Due to bird flu fears, I bought a face mask for my pet duck.

It’s nothing fancy, but it fits the bill

I came home yesterday and the wife had been on eBay all day.
If she doesn’t sell tonight I’ll have to lower the price,

I went into a shop and asked for a pie and chips.
The shop keeper said "This is a hardware store, I think you need to go to Specsavers"
So l went to Specsavers, but they don't sell them either.

I’ve got a date with a woman from the local sewing circle.
I don’t know her well, but she seams nice.

A bloke is rushed to A&E with a steam iron up his backside.
"Good grief, " said the doctor, "I thought I'd seen it all, how on Earth did you manage that?"
"Well, " said the bloke, "it happened just after my wife opened her birthday present. "

I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said, "Thanks."
I said, "Don't mention it."
 

Monkeypox.

Where it started.

RABBITS

2 Rabbits escape from the test labority, over fields they run until they come into a cabbage patch, they spent the next 2 weeks eating as much as they could, the first rabbit says I'm fed up lets move on so they did, they came upon a field full of Does, they spent the next 2 weeks bonking morning noon and night, the first rabbit says lets go back to the test labority, the second rabbit says what's your problem, we have all the cabbages we can eat and all the Does we can mate with, THE FIRST ONE SAYS, YES i KNOW, But I am dying for a fag.

 

Propaganda

 

When an English man has a really good look at something.

 

Feeling old

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

3. Age 50 might be the new 40, but 8:00 pm is the new midnight.

4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

13. I run like the winded.

14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

 

Blonde secretary

What's the difference between a brunette secretary and a blonde secretary?
The brunette says: Good morning, Mr. Director, while the blonde secretary says: It's already morning, Mr. Director!

95th Birthday

 

Four brothers left home for university, they became successful doctors and solicitors and had families of their own.
One evening, they chatted after having dinner together where they discussed the 95th birthday gifts they sent to their elderly mother who had moved to Queensland.
The first said, “I had a big house built for Mum on the canals.”
The second said, “I had a large movie theatre added to the house.”
The third said, “I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her.”
The fourth said, “You know how Mum loved reading the Bible but now her eyesight is failing and she can’t read anymore. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mum only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it.”  
Mum sent out the following “Thank You” notes.
She wrote: "Adam, the house you built is huge but even though I live in only one room, I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.”
“Bradley, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered. I have no use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks.”
“Christopher, you gave me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people.   All of my friends are dead, I’ve lost my hearing, and I’m nearly blind. I’ll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.”
“Dearest David, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much. Love, Mum”

 

Russian Newspaper

 

A Russian buys a newspaper, looks at the front page and tosses it in the trash. He does this for a couple of weeks and the newsstand guy finally asks him why he always just looks at the front page and throws paper away. He replies, I'm looking for an obituary. Newsstand guys says, obituaries aren't on the front page. Russian replies, the one I'm looking for will be!

 

 

46 minutes ago, Beachcomber said:

Feeling old

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

3. Age 50 might be the new 40, but 8:00 pm is the new midnight.

4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

13. I run like the winded.

14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

 

I am with you on most of those, but I haven't won the comb yet.

17 minutes ago, billd766 said:

I am with you on most of those, but I haven't won the comb yet.

You can have mine,if i can remember in which country i left it!

 

I went to a taxidermy class last night.
It only lasted for 30 minutes, but they still managed to cram a lot in.
 

My wife will buy anything marked down.
Last year she bought an escalator.

My wife woke up with a puzzled look on her face this morning.
She had fallen asleep on her jigsaw.

My eye doctor told me that my test results came back.

I asked if I could see them and she said, “probably not.”