Issues with my thai family

[klauskunkel]

Aikido will help you

he does this:

 

you do that:

 

just claim an automatic reflex response to anyone grabbing your arm.

[peterb17]

20 hours ago, KittenKong said:

I sometimes wonder just how empty and pointless my life would be if I was worried about my gay brother-in-law touching my arm.

Now I know.

You hit the nail on the head.

 

Ranting on about the brother touching his arm for 3 seconds! Threatening with police and a lawyer - what!

 

The OP really has to realise that he has married into a culture that is totally alien- back in Kansas it’s unlikely that your brother in law is a lady boy- here it’s much more common. 

 

The underlying problem - the OP is homophobic, transphobic etc etc.

 

Get over it - move on. 

[leither69]

Man up, knock him out, tell your wife and family, any more BS and your gone!! Simple

[shaurene]

I had problems with my wife regarding her grandson,  he is 14 and over the year he has stolen money out of my wallet, stole things out of our bedroom, I more or less banned him coming into the house. Wife went mad, said he is like her son. She looked after him since he was born. 

I sat down with the wife and told her straight, it is him or me. Take your pick. She came my way, he does not come in house any more.

[poanoi]

2 minutes ago, shaurene said:

I had problems with my wife regarding her grandson,  he is 14 and over the year he has stolen money out of my wallet, stole things out of our bedroom, I more or less banned him coming into the house. Wife went mad, said he is like her son. She looked after him since he was born. 

I sat down with the wife and told her straight, it is him or me. Take your pick. She came my way, he does not come in house any more.

i think this is the most applicable advice in this thread

[mogandave]

You hit the nail on the head.
 
Ranting on about the brother touching his arm for 3 seconds! Threatening with police and a lawyer - what!
 
The OP really has to realise that he has married into a culture that is totally alien- back in Kansas it’s unlikely that your brother in law is a lady boy- here it’s much more common. 
 
The underlying problem - the OP is homophobic, transphobic etc etc.
 
Get over it - move on. 

How does not wanting a ladyboy grabbing your butt make you a homophobe?

Were it his sister in law grabbing his butt he would likely feel the same way. It is inappropriate.

The difference is that if it were his sister in law, the wife and family would be all over the sister to shut it down.

Poor ladyboy gets a pass along with the attention he so desperately craves.

[Kadilo]

27 minutes ago, leither69 said:

Man up, knock him out, tell your wife and family, any more BS and your gone!! Simple

Yeah that will work 

[baboon]

21 hours ago, Sheryl said:

From what you say, he is inappropriate with everyone, not just you,  and may be a bit mentally unstable.

 

I think you should stop taking this so personally, it is not specific to you alone.  The rest of the family has obviously opted to just put up with him, but if you do not wish to, then avoid him as much as possible, but indeed, as your wife said, in either case don't over-think the situation.

This

18 hours ago, mogandave said:

I think he’s just starving for attention. He gets a rise out of you, so it continues.

I agree you should do your best to ignore him. When he puts his arm around you for a photo and grabs your butt, laugh and grab one of his tits...he’ll get the message.

Why give him all the power? Don’t let a hateful a-hole ruin your family. “Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for someone else to die.”

Your sister has known and loved her brother for (I’m guessing) 20-30 years.

Don’t get caught up thinking it’s you or him, it’s you or her entire family, and that is a no-win for everyone.

“Blood is thicker than water.”

And this. Ignore it as best as you can and don't think for a minute that when push comes to shove the family won't side with him over you.

[realenglish1]

Make it clear to your wife You do not want him in your family He is not welcome If she persists tell her you will walk out of the marriage.

 

If there is a next time and he grabs you punch him very hard Let him know you are not going to take his crap  

[JCauto]

Quick question - if the BIL were a macho kind of guy with lots of girlfriends, but also still a bit touchy in terms of liking to grab your arm when you catch up, would you have reacted similarly?

[davidst01]

21 hours ago, BEVUP said:

Haven't I read this before 

You haven't had a good run (a bit like me )

I would be keeping an I on the house papers, ect. Because I reckon the Katoey will be wanting 

 

 

Yes, you have a good memory. I wrote about this a few yrs ago when it first started. Im still putting up with this shit. 

[baboon]

Just now, davidst01 said:

Yes, you have a good memory. I wrote about this a few yrs ago when it first started. Im still putting up with this shit. 

Dealing with ar$eholes is an unavoidable part of life. Just be cold and aloof towards him.

[uffe123]

Dont buy build or buy any property in Thailand. You cannot own anything. Take it from a guy who has been there and lost a-lot. They all give you a lot of good bs, and it sounds good. Dont believe them. Lost land and money. 

[colinneil]

10 minutes ago, davidst01 said:

Yes, you have a good memory. I wrote about this a few yrs ago when it first started. Im still putting up with this shit. 

You say you are still putting up with this s++t..... Why?

Are you a man, or are you just seeking attention?

[BEVUP]

11 minutes ago, colinneil said:

You say you are still putting up with this s++t..... Why?

Are you a man, or are you just seeking attention?

He's in the old comfort zone with wife & child

He has also put everything into this

Going by his previous posts he has had a roller coaster ride

I'm wandering did he get a teachers job 

[stephenterry]

David, my take on this is different. Perhaps your worries are linked to your relationship with your wife, her intended business proposition, and taking care of your sprog. The BIL is an occasional  annoyance who causes you to trip out of self-inflicted stress and lash out, albeit not yet physical violence. The fact that you've included the In-laws, social media, and even this forum is reaching out for support - and to be honest many guys are in similar situations, and not only in Thailand. 

 

I suggest you have a heart to heart talk ALONE with your wife when the BIL leaves, to discuss your worries. The gentle (and correct) way to handle this is never to blame her by using 'You'  and don't enter into a conflict with her  but to start off by saying , e.g. 'I' am unhappy/upset with... I don't like...etc, I am worried...etc

 

Hope that helps

 

[4MyEgo]

Personally I think you let this go on for far too long.

 

Now most will call me a male Chauvinist and that's fine, I admit it, I am Chief of my tribe and if the wife doesn't like it, and the kids don't like it, they can leave my tribe.

 

Rule 1) Never get close to the wife's family, sure smile and say hello, they are not your family, i.e. you have your own and you should have a rule that no one comes into your circle, if she doesn't see the logic and cannot agree with you, then perhaps you should go away, and if she wakes up and see's the logic, then you can continue, if not, sela-vee, plenty of woman in the world, love hurts, but time heals all, if you allow it to.

 

Rule 2) My wife has a nephew who is a LadyBoy, nothing against him, but he is a few bob short of a quid, always causing problems for everyone and is on Yabba, mother always bailing him out and paying the cops off, he is banned from coming to within cooee of our place, that said the wife also knows I don't want sisters, aunties, uncles and the like around. I learnt that you knock on someones front door when you arrive, not open the screen door, leave it open for the fly's mossie's and the like to come in, and not to open the persons fridge and make yourself at home, its just not on.

 

Rule 3) Only invest as much as your prepared to lose, now if your investing in the "wife's" business, your leaving yourself wide open for failure, i.e. you have no control over it, and if things go pair shape, you lose, simple really, so do yourself a favour, stop investing

 

Rule 4) If the wife ever tries to use emotional blackmail on you, then its up to you how you shut her down, her emotions, not yours

 

The rule list goes on, just don't be a mug, if you married a girl who is close to her family and puts you below everyone else, then she is not worthy of being your wife, after all what are husbands and wives, they are a couple for each other, not having to live in each others pockets, but her family is her family, they should not be yours, you are a farang, a stranger, a source of money, their daughters future, nothing more, so realise that and work around it, you want to mingle, your call, I don't, once in a blue moon will sit and have a meal and a drink when the farang brother in-law comes from abroad for a few weeks, I have nothing in common with these people, I am respectful, do not loan them money, assist in small ways through the wife when necessary, but seldom as she shuts their requests down because she knows the look in their eyes and the culture, and she is not stupid enough to open up the flood gates.

 

If your wife is not prepared to make you happy in your marriage, move on, been there done that, lost 12 years of my happy life once upon a time, a valuable lesson learnt, never again, it all about me 1st, and this 2nd time around has been an enjoyable ride for both me and my wife, says me and her just to shut down any critics.

 

Each to their own, wish you luck, and please find those balls and stand your ground or expect to be walked over and remain miserable, your life 555

  

[MaeJoMTB]

22 hours ago, davidst01 said:

Now I don’t know if I want to invest money in the wifes business.

Never give money for a wife's business, it isn't investing, it's a gift, and she won't care about losing it.

If it's a worthwhile business, a bank will loan her the money.

If the bank doesn't trust her, why should you?

 

4MyEgo has it right about the rest.

Edited May 18, 2018 by MaeJoMTB

[BEVUP]

11 minutes ago, MaeJoMTB said:

Never give money for a wife's business, it isn't investing, it's a gift, and she won't care about losing it.

If it's a worthwhile business, a bank will loan her the money.

If the bank doesn't trust her, why should you?

 

4MyEgo has it right about the rest.

Agree with MJ 

As this may be stretching your finances, don't expect any returns, the family will be their making sure of that from all the free stuff & the never ending of loan (gift ) requirements since the old saying comes in " You must have money, you own a business "

How true they don't think of the consequences about money/dealings

Next thing you,ll find out she took a loan out for a brother / sister (against the business ), so they can try & have a crack at some type of adventure. No doubt will all go to crap & relatives walk away (oh well that didn't work ).

Leaving your wife & you at a loss

 

By the way what's the business ? I'm sure its' been done before 

 

[smotherb]

I think it goes deeper than an annoying brother-in-law. The OP mentioned what I have heard so many posters on TV say; that they are far-down on the pecking-order of love and respect from their wives point of view.

 

How can anyone accept that? How could anyone think their wife would even like them, let alone love them, if they were lower on the pecking-order than her second cousin twice-removed?

 

I would not be with any woman who does not place me and our children first. 

[CanuckThai]

OP this is Thailand....  Ladyboys or fellas a little shy in the testosterone department scaring you?

 

My wife is in the medical field, a lot of ladyboys, feminin or gay men.   I used to be really uncomfortable with the semi touchy , feelies always pulling me,  to have a their picture with the farang, at social/work gatherings .  Wife and her female coworkers would see my discomfort,  would have great chuckles, show a little skin and ask "you want that or want this"....555

 

You'll win more points by having a sense of humor, mai pen rai.

 

As many have posted before, we (non Thai) are firmly positioned somewhere between the neighbors dog and a long since dead 2nd cousin, in Thai family alignments/hierarchy/dynamics (except between you and your wife/kids).

[dallen52]

1 hour ago, Kadilo said:

Yeah that will work 

My mate Nik the Greek had a similar problem with some guy in Oz coming into his milk bar. (Takeaway).

 

Nik just played him along. 

Saying..

You like me?

You want me?

 

Come here and i give you something you never forget....

 

Stopped real quick.

[mogandave]

Quick question - if the BIL were a macho kind of guy with lots of girlfriends, but also still a bit touchy in terms of liking to grab your arm when you catch up, would you have reacted similarly?

Macho guy grabbing hid butt?

Did you mean to say butch?

[Tony125]

Can you answer this question for the forum---you are homophobic correct?   Doesn't mean you necessarily hate gays but are uncomfortable around them and therefore don't like being touched by any guy whether straight or straight looking gay guy. and definitely not katoy's. Most guys don't freak out because some guy touches their arm for 3 seconds while talking and want to call the police.  I have a friend who I have known for 30+ plus years, known his gf's , family  and on occasion when drunk gets real affectionate says your the best man, great friend I love you man and will hug me. I don't freak out and feel like I am being assaulted. 

Some ladyboys are quiet others are flamboyant and over the top in their actions, seem he is like that. (probably some mental issues) You would leave wife and kid over  an occasion visit by BIL? I would limit my time around him and the family when they are together (could maybe go somewhere else) and ignor the arm touch ---no big deal but can tell him stop if he goes further.

[RichardColeman]

5 hours ago, AntDee said:

Exactly. It's never talked about out of our Western PC culture. But, there is no doubt that Thailand is full of people born as men but who would rather be women. And, it's a sign of significant national mental instability in the male population. 

 

I'd recommend the OP to cut losses and get out of that pathetic sounding family. Gross. 

Mind you , you know what neutered cats are like. Fat, lazy and cannot be bothered.

[PerkinsCuthbert]

Oh boy!...Or should I say, Oh ladyboy!

[NoshowJones]

23 hours ago, GarryP said:

Spot on. I have known a few transgender people over the years and some of them are very touchy feely - grabbing your arm and holding on is quite common with some. Nothing is meant by it in most cases and they do it with everyone, particularly male friends and members of the family.  Obviously, it could be a problem if you have issues with transgenders. But like Sheryl I think you are over thinking it. 

I remember years ago in a big store I was talking with a salesman, and he kept on touching me despite being warned to keep his hands off, I had to threaten him with violence to stop him then walked away and he lost the chance of a sale, I know he did not mean any harm, but no one in any culture should continue do things to anyone after repeated warnings not to, transgender or not.

[rumak]

18 hours ago, FritsSikkink said:

He touches your arm and you want to get a lawyer and police involved?

If he does it again just grab his arm and remove, it ain't that difficult.

If you are going to remove his arm please notify me first as I know someone who is looking for one.

[mogandave]

Can you answer this question for the forum---you are homophobic correct?   Doesn't mean you necessarily hate gays but are uncomfortable around them and therefore don't like being touched by any guy whether straight or straight looking gay guy. and definitely not katoy's. Most guys don't freak out because some guy touches their arm for 3 seconds while talking and want to call the police.  I have a friend who I have known for 30+ plus years, known his gf's , family  and on occasion when drunk gets real affectionate says your the best man, great friend I love you man and will hug me. I don't freak out and feel like I am being assaulted. 
Some ladyboys are quiet others are flamboyant and over the top in their actions, seem he is like that. (probably some mental issues) You would leave wife and kid over  an occasion visit by BIL? I would limit my time around him and the family when they are together (could maybe go somewhere else) and ignor the arm touch ---no big deal but can tell him stop if he goes further.

When your buddy gets drunk does he fondle your butt?

I think there is a big difference between an affectionate hug, squeeze on the arm or shoulder, and a squeeze on the butt.

In any event, the ladyboy is not touching him to show affection, he is doing it for no other reason than to antagonize him.

[Pat in Pattaya]

Hahaha! Please someone tell me this is a wind up...surely no-ones life is this tragic??