Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

 

 

 

1 hour ago, Mike Teavee said:

I'll get my coat before Scottie comes along... 

Your wish is my command, I'm here;

 

 The odd thing about parenting is that by the time you are experienced at your job, you are unemployed.

A man cheats on his girlfriend, Lorraine, with a girl named Clearly. Suddenly, Lorraine dies. At the funeral, the man stands up and sings loudly, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."

 

Never date a radiologist. She'll see right through you.

 

What was Adam and Eve's biggest problem during their marriage? They could never agree on who wore the plants in the family.

A teacher asks her class, "True or false? The Declaration of Independence was written in Philadelphia."
"False," says a boy in the back. "It was written in ink."

 

How is a computer like a grandparent? The first thing that goes on both is their memory.

 

What does a baby computer call his father? Data!

I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. I do it to remind myself why there is no money in there.

 

A little girl asks her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answers, "Well, God made Adam and Eve and then they had kids. So all mankind was made." Two days later the little girl asks her father the exact same question. The father answers, "Many years ago, there were monkeys from which the entire human race evolved." The confused little girl returns to her mother and says, "Mom, you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said man developed from monkeys. Why do you have different stories?"

 

The mother answers, "Well, I was referring to my side of the family and your dad was talking about his side." 
 

Two boys are arguing when the teacher enters the classroom. The teacher says, "What are you two arguing about?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten pound note and decided whoever tells the biggest lie gets to keep it."
"You two should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher. "When I was your age, I didn't even know what a lie was."

 

The boys looked at each other and handed the £10 note to the teacher.
 

The old village Priest is invited to dinner at the house of a parishioner. The Priest sits at the table with the family. The mother requests her daughter, age six, say grace before the meal. She sits in silence. "It's okay, dear," the mother calms her. "You can do it. Just repeat what you heard daddy say about Christ and religion before breakfast this morning."
The little girl folds her hands, bows her head, and says in a loud voice, "Oh Christ, why did you invite that boring f**king religious geek of a useless senile bl*&dy Priest over for dinner tonight? He should be in an old folks home or a jail for peedos not inflicting himself on us."

Probably one of the best comments ever !!

This guy probably got his great talent for humour by reading this thread !!



Then again [emoji848], maybe not !!

My money would be on Grumpy !

Gotta look after number one !

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other off.

 

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week.. I phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.

 

My son swallowed a wrist watch.  We gave him some Epsom salts to help pass the time.

 

 

What a hair raising experience !!

Only three ??

100 years ago, 19 guys chasing a black man was called the KKK.   Now they call it Formula 1.

My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as an inspiration when naming our kids.

 

His sister Chewbacca und his brother Boba Fett are less amused.

There was a riot at a US prison today.

It began at lunch time when a kitchen worker started to ask the inmates “Eat here or take away?”

What’s the difference between "BOOM! Aaaaargh!" and "Aaaaargh! BOOM!"?
The difference is whether you’re falling from the 1st or the 10th floor.

 

A soldier sees a paraplegic stealing his camouflage jacket.

Soldier shouts after him “You can hide, but you can’t run.”

 

A person helping a criminal evade law before he’s arrested is called an accomplice.
A person helping a criminal evade law once he’s been arrested is called a lawyer.

20 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Then again , maybe not !!

Are you or are you not suggesting we join the que?

Please give either a black or white answer! 

All puns intended!

????

 

A wife goes to the police station with her next-door neighbour to report that her husband is missing. The policeman asks for a description. She says, "He's thirty-five years old, six foot four, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protests, "Your husband is five foot four, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."

The wife replies, "Yes, but who wants him back?"
 

I may have posted this B4, if so my apologies!

A woman is having lunch in a Los Angeles café when a man approaches her table. "Excuse me, miss," the man says, "my wife and I are visiting from Scotland. She loves your sandals. She wanted me to come over and ask if you bought those sandals around here and this is our last day in the US."
"Actually," the woman responds, "I got them in a shop just about a block from here."
"Fantastic," the man responds, "and if I may ask, how much did you pay for them?"
"I paid $250," she admits.
"Thank you," the man responds.

 

He walks away and tells his wife, "She got them in New York!"