Sharing my story - Advice please

[HVishalH]

Hello,

 

I am a Gay Brit. I decided to take a holiday to Thailand and before did a months trial of a dating forum to see what would happen and whether to meet someone (I did not want to  know how to meet Gay people outside of the sex scene places). I was amazed by the interest I got and whilst I originally intended someone my age I was taken by a guy 20 years younger than me, I am 48 (the looks 555). I understand poverty (I run a small charity in India with people that are often not eating poor), knew people who had gone to Thailand, went there in 1992 and I did try to research things but I was thoroughly unprepared. The man I chose did seem good, he had a job working in a sugar factory (for three months) and told me he had a better one lined up for the government. So I invited him to come on holiday with me and fitted the dates into his work contracts in April. There was some overlooked red flags, mainly him calling me his husband very quickly before we met despite my requests to him not to, and him pushing the relationship.

 

Once I was in Thailand it wasn't easy. It was very difficult for me to get him to do anything other than expensive trips (which he posted pictures of him on his own onto Facebook). His activities were watching the television, looking at Facebook, and talking to Thai. We did share the cooking, and of the 14 days we spent together he went out during the day with me three times. After the three nights in Bangkok, he also took to going out on his own every evening for 30-minutes to 2 hours, making it clear I was not invited. There was no romance either, whilst he did initiate sex (I didn't because I didn't feel he liked me) he would not kiss me. I also couldn't get him to talk to me and he didn't seem interested in improving my Thai or his English. I have tried to talk to him about these problems, he doesn't answer. 

 

Eventually he told me he has considerable debts to moneylenders, since coming back he has said he needs to pay them 7-9000 baht every month. He has also told me his dreams are of me buying him a house and car, and he is jealous of his friends who have a Westerner send them such money). As I didn't agree to send him the money every month,  (he didn't ask directly but it was clear). As I write this he is on a bus to Pattaya where he says he intends to work as a prostitute to earn the money he needs for furnishing his debt.

 

I am not sure what advice I need here as the relationship is clearly doomed unless I finance it way beyond what I am willing to, and the debt makes me more reluctant to finance it all. I don't have any prejudice against prostitutes, but have never considered dating one. I suppose I am sharing as people here don't know and I am a bit embarrassed as I got a lot of don't do its before I did. 

 

I do wonder how often this happens and how much of his behaviour is cultural, particularly the lack of romance, not wanting me to speak Thai,  and the clear second I was in his attention to his friends, television and phone. 

 

I would be interested in the opinions of people who know Thailand and particularly any Thai people. Also on how and when to end the relationship culturally speaking (I am concerned about his loss of face if I dumped him, though I dont really understand that concept). 

 

 

[HooHaa]

Just walk away. It is that simple. There is no good way to end a relationship. 

 

Be prepared for histrionics, he will mourn an opportunity lost, not the end of the relationship only you were in.

Edited June 17, 2018 by HooHaa

[Rc2702]

Template 354. Edit. Post. Job done

[AlexRich]

Is this OP serious, or just a made up story? 

 

If it’s serious just understand that you are viewed by him as a source of income, nothing more and nothing less. He’ll no doubt have another relationship, or many others. You’re role is to be a dumb farang and provide him with money. As for saving face, don’t make me laugh. Ghost this scammer and get on with your life. 

[taotoo]

1 minute ago, AlexRich said:

Is this OP serious, or just a made up story? 

See post #3.

[HVishalH]

Nope, not made up, every word is true, you will notice to. I haven't given him money. Thanks for replying.  

[BritManToo]

7 hours ago, HVishalH said:

I would be interested in the opinions of people who know Thailand and particularly any Thai people.

Thailand has plenty of prostitutes looking to make money from older foreigners.

Many will play 'the long game', if they already have customers providing immediate income.

What don't you understand about that?

Edited June 17, 2018 by BritManToo

[delphioracle]

Just croon  the words of the Nancy Sinatra  song to your ''friend.''   These Boots are Made For Walking'

[neeray]

You are getting played for the fool. He is using the female version "play book" to bilk you of money. As stated previously, this is a one sided relationship. And so that you understand, the early use of "husband" and "pushing the relationship" are all standard procedure. Check pages 3, 7 and 12.

As advised, end this arrangement soon. You owe him nothing.

Oh, and the monthly debts, also standard issue. Not your problem. Many fish in the sea. Move on.

[scorecard]

14 hours ago, HooHaa said:

Just walk away. It is that simple. There is no good way to end a relationship. 

 

Be prepared for histrionics, he will mourn an opportunity lost, not the end of the relationship only you were in.

Walk away - disappear, hopefully he can't trace you except for e.mail and perhaps telephone but you can totally block these.

 

If your still here staying in a hotel or apartment etc., quickly move and be very sure you leave no trace. If it's an apartment and they insist on a forwarding address then give them a false address.

 

Don't be openly rude in any ongoing conversations just be distant and disappear.

 

Do you owe him anything? No.

 

Did you ever discover why he disappeared for 30 minutes - 2 hours regularly at night time? If he wants a genuine relationships (which he doesn't, he wants a sugar daddy / a walking ATM machine) he would be honest with you. He's not.  

 

Will the situation ever change to bliss and love and sharing and no priority re money and gifts? No.

 

Look at it another way - if you told him and pretty much convinced him you have no money for monthly 'salaries' gifts etc., how long would he stick around? From what you've shared he would be gone in a second.

 

And yes be prepared, for crying and tantrums and pleas for a little money / a car etc., Best way around this is to disappear.   

 

Plenty more fish in the sea.

 

 

Edited June 18, 2018 by scorecard
e

[giddyup]

For crying out loud, how many signals do you need to see this will never work? To have to resort to asking complete strangers for advice, when the obvious is staring you in the face reeks of desperation.

[Crash999]

Not just doomed it never existed to begin with. Seems like he is looking for a sugar daddy and nothing more. The requests for money and his announcement that he is going to work as a prostitute is just to give you a guilt trip. 

 

Move on. There are many better fish in the sea! 

Edited June 18, 2018 by Crash999

[hansnl]

8 minutes ago, Crash999 said:

Not just doomed it never existed to begin with. Seems like he is looking for a sugar daddy and nothing more. The requests for money and his announcement that he is going to work as a prostitute is just to give you a guilt trip. 

 

Move on. There are many better fish in the sea! 

He probably is already doing "social work"

[scorecard]

7 hours ago, BritManToo said:

Thailand has plenty of prostitutes looking to make money from older foreigners.

Many will play 'the long game', if they already have customers providing immediate income.

What don't you understand about that?

Perhaps that's why he was disappearing for 2 hours many nights, to see his 'other' ATM?

[dundas]

You sound like a kind hearted person, AKA prey. 

Leave him and put it down to experience.

[SOTIRIOS]

...cut all ties...no pun intended...with this predator...

 

...predator because in this case you allowed him to take this role...over you...

 

...there is nothing civil or social about this...

 

...and it will get a lot worse...fast...as soon as you stop complying...

 

....don't try to reason or rationalize anything with this individual...

 

...if you insist on being a victim....masochist....go back home and get involved with someone that speaks the same language at least....and where you will have at least have some legal rights...

 

...and not end up flying off a balcony...!!!

 

 

...'sugar factory'.....wake up....!!!

[RichardColeman]

15 hours ago, HVishalH said:

His activities were watching the television, looking at Facebook, and talking to Thai.

Same as most  Thai women then

[KKr]

only two words of advice : GROW UP
 

[giddyup]

3 minutes ago, KKr said:

only two words of advice : GROW UP
 

Another two. Move On.

[wombat]

11 hours ago, HVishalH said:

Nope, not made up, every word is true, you will notice to. I haven't given him money. Thanks for replying.  

my bullshit meter is strong with this one.

[scorecard]

Where's the OP?

 

Did you find any answers?

[smotherb]

When you get down to basics, heterosexual or homosexual; the sex for money game is the same.

[Raram28]

You deserve better than this. There are many guys out there who are very independent and would treat you well.

 

As for this chap, you can break it up nicely and move on. No need to be rude or disrespectful. 

 

Good luck.

[HVishalH]

thanks everyone, except those who think I am making it up, but it isnt. I posted for two reasons. One to offload as I was upset yesterday and the anonymous nature of this was good for this. You lot can call me a fool and I have never have to see any of you or you to know who I am. 

 

the other is I think its worth putting these tales out there. Whilst now all the pieces are together its bloody obvious, but it was not at the beginning. It was only when I got to Thailand I realised he didnt want anything with me other than financial 

[scorecard]

OK, so don't keep us in suspense, what are you going to do?

[Raram28]

You meet a few wrong ones before you find the right one. Set this aside as an experience and move one mate!

 

Take it from another gay guy!

 

 

[timendres]

16 hours ago, HVishalH said:

After the three nights in Bangkok, he also took to going out on his own every evening for 30-minutes to 2 hours, making it clear I was not invited.

Most likely "working". Run, Forest, run! You will meet people so much better...

[Thingamabob]

Yawn.

[Tapster]

+1,000,000

 

OP,  please listen to these people.

 

I have done a couple of things in Thailand where I have reflected afterwards, "I wish I'd really listened first".

 

Please get out of this relationship.

 

Your story is well known.

 

It goes two ways from here: You walk away and after a while you will realise that you had a lucky escape, or...

 

You commit, because you're a lovely guy and you can probably change him.

 

In the latter case you will rue the day FOR YEARS!

 

Sometimes the wisdom of Thai Visa is hard won and entirely correct. This is one of those times!

 

Good luck!     ?

 

 

[cardinalblue]

You are not coming to a conclusion that you clearly you have assessed...

 

a professional dater....