Worst Joke Ever 2024

[Hamus Yaigh]

I was chatting to this woman and she told me her nickname was ‘Vivaldi’.

"Is that because you're a brilliant violin player?" I asked.

"No," she replied. "It's because my name's Viv and I work at Aldi.".

[Hamus Yaigh]

[Hamus Yaigh]

[ballpoint]

15 minutes ago, Hamus Yaigh said:

I was chatting to this woman and she told me her nickname was ‘Vivaldi’.

 

"Is that because you're a brilliant violin player?" I asked.

 

"No," she replied. "It's because my name's Viv and I work at Aldi.".

 

 

[ballpoint]

[ballpoint]

[bluesofa]

24 minutes ago, Hamus Yaigh said:

I was chatting to this woman and she told me her nickname was ‘Vivaldi’.

 

"Is that because you're a brilliant violin player?" I asked.

 

"No," she replied. "It's because my name's Viv and I work at Aldi.".

I was expecting it to be hair on a G string.

[ballpoint]

[ballpoint]

[teacherclaire]

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.

[tifino]

Today's Metrification lesson, for those in that very short list of unacquainted countries: 

 

 

[vogie]

[fangless]

2 hours ago, teacherclaire said:

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.

[fangless]

[fangless]

[fangless]

[fangless]

Two prostitutes talking over a cup of tea. 
“What’s your day been like, Gloria?” 
“Exhausting, but good business. I’ve climbed up and down those stairs more than 15 times today.” 
“Oh your poor feet!” 
 

[fangless]

Two neighbours are chatting over the garden wall. 
“When my husband comes home from work tonight, he’ll probably bring me a huge bunch of flowers.” 
“Oh isn’t that nice, you are lucky.” 
“No, not really. He’ll expect me to take all my clothes off and be on my back with my legs in the air.” 
“Oh dear, why’s that? Haven’t you got any vases?” 
 

[fangless]

The business is doing badly and one of two people from middle management will have to go. It’s not an easy decision, as both Theresa and Jack have been there a long time and they’re both very good. The first one to leave work tomorrow will get their cards, decides the Personnel Manager; that’s the only way he can think of doing it. The following evening, 30 minutes before she usually leaves, Theresa tells Jack she has a bad headache. It could be a migraine coming on, so she’s going to go home early. As she gets her coat, the Personnel Manager spots her and decides to take immediate action. He goes over to her and says, 
“There’s something I have to say to you, Theresa. I’m going to have to lay you or Jack off.” 

“Jack off!” she retorted angrily. “I’ve got a bad headache.” 
 

[fangless]

A new colonel had just arrived at the remote outpost. It was his first assignment abroad and he was determined to make a name for himself. 
“First of all, I would like a complete tour of the base,” he ordered his second in command, and for the next hour the colonel inspected every little nook and cranny, eventually arriving at a small shed. 
“What’s in there?” he bellowed. 
“A camel Sir,” came the reply, and it was explained to the colonel that because the outpost was so remote, the men would sometimes get sexually frustrated and then they’d use the camel. 
“Disgusting!, get rid of it immediately,” he ordered. 
Three months went by and the colonel was badly missing the fairer sex. He swallowed his pride and asked if indeed the camel had been removed from camp. 
“I’m sorry Sir, it is in fact still here,” said the second in command. With that, the colonel went down to the shed, dropped his trousers, got up behind the camel and gave it all he’d got. 
“There” he panted, “is that what the men do?” 
Thoroughly embarrassed, the second in command replied, 
“Not exactly, no Sir. The men ride the camel to the nearest town.” 
 

[fangless]

What was Adam and Eve’s biggest problem during their marriage?

They could never agree on who wore the plants in the family.

[fangless]

Never date a radiologist.

She’ll see right through you.

[fangless]

A man cheats on his girlfriend, Lorraine, with a girl named Clearly.

Suddenly, Lorraine dies.

At the funeral, the man stands up and sings loudly,

 

“I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone.”

[fangless]

A man wants Valentine’s Day to be special, so he buys a bottle of absinthe and stops by the florist’s to order a bouquet of his wife’s favourite flower: white anemones.

Unfortunately, the florist is sold out of flowers and has only a few stems of feathery ferns.

The man asks the florist to make a bouquet out of the ferns and the flask of liquor. He adds a card and proceeds home.

After a romantic candlelight dinner, he presents his wife with the gift. She opens the card to read,

 

“Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.”

With a tear in her eye, she whispers to him lovingly,

 

“Yes, and with fronds like these, who needs anemones?”

[fangless]

A young man is waiting in line at a post office when he notices an older man in the corner of the office, licking stamps that say Love on them and putting them on bright pink envelopes.

The man then takes a bottle of perfume from his jacket pocket and sprays the envelopes.

Curiosity gets the better of the young man, so he walks over and asks the older man what he is doing.

“I’m sending out five hundred Valentine’s cards with the phrase ‘Guess Who?’ written inside.”

“Why?” the young man asks.

The man smiles and says,

 

“Because I’m a divorce lawyer.”
 

[Disparate Dan]

apparently this is currently going viral; it's hilarious.

 

It's snowing in Scotland, the authorities have a website showing progress of the gritting trucks, and someone has 'named' them all. Follow (among many more):

 

Hello Gritty

Charles Rennie Mackinslush

Sled Zepplin

Plougher o' Scotland (think about it)

 

on their way across the country:

 

https://scotgov.maps.arcgis.com/apps/webappviewer/index.html?id=2de764a9303848ffb9a4cac0bd0b1aab

[teacherclaire]

Carpet a' la' BBQ? 

[fangless]

A woman went to the veterinary clinic to collect her sick dog.

The vet came in carrying the dog and said:

‘I’m really sorry, but I’m going to have to put your dog down.’

‘Why?’ sobbed the woman.

 

‘Because he’s too heavy.’
 

[ravip]

[ravip]