My dog can do magic tricks.

It's a Labracadabrador.

My dad is a man of very few words.
He once said to me,
“Son;”

The family is gathered around the dinner table.

First child says "mummy, how did I get my name?"
Mummy says "well, when we were leaving the hospital after you were born, a flower petal floated down and landed on your head, so we named you "petal"".
Next child asks "how did I get my name?"
Mummy says "when we were leaving hospital after you were born, a cherry blossom floated down and landed on your head, so we named you "Blossom""".
Third child says "ughughughugh"
Mummy says "yes, Brick?"

Barristers in the UK are set to go on strike.
Screw them, I'll just make my own coffee at home and take a flask.

Last weekend I was on the couch.
My wife poked me to see if I was still alive.
I opened my eyes and she sighed.

When I was little, we were so poor, that on my 6th birthday, my mum put 3 candles on a cake and put it in front of a mirror.

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street.

The next evening the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now." The bartender thinks to himself, "The man can't be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, tonight he must have enough money", and gives beer to everyone. After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender. "I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street.

One evening later the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, and beer for everyone who is now in the bar."
In disgust, the bartender asks "What, no beer for me this time?"
"No," answers the man, "you get violent when you drink."

I went out mackerel fishing yesterday but before I could get the boat back on the trailer I was spotted by the RNLI
Am now typing from a top notch hotel in Milton Keynes waiting for my pizza.

My dog ate all the tiles from my Scrabble game, so I took him to the vet.

No word yet though.

"Doctor, for the last eight months, my husband has thought that he's a lawnmower."

"That's terrible. Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"

"Because the neighbour just returned him this morning."

A fat old man went to the gym and asked "which machine should I use to attract girls?"

The trainer replied "The one outside, with ATM written on it".

 

 

 

I've just returned from a once in a lifetime holiday.

 

I'll tell you what. Never again.

5 hours ago, ballpoint said:

My dog ate all the tiles from my Scrabble game, so I took him to the vet.

No word yet though.

In a simple sentence I think it is cause you either failed to put a spell or him or feed him alphabet spaghetti!

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.