nosed foreighn subject, with no practical (financial) use for GF/Wife/Family.
It's always back to square 1 in Thailand: No money, no honey. Until Farangs comprehend this very basic concept, the grass will have to turn blue and the sky will have to turn green.
Cheers.

[FritsSikkink]

5 hours ago, swissie said:

Op has already isolated the problem: He took care of her for 5 years, but diden't buy house nor car. There is the problem.

Once more, this is a good "manual" for the Farangs. = To assure love and symphaty: Buy house, car(s) and generally just keeep on forking money over to the "Family". Matrimonial happyness is assured. By all means, don't stop.
If not adhering to this concept, the Farang will soon be classified as a long nosed foreighn subject, with no practical (financial) use for GF/Wife/Family.
It's always back to square 1 in Thailand: No money, no honey. Until Farangs comprehend this very basic concept, the grass will have to turn blue and the sky will have to turn green.
Cheers.

You are talking about hookers not girlfriends or wives

[StefanBBK]

After 5 years one should think about becoming a Family. That means marriage, house, kids etc.
Without final commitment you may never become family....

Sent from my SM-G925F using Thailand Forum - Thaivisa mobile app

[muzmurray]

You live in Hua Hin and you managed to travel 1000Km one way to the funeral, are you sure you were still in Thailand?

[thehelmsman]

15 hours ago, FritsSikkink said:

You are talking about hookers not girlfriends or wives

No, he's talking common sense. You think these ladies have foreigners so they can continue renting and taking the songtaw. Total BS. They do expect more from us.

[FritsSikkink]

13 hours ago, thehelmsman said:

No, he's talking common sense. You think these ladies have foreigners so they can continue renting and taking the songtaw. Total BS. They do expect more from us.

I am married and my wife works too. Find yourself a better woman.

[55Jay]

Indicative of an selfish, immature person who uses women and other people. 

 

You have not done the things needed to become a part of the family.  You keep yourself emotionally distant, fail to commit, and think about keeping YOUR money safe.  Playing house and trading a small bit of money for sex, isn't a relationship.  It's a transactional arrangement. 

 

Nothing wrong with it as long as you don't forget YOU were the one who set it up this way and you have less respect for her because she has gone along with your nonsense for so long.

 

Eventually, chicks get tired of giving away the poontang for free, and will draw the line and tell you to shit or get off the pot, cause we aren't aging in reverse here....   She turned the tables on you and dumped your ass, and now you are moaning about your feelings and being hurt?  Well Boo Hoo, here's a tissue.  Sucks to be treated so carelessly, eh?

[taiping]

Why do you want to attend these ceremonies anyway?

It's all a load of malarkey.

 

[catman20]

stay single works far better

[theguyfromanotherforum]

I am married and my wife works too. Find yourself a better woman.

What's most likely not mentioned is a 30 year age gap....

[bubba]

On 02/04/2017 at 1:40 AM, swissie said:

Op has already isolated the problem: He took care of her for 5 years, but diden't buy house nor car. There is the problem.

Once more, this is a good "manual" for the Farangs. = To assure love and symphaty: Buy house, car(s) and generally just keeep on forking money over to the "Family". Matrimonial happyness is assured. By all means, don't stop.
If not adhering to this concept, the Farang will soon be classified as a long nosed foreighn subject, with no practical (financial) use for GF/Wife/Family.
It's always back to square 1 in Thailand: No money, no honey. Until Farangs comprehend this very basic concept, the grass will have to turn blue and the sky will have to turn green.
Cheers.

I have rarely read anything here that was so incredibly shallow as this. 

[seancbk]

On 3/26/2017 at 9:45 AM, dutchman said:

i know the mother about 10 years and i live with my gf 5 yrs now

visit the family regulary but not to many times.

the mom always was nice to me and ask me to take care her daughter at the dads funeral.

 

I'm confused.   Did you want to take part in the funeral?  
 

[Emster23]

So she had to "drag" you to father's funeral. You may not have said anything verbally, but Thais are quite astute at picking up non verbal behaviors. It is already a depressing situation for her, and she probably didn't want to make it worse (and lose face) with you there scowling (even if micro expression of scowling). She was doing you, and herself, a favor.

 She has invested 5 years of your life and she is still just a girlfriend. 5 years on your time line is very different from hers. In Thailand she is approaching, or perhaps already has reached "expiration date" regarding a permanent relationship. Try looking at it from her perspective

[maxisrael]

On 4/2/2017 at 9:28 AM, muzmurray said:

You live in Hua Hin and you managed to travel 1000Km one way to the funeral, are you sure you were still in Thailand?

Try to go from Hua Hin to Chiang Rai  and you will still be in Thailand approx 1080 kilometers......

[dotpoom]

Not sure why you call the deceased your 

Mother-in-law if her daughter was just your girlfriend....maybe her family may have taken more notice if in fact she was your MIL.

  Personally, I am very happy to remain in the background, I have long accepted that I am the "outsider" in matters such as these and only called upon in most instances to "help out" financially. I am not saying that is how my "beloved" sees me....but it is how her family sees me.

   

Edited April 4, 2017 by dotpoom

[mrmicbkktxl]

Dump her,she doesn't care or respects you,maybe in the second she finds a guy who will buy  what she wants you will get dumped

[csabo]

You chose poorly.  My gf's mom is dead, her dad went MIA shortly after that and she hates her sister.  I'm the only family she's got and my wallet likes it that way.  I say get an orphan if you can find one.