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Is Grandma the boss? She is asking for marriage ceremony with Sin Sod... while the parents don't really care but have to obey Grandma?

alexlm

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alexlm Senior Member

alexlm

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Hello,

 

I met my Wife in July 2015. Yes, we are legally married, but the family doesn't know about it. It was for visa purposes.

 

After 2 years together, we haven't paid any Sin Sod. I didn't pay a single dollar to the family myself actually. I just see them sometimes when going to Isaan, Sisaket, but usually, I meet the Father for a drink and that is all because I stay in a "resort" with A/C. You know those typical bungalows.

Anyway... back to the topic:

 

The parents of my Miss are cool about not getting money or Sin Sod. They actually never got married themselves...

 

The only wrong thing for them is that the others inhabitants in the village talk about it and joke (badly from what I understand: "Stay with Farang but no have money"... you know the kind?).

 

But today, the Grandmother that appears to me to be the boss of the family (is that usual? what about in your family?) is starting to ask for a marriage and sin sod.

 

So the parents follow. And my Miss is hurt :-(

 

I don't have any money. I get 14k THB a month from my Mother. And we split the bills with my Wife.

 

Anyway, I think it's wrong to pay money to buy a girl... yes I know, it's "not like that"... but... it actually is... isn't it...

 

Is it similar in your Thai Family regarding the Big Boss Grandma?

 

Any advice?

 

Thank you for your insights!

 

Alex

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Denim Ruby Member

Denim

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Well.....first try to get a ball park figure of what grandma is thinking of. Once you know this agree that it is acceptable and that in return you will not ask for a greater amount in your wives dowry.

 

If she doesn't know what a dowry is you can get her a dictionary just in case she is too gobsmacked to believe it from the horses mouth.

 

Come the wedding....you give the cash to grandma ....she gives it to your bride who then piously returns it to you.

 

Face saved all around and everybody happy .....maybe.

 

Failing that see if you can pay by installments  like a mortgage.

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alexlm Senior Member

alexlm

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14 minutes ago, pearciderman said:

 

Great reason to get married!

 

 

You must have true love, because sure as eggs is eggs, she did not marry you for your money!

It's indeed a great reason to get married since I can now stay in Thailand for 2k a year and she can stay in France basically for free and they just want some copies to give her the hard-to-obtain Schengen visas when we go.

Love, for me, has nothing to do with marriage. If true love there is, I don't see any need to "prove it" with some piece of paper that is a pain in the ass to get.

Not sure to know the goal of your post?

Do you think she married for money or not for money? Is it irony?

Off topic BTW but thanks for your post.

Edited by alexlm
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alexlm Senior Member

alexlm

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23 minutes ago, Denim said:

Well.....first try to get a ball park figure of what grandma is thinking of. Once you know this agree that it is acceptable and that in return you will not ask for a greater amount in your wives dowry.

 

If she doesn't know what a dowry is you can get her a dictionary just in case she is too gobsmacked to believe it from the horses mouth.

 

Come the wedding....you give the cash to grandma ....she gives it to your bride who then piously returns it to you.

 

Face saved all around and everybody happy .....maybe.

 

Failing that see if you can pay by installments  like a mortgage.

Thanks for your post :)

I always thought a Dowry was for the man - family - to the woman - family.

But it looks like the main definition is the opposite!

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jeab1980 Gold Member

jeab1980

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I suggest you tell her mother to talk to her mother/MIL. Tell her to tell her that they are fine with no sinsot. Also if i was you i would let it be known you are already legally married.

In our case sinsot was given and returned. All we paid for was the knee's up. The money given to us at wedding easily covered the food  and left some extra for the MIL everybody happy all round.

Edited by jeab1980
Deleted an F after MIL lol
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pgrahmm Platinum Member

pgrahmm

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Just tell her you & your wife do not believe in sin-sot....

 

And oh - by the way Grandma we are/have been married for 2 years....Hard to ask for it & hold the Grand daughter back for ransom now - she's already your wife.....

 

Tell her in your country the brides/wife's family pays....

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alexlm Senior Member

alexlm

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4 minutes ago, pgrahmm said:

Just tell her you & your wife do not believe in sin-sot....

 

And oh - by the way Grandma we are/have been married for 2 years....Hard to ask for it & hold the Grand daughter back for ransom now - she's already your wife.....

 

Tell her in your country the brides/wife's family pays....

You are right. I always thought about hiring an interpreter and says that in France the Wife' family must pay 1 million THB, 48 hours before the Sin Sod is given.

Would love to know their next argumentation...

Edited by alexlm
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Crossy Star Member

Crossy

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If she is still compus-mentis (sp?) Granny will certainly be Boss Lady.

 

Wifey's mum is 97 (approximately) and handed over the helm to her eldest living daughter who happens to be my wife. Since we don't live within easy distance she has, in turn, handed the reins to her younger sister.

 

Younger sister takes advice from ... wait for it ... mum.

 

We've never been asked for a bean, that doesn't mean we've not contributed, we paid for a new toilet block with flushing lavs and showers (and a light). Wifey was a granny (just) when I married her so no sin-sod anyway and instant grand-kids.

 

 

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pgrahmm Platinum Member

pgrahmm

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15 minutes ago, alexlm said:

You are right. I always thought about hiring an interpreter and says that in France the Wife' family must pay 1 million THB, 48 hours before the Sin Sod is given.

Would love to know their next argumentation...

Tell her, as head of the family you're letting her off easy....Saving face for her by not asking/demanding - the love of her Grand-daughter is enough for you to be happy....

 

Grandma's probably been planning on ringing up/cashing in on the Grandkids for awhile....

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eisfeld Platinum Member

eisfeld

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At some point the grandma has to learn times have changed. Do not get sucked into submission, she's not your boss. You don't need anyones approval. Like another commenter said: village people are just that. Don't get sucked into the gossip drama and nonsense, it will lead you to nothing good. But also try to not make anyone angry, be polite and explain your situation. After all this is family and you can never get fully away from it so better not burn any bridges or seed illwill. Either they show understanding or are stubborn, could go either way. A good solution to make them save face that was already mentioned is to arrange a sin sod that will be given back.

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alexlm Senior Member

alexlm

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11 minutes ago, janclaes47 said:

 

You must live in luxury I understand.

Well if you want to share one of your villas you are welcome to do so.

We are living in a condominium with 2 A/C in 2 rooms, high-speed internet, gym... I don't even use all of this luxury.

Only rich Thais live there.

Not sure about what you mean and how that helps?

Edited by alexlm
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BEVUP Silver Member

BEVUP

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Steady up guys 

So to me it sounds like this is a young bloke living with mother in a condo who has met a girl that works in Bangkok who happens to come from Isaan

So that's where his 14k + the condo comes in & his G/F has moved in 

As time goes by these people up in the village expect movement ( in the marriage line ) as they have been seeing each other for a while

Ps: Seems very well educated (we don't know his history )

Lets hope not trolling

Edited by BEVUP
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4evermaat Platinum Member

4evermaat

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38 minutes ago, alexlm said:

Well if you want to share one of your villas you are welcome to do so.

We are living in a condominium with 2 A/C in 2 rooms, high-speed internet, gym... I don't even use all of this luxury.

Only rich Thais live there.

Not sure about what you mean and how that helps?

 

Welcome to TVF, the hub of cynicism for many cultural things about Thailand.

 

Edited by 4evermaat
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1FinickyOne Ruby Member

1FinickyOne

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2 hours ago, alexlm said:

You are right. I always thought about hiring an interpreter and says that in France the Wife' family must pay 1 million THB, 48 hours before the Sin Sod is given.

Would love to know their next argumentation...

Sin sod is not just for foreigners. I think however the answer for you is simple - let your wife take care of the negotiations. Do not get involved and do not insult anyone. Their argument will be that you are not in France and you are being a jerk. It is her family, and will be her family in the future. If you want to be helpful, stay out of it... sounds like your wife understands and is willing to help you - - 

 

ps - the couple of times I have seen farang brag that they did not pay sin sod - the family held a grudge and eventually found a way to get $ by hook or crook - and surely, the farang felt cheated, but the family felt they were cheated first... you do not need problems. Don't get in a spitting match with her family. 

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djayz Platinum Member

djayz

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Grow a pair and take the situation into your own hands. Who makes the decisions in your relationship? You and your wife or granny? 

Bring her a few nice little gifts whenever you visit her, slip her the odd 100 or 200 and that'll keep her pleased for a while longer. 

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jacko45k Star Member

jacko45k

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It is up to you what you do but don't feel overly pressured. I believe she sees an opportunity to get her hands on some money and is pushing it.

 

I recall some pressure myself and the phrase being used was 'mama feel shame have daughter live with man not married'. I just felt I couldn't let my life be controlled by the sentiments of an old lady in a rural village. She should get over it. Many years later I hear no more about it and said old lady seems to handle it and even comes to stay on a few occasions.

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KIWIBATCH Advanced Member

KIWIBATCH

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Tell Grandma...that in your country is normal for a wifes family to pay a dowry......5 head of cattle....a new car.....an I-phone 8.....a laptop computer...and a heap of cash...that should put the old girl in a headspin

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catman20 Advanced Member

catman20

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alexlm

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Hello,

 

I met my Wife in July 2015. Yes, we are legally married, but the family doesn't know about it. It was for visa purposes.

 

After 2 years together, we haven't paid any Sin Sod. I didn't pay a single dollar to the family myself actually. I just see them sometimes when going to Isaan, Sisaket, but usually, I meet the Father for a drink and that is all because I stay in a "resort" with A/C. You know those typical bungalows.

Anyway... back to the topic:

 

The parents of my Miss are cool about not getting money or Sin Sod. They actually never got married themselves...

 

The only wrong thing for them is that the others inhabitants in the village talk about it and joke (badly from what I understand: "Stay with Farang but no have money"... you know the kind?).

 

But today, the Grandmother that appears to me to be the boss of the family (is that usual? what about in your family?) is starting to ask for a marriage and sin sod.

 

So the parents follow. And my Miss is hurt :-(

 

I don't have any money. I get 14k THB a month from my Mother. And we split the bills with my Wife.

 

Anyway, I think it's wrong to pay money to buy a girl... yes I know, it's "not like that"... but... it actually is... isn't it...

 

Is it similar in your Thai Family regarding the Big Boss Grandma?

 

Any advice?

 

Thank you for your insights!

 

Alex

 
 
yes grow some bxlls
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pgrahmm Platinum Member

pgrahmm

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15 minutes ago, catman20 said:

alexlm

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Hello,

 

I met my Wife in July 2015. Yes, we are legally married, but the family doesn't know about it. It was for visa purposes.

 

After 2 years together, we haven't paid any Sin Sod. I didn't pay a single dollar to the family myself actually. I just see them sometimes when going to Isaan, Sisaket, but usually, I meet the Father for a drink and that is all because I stay in a "resort" with A/C. You know those typical bungalows.

Anyway... back to the topic:

 

The parents of my Miss are cool about not getting money or Sin Sod. They actually never got married themselves...

 

The only wrong thing for them is that the others inhabitants in the village talk about it and joke (badly from what I understand: "Stay with Farang but no have money"... you know the kind?).

 

But today, the Grandmother that appears to me to be the boss of the family (is that usual? what about in your family?) is starting to ask for a marriage and sin sod.

 

So the parents follow. And my Miss is hurt :-(

 

I don't have any money. I get 14k THB a month from my Mother. And we split the bills with my Wife.

 

Anyway, I think it's wrong to pay money to buy a girl... yes I know, it's "not like that"... but... it actually is... isn't it...

 

Is it similar in your Thai Family regarding the Big Boss Grandma?

 

Any advice?

 

Thank you for your insights!

 

Alex

 
 
yes grow some bxlls

Thai women respect strong men....Don't hide behind your wife or in-laws.....

But, Thai's have trouble with direct speakers - discretion is needed, they like to talk circles around issues (it creates more renegotiating options) & it's going to take patience....You're going to have to assert yourself as a leader in the family & hold your ground - you do your own speaking; for you & yours....

 

You already hold the hammer as you are already married for over 2 years.....You have to save Grandma's face + keep/build your own.....

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