Worst Joke Ever 2024

[fangless]

[fangless]

Announcements at the Nudists' Ball:

 

Mr and Mrs Gleebits and their son, Dan

Mr and Mrs Snockers and beautiful daughter, Norma

Mr and Mrs Talia and their daughter, Jenny

Mr and Mrs Jarse and their son, Hugh

 

.The above were read out by’
Mr and Mrs Clocknews, and their daughter, Nina

[CorpusChristie]

3 minutes ago, fangless said:

Announcements at the Nudists' Ball:

 

Mr and Mrs Gleebits and their son, Dan

Mr and Mrs Snockers and beautiful daughter, Norma

Mr and Mrs Talia and their daughter, Jenny

Mr and Mrs Jarse and their son, Hugh

 

.The above were read out by’
Mr and Mrs Clocknews, and their daughter, Nina

 

   What were they announcing ?

[fangless]

A homeless man walks up to a swanky restaurant
He says to the Maitre D' 'I'm sorry to bother you but I'm homeless and haven't eaten all day. The smell of food from your kitchen is amazing, would I be able to have dinner here tonight for free?'

 

Moved though he is, the Maitre D' replies that he is sorry and he can't give out free food. 'But', replies the man, 'what if I show you something truly incredible - something you've never seen before'. Curious at the originality of the offer the Maitre D' agrees, at which point the homeless man pulls out a tiny hamster and a miniature piano and places them on his hand. At a nod the hamster sits at the instrument and starts to play. Amazed, and being a man of his word, the Maitre D' ushers the homeless man inside and takes his order.

 

Half way through the meal the homeless man beckons the Maitre D' over and says 'this food is delicious, but what would go really well with it would be a bottle of wine - would you indulge me if I were to show you another truly incredible spectacle?'. Assured of the man's ability to produce the remarkable the Maitre D' agrees and the homeless man pulls out the hamster and piano from one pocket and from the other a small frog. The hamster sits at the piano and starts up a tune, at which point the frog bursts into song.

 

The performance lasts a few minutes and by the end the Maitre D' is rushing off to grab the most expensive bottle he can find for the homeless man. While he is away from the table a rich businessman leans over and says to the homeless man 'That was the most amazing thing I've ever seen! I'll give you £100,000 for the pair of them'. The homeless man furrows his brow in thought and though he looks tempted he eventually says to the businessman 'I'm sorry, that's a lot of money but these amazing creatures are my livelihood - I simply can't part with them'. Not to be deterred the businessman replies 'Okay I understand - but what about £200,000 for just the frog?' Considering the offer the homeless man agrees, they make the exchange and the businessman leaves.

 

Upon returning to the table and hearing of the deal the Maitre D' is incredulous. 'Why did you make this deal sir? A talking frog is totally unheard of - you could have made millions from it! What on earth compelled you to part with it. Finishing his meal the homeless man stands up and says to the Maitre D' -

 

 'Oh don't worry, the hamster's a ventriloquist'

[fangless]

A very rich businessman asked his small son what he would like for Christmas. 
“A baby brother please,” he replied. 
“I’m sorry, son, there’s not enough time, it’s only 3 weeks to Christmas.” 

“Well, can’t you put more men on the job?” the son suggested. 

[roo860]

[fangless]

One day while on night traffic surveillance out in the country lanes, a policeman flags down a car for speeding.

As he walks up to the car he sees it is being driven by a beautiful brunette. 
“Excuse me, Miss, did you not see the signs, this is a 30 mph zone and you were going at least 40 mph. May I see your licence and insurance please?” 

“Oh dear,” replies the dizzy girl. Do you mean these, officer?” and she hands him some documents from her bag. 
“That’s right, Miss, won’t be a moment”, and with that he walks over to his car to radio in the details. 
“I think I know this woman,” comes the reply, “is she a dizzy brunette?” 
“Yes, why?” 
“Just go back over and take your trousers down.” 
“What are you talking about?” says the policeman in amazement. 
“Don’t worry, just do as I say, it’ll be fine.” 

So the policeman returns to the woman’s car, hands back her documents and drops his trousers. 

 

“Oh wow,” she replies, “not another breathalyser test.” 

[VocalNeal]

1 hour ago, fangless said:

Mr and Mrs Jarse and their son, Hugh

 

Mr and Mrs Jorgen and their son, Hugh

[fangless]

Just now, VocalNeal said:

 

Mr and Mrs Jorgen and their son, Hugh

Play it again Sam!

Or does that also mean come again?

[fangless]

Just to prove it is not all about Blond/Brunette putdowns;

 

A naïve young man found himself in the wrong part of town late at night, and got attacked by a gang of muggers. He put up a terrific fight but was eventually overcome and lay bleeding on the ground. When the muggers went through his pockets, all they found was a handful of loose change. 
“You went through all that just to protect a few coins?” they asked amazed. 

“Oh I see,” said the man. “For a while I thought you were after the £500 hidden in my shoe.” 
 

[fangless]

GUILTY OR NOT GUILTY?  (PLEASE VOTE ON THE JURY VERDICT AT THE END)

 

It was a big day in the remote Welsh/New Zealand town because old Lloyd was up in court for indecent behaviour with a sheep. All the townspeople packed into the small court to hear the proceedings.

 

The one and only witness took the stand and was asked what he had seen.” Well, your honour, I see’s old Lloyd walk up behind this sheep, drop his trousers and hold onto the sheep’s back. There was a bit of shaking and some sheepish sounds and looks then he pulled his trousers back up, and the sheep turned around and licked Lloyd's face a couple of times.” 

At that point, one of the men on the jury turned to his fellow jurors and whispered, “You can tell it’s a good sheep when it does that.” 

 

“Quite right,” said the others, nodding their heads as Ewan, the Foreman,  said "Me thinks that was little Dolly if it was on Lloyd's farm, she's still a young un!". 

[fangless]

A man is out on his first date with a woman who is sex mad. 
On the way home, she lures him into the park and urges him to make love to her time and time again. Eventually, he’s so knackered, he tells her he’s just going to walk around and have a quiet smoke. As he does so, he bumps into a man coming home from the pub and he gets a great idea. 

“Listen, mate,” he says. “My girlfriend over there is so hot, she’s worn me out. If I give you my gold watch, will you take over from me for a while?” 
The man agrees and disappears into the dark undergrowth. 

Five minutes go by, when suddenly the park ranger appears and shines his torch on the passionate couple. 
“Now what have we here?” he says. 
“Just making love to my wife” comes the reply. 
“Well, can’t you do that at home?” 

“But I didn’t know it was my wife until you shone the torch on us.” 

[roo860]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[ballpoint]

He said….. I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said.... You wear pants don't you?

He said….. Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said…. That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said...... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said…. Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said...... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said.... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[ballpoint]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."

[ballpoint]

[Andrew Dwyer]

[tifino]

a brief pssst from the sidelines... 

 

 

 

[ravip]

A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the <deleted> out of my cab!"

 

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

 

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.
He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out.

 

He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver.

So, he gets in the first cab.
"How much is it to the airport?" he asks.
The driver says, "$15."
"Great, how much is it for a bj on the way there?"
The cab driver says, "Get the <deleted> out of my cab."

 

So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing.
"How much to airport?"
"$15."
"Great, how much for a bj on the way there?"
And that cab driver also tells him to get the <deleted> out of his cab.

 

He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out.
He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip.

 

He asks, "Hey how much to the airport?"
Driver responds, "$15."
The guy hands him $15 and says, "Great let's go!"

 

And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.

[roo860]

[fasteddie]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, “Esther, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.” Esther always replied, “I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”

One year, Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, “Esther, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter today, I might never get another chance.” To this, Esther replied, “Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”

The pilot overheard the couple and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don’t say a word I won’t charge you a penny! But if you say one word it’s fifty dollars.”

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, “By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!”

Morris replied, “Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!”

[roo860]

[Andrew Dwyer]

[ballpoint]

I threw a ball for my dog. It's a bit extravagant, I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket.

[ballpoint]

I asked a lawyer "how much do you charge?"
He said "£100 for 3 questions."
"Isn't that a bit steep?" I said.
"Yes. What's your third question?"

[ballpoint]