Zebra Crossing

 

Two hedgehogs are in the middle of the road and they're by a zebra crossing. One says, "Don't cross here!" The other one says, "Why not?" The first one says, "Look what happened to this zebra!"

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The Midnight Surprise

 

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.

"Check this out!" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we should do with it?"

With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, now would be a good time to wash it."

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Eve so beautiful

 

Adam says to God: ”Why did you make Eve so beautiful?”
God replies: ”So that you will love her.”
”But why did you make her so stupid?”
”So that she will love you.”

 

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No one has rested since.

 

First God created the Earth, then he rested…
Then he created man, then he rested…
Then he created woman, and no one has rested since.

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Shopping

 

When my wife sends me to the supermarket to buy cucumbers I also by Vaseline so the cashier doesn’t think I am a Vegan

 

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17 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

It’s that time already ???? ......... isn’t it ????

No but it appeared to be heart warming and nearly melted my hard exterior!

The bitter Kiwi winter was almost over when one shepherd turned to the other and confessed that he could hardly wait until it was time to shear their flocks. 
The other shepherd nodded, rubbing his hands together in anticipation. “It’s great selling the wool in the market and spending some of the money on beer and women, eh?” 
“That’s not it,” said his companion. “I just can’t wait to see them naked.” 
 

This guy went to the zoo one day. 
While he was standing in front of the gorilla’s enclosure, a gust of wind blew some grit into his eye. As he pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the hapless fellow senseless.

When the guy came to, the zookeeper was bending over him, and told him what had happened. The zookeeper nodded and explained that in gorilla language, pulling down your eyelid meant “<deleted> you.” The explanation didn’t make the gorilla’s victim feel any better, and he vowed revenge.

The next day he bought two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla’s cage, into which he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn.

Knowing that the big apes were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, looked at the hat, and put it on. Next he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it neatly in two. The gorilla looked at the knife in his cage, looked at his own crotch,

and solemnly pulled down his eyelid. 

The devil is in the detail!

One day, the Devil challenged the Lord to a baseball game.

Smiling the Lord proclaimed, "You don't have a chance; I have Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the greatest players up here". "Yes", snickered the devil,

"but I have all the umpires."
 

28 minutes ago, WorriedNoodle said:

I did.

Be careful what you ask or pray for

A man went to an old furniture shop to buy an antique kitchen table. Almost at once, he saw the table he wanted to buy and asked the price. 
"£2,000 sir." 
"Never!" exclaimed the man, "That's unbelievably expensive." 
"That's true," replied the assistant, but this is not just any antique kitchen table, this piece of furniture has special powers." 
"Get away! Show me." 
The assistant went up to the table and said, "How many floors are there in this building?" 
Immediately, the table jumped into the air four times, and indeed there were four floors in the building. 
The man wasn't totally convinced. 
"OK, ask it how much money I've got in my wallet." 
The question was asked and the table jumped up and down  eleven times. 
"That's incredible," said the man. "It's true, I've got two £5
notes and a loose £1 coin. I must have that table." 
So the man paid £2,000 and the antique kitchen table was delivered the next day. While it was being installed, his mate popped over and remarked on the piece of new purchase. 
"It's very special," said the man. "Here, I'll show you." He thought for a moment and then said, "How much money has my wife got in her bank account?" 
The table went completely berserk. It started jumping up and down and was still going 30 minutes later. 
"But how can that be? Where did she get all that money?" he said, flabbergasted. 
Suddenly, the table stopped moving, its legs fell apart and its drawers fell to the floor. 
 

An Irish take!

Paddy takes the afternoon off work and comes home unexpectedly to find his wife lying on the bed, naked and out of breath. 
"What's going on?" he asks. 
"I think I'm having an asthma attack," she gasps. 
 He rushes to the phone to ring for a doctor when his son runs in. 
"Daddy, daddy, Uncle Murphy is in the wardrobe and he's got no clothes on." 
"What!" shouts Paddy and back up the stairs he rushes to find his brother Murphy hiding naked in the wardrobe. 
"Why, you bloody prat," he shouts angrily, "there's my wife having a severe asthma attack and all you can do is play hide and seek and scare the kids!"