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Einstein was born March 14, 1879.
He would be 144 if he were alive today.
Few people remember that he married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage failed in 1919.
At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa, "because she was so well endowed."
He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection.
This came to be known as....

Einstein's Theory of "RelativeTitty."

A Sunday school teacher posed a question to her class, "If I were to sell my house, car, donate my possessions to charity, and give all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?"
The children unanimously replied, "No."

The teacher then asked, "If I were to keep the church clean, mow the lawn, and keep everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"

Once again, the answer was a resounding "No."

Apparently perplexed, the teacher asked, "Well, then how can I get into heaven?"

A quick-witted five-year-old boy piped up and replied, "You have to be dead!"

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute honey so I can at least tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

So the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and hopeless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in minutes.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, since she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you won’t wear just to annoy her, and I also gave her those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has the same pair.

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

I don't think my girlfriend approves of my schizophrenia medication. 

Every time I take it, she goes away.

My Grandad told me that if I ever get into a proper fight, the best thing to do is put a snooker ball inside a sock.

Worst advice ever. I could barely walk let alone run away.

I’ve got a Polish friend who’s a sound engineer.

And a Czech one too.