Police Officer to the pothead: “How high are you, son?”

Pothead laughs: “No officer, it’s “Hi, How are you?”

3 hours ago, ravip said:

It gives "going out on a high" a totally new meaning!

3 hours ago, DezLez said:

It gives "going out on a high" a totally new meaning!

Someone must have grassed them up.

43 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

Someone must have grassed them up.

Those weeds get everywhere!

Two lawyers walk into a pub. They order a couple of drinks and take their sandwiches out of their briefcases and them they begin to eat them.

 

Seeing this, the angry publican exclaims, “Excuse me, but you can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!”

 

The two lawyers look at each other, shrug their shoulders, then exchange sandwiches.

I used to work in a pub next to a hospital and this guy walked in one day with his hospital gown on and holding a drip on a stand that was still connected to his veins.

 

I asked him how I could help and bizarrely he said, “Can I have 2 pints of lager, 2 pints of Guinness, 4 jack Daniels and coke, 3 gin and tonics, and 6 shots of tequila.

 

It’s a free country so I start to pour the drinks and put them on the bar one at a time. As I finished pouring all of the drinks he downed them in order and finished on the shots of tequila which he dispatched one at a time in a quick pace.

 

He then looked at me really sad and said, “I shouldn’t have drunk all that with what I’ve got.” I said, “Why what have you got?” He said, “About £3.50.”

A man walks into a pub, then goes to the gents. He comes out and goes to speak to the landlord. He says, “You’ve got a great place, but my buddy was here last night, and he said you have golden urinals. Where are they?”

 

The landlord turns to the band and yells, “Frank, I’ve got a lead on the guy who ruined your sax!”

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while
fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said,
'We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all
in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.'

 

The Englishman responds, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one
more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys
Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.'

 

The Irishman replies, 'I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to
remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with
Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.'

 

The Welshman answers, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more
time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice
Choir.'

 

The Scotsman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'

A Funny British Pub Name:  The Quiet Woman
A Splendid Example of an Oxymoron?

 

Also from "Philogelos" the 9th oldest joke in the world goes like this:

 

"Wishing to teach his donkey not to eat, a pedant did not offer him any food."

 

"When the donkey died of hunger, he said: 'I've had a great loss! Just when he had learned not to eat, he died'."

Replacement Windows
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive

casement type with shutters.  Today, I got a call from the
contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been
completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloo... Just because I have fair hair doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy
had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for
themselves!

 

Hellloo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence
at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.
He never calledback.

I bet he felt like an idiot.

The seven dwarves are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city.

After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the Pope. Grumpy, for once, seems to have a lot to say.

He keeps asking the Pontiff questions about the church and, in particular, the nuns.

"Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?" Grumpy asks.

"No, my son, all of our nuns are at least five feet tall," smiles the Pope.

"Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?"

"I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?"

"No reason," replies Grumpy. "But you're positive? Nobody in a habit that's about three feet tall, maybe two-and-a-half feet tall?"

"I'm sure, my vertically-challenged son," says the Pope, trying not show his curiosity.

"Okay," moans Grumpy.

 

So the Pope listens to the dwarves as they leave the building.

"What'd he say? What'd he say?" chant the other six dwarves.

Grumpy mutters, "He said they don't have any."

At that the other six start chanting,

 

"Grumpy screwed a penguin! Grumpy screwed a penguin!"