36 minutes ago, WorriedNoodle said:

 

Uganda apparently has three lighthouses 🙂 

 

https://www.ibiblio.org/lighthouse/uga.htm

 

The boss called an employee into his office. “Bob,” he said, “you have been with the company for a year. You started in the mail room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice president. Now it’s time for me to retire, and I want to make you the new president and CEO of the corporation.

What do you say to that?”

“Thanks,” said the employee.

“Thanks?” the boss replied.

“Is that all you can say?”

“I guess not,” the employee said.

“Thanks, Dad.”

Bob had applied for a job in a supermarket and was attending the interview. When the interviewer asked what experience he’d had, Bob said that he’d once worked in another supermarket. The interviewer asked why he had left. “I was sacked for playing with the bacon slicer,” Bob explained.

The interviewer was puzzled: “Surely they didn’t consider that to be a serious offence?” “They must have,” replied Bob. “They sacked her too.”

32 minutes ago, Crossy said:

 

Uganda apparently has three lighthouses 🙂 

 

https://www.ibiblio.org/lighthouse/uga.htm

 

Ubangi? You bet'cha...

"I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop, "we don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?" Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."

Teacher: "Simon, can you say your name backwards?"
Simon: "No mis"

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him:

"I am placed in the door and told when to jump"

"My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go"

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.

"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.

He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack".

To save money on a coffin, buy a pen from Amazon.
And use the box it came in.

I covered myself in Creosote this morning.

I just thought I'd treat myself.

I asked an elderly bloke why he was using 2 massive frozen chips as walking sticks.
He replied 'They're McCains!'

I shouted angrily at a couple sparrows sitting on my garden fence.
They both fell off and died.

I did not know you could kill two birds with one’s tone.

I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water, until I read the name backwards.

Two old guys, one 80 and the other 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
His 80-year-old buddy was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want five loaves."
She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this but me!!.