My wife wanted to make the sitting room more classy, so I've fitted a blackboard and 6 desks, that will impress her.

I can't wait till she sees it.

I recently spent £3500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.
I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbour's cows!
He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him . . . . . . but they kind of taste like peppermint.

HAVE YOU HAD THE JAB - URGENT NOTICE!

This happened yesterday and is important information.
My mates Dad who is 85 years old had his 2nd dose of the vaccine at the vaccination centre, after which he began to have blurred vision on the way home.
When he got home, he called the vaccination centre for advice and to ask if he should go to see a doctor, or be hospitalised.

He was asked to go back to the vaccination centre immediately as he had left his glasses behind.

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with The Three Degrees.

Ok I said, when will I see you again?

I bought some of those new Viagra tea bags,

They don't really improve your sex life, but they do stop your biscuits going soft.

I had the worst steak of my life last night, it was all tough and rubbery.

That's the last time I eat in a Michelin restaurant.

I went for a COVID test yesterday and the nurse asked me if I'd had a sudden loss of taste.
"No", I replied, "I've always dressed like this.

The doctor has just prescribed me some anti-gloating cream.

Can't wait to rub it in.

I’ve just written off my car skidding on a patch of humus.

Nobody warned me of the hidden dip in the road.

Did you know that Glen Campbell only weighed 57.16kg?
He was a Nine Stone Cowboy.