There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today, than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2050, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognizing him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,

'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.

Took my son out for his first Pint yesterday.

I got him a Pint of Heineken, he didn't like it, I drank it. Then I got him a Budweiser, he didn't like that either, I drank it. It was the same with the Guinness and the Cider.

I even had to drink the various spirits that he didn't like either! 

I could hardly push the pram in a straight line on the way home.

 

PS; (Pram=Stroller for Americans.)

1 hour ago, scottiejohn said:

Yes!

The house's door number is obscured by the big breasts  bushes!

Nice try but no cigar.

One day a bachelor, who was a poor tipper, walked into his favorite restaurant and ordered lunch.

A new waitress served his meal and received a three cent tip. When he came in the next day, she thanked him for his 'generosity' and she said she could tell the character of a diner by the way he tipped.

"Yeah? What can you tell about me?" he asked.

"You put three pennies in a neat row," said the waitress, "and that shows you are a very tidy person. The first penny tells me you are frugal and the second tells me that you are a bachelor."

"That's true," he agreed. "But what does the third penny tell you?"

"The third penny tells me your father was a bachelor too"

Jesus and Saint Paul are sitting in heaven, talking about the pollution on Earth and wondering what can be done about mankind's filthy ways.  They decide to head down to see the situation for themselves.  Arriving at a seaside town, Jesus asks what the huge metal pipe he can see is for.  Paul tells him it's used to dump human waste in the sea, so Jesus decides to take action and strides across the waves.  Walking alongside, Paul is soon knee-deep in filthy water, while Jesus scoots along on top.  Ever hopeful of some help he slogs on, and Jesus keeps walking on water... but soon the water is up to Paul's chin. 

"Master," he calls, "I will follow you anywhere, but I'm up to my neck in sh*tty water and I think I'm going to drown."

At this Jesus stops walking and looks at Paul. "What?," he says, "Why don't you just walk on the pipe like me, you silly pr*ck?"

A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.
"I have four boys and my wife is expecting another. One more son and I'll have a basketball team!" said the Catholic.

"That's nothing!'' said the Baptist. ''I have ten boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son and I'll have a football team!"

"You both should be ashamed of yourselves!'' said the Mormon. ''I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"