A little old lady approached the produce manager at the grocery store and said, “Young Man, I live alone and do not eat much. I was wondering if you can sell me a half head of lettuce”. The produce manager put on a fake smile and said he would ask the store manager for permission. When he found the store manager, the produce manager said, “Hey boss, I got me a cheap old hag who wants to buy a half head of lettuce.” Before he could finish, he suddenly noticed the little old lady had followed him and was standing right behind him. Shocked, he kept his cool and said, “By the way, this lovely lady would like to buy the other half with your permission.” The store manager gave him a quick ok.

A half hour later, the store manager confronted the produce manager and said, “Hey Jimmy, I like they way you were able to think on your feet in front of that lady. I could use a smart store manager like you in our newly built Canadian store.”

The produce manger replied, “Canada! Who wants to work in Canada?!!!, There’s nothing but whores and hockey players living up there”.

The store manager barked back, “I’ll have you know that my wife is Canadian!”

The produce manager thought quickly and said, “Oh? What team did she play for?”

The priest angrily asks the altar boy standing six feet away,
"Are you secretly drinking the holy wine?"
The altar boy remains silent. The priest's anger grows.
"I'm asking you! Can't you hear me?"
"No, I can't hear anything from here, Father."
"What do you mean? You're just two steps away and you can't hear me?"
The altar boy smirks,
"Why don't we switch places and you'll see..."
They swap places. Now the altar boy asks,
"Who's embezzling the church donations?"
The priest mutters,
"You know what? You're right! You really can't hear anything from here."

Born on this day in 1960. Argentinian footballer Diego Maradona.
 

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Even funnier because it's true:

 

"A British man has been stopped from travelling overseas as his surname is deemed too rude to be written on a passport.

A few years ago Kenny Kennard decided he would change his name for a laugh.

He managed to get a driver’s license under his new name Fu-Kennard but his plan has since backfired after he was informed his new name would not be accepted on a passport".

 

Man not allowed to travel overseas as surname is ‘too rude’ for passport (msn.com)

The dangerous Kodak bear in its natural environment:

 

Another that isn't a joke, but is interesting, and funny peculiar, never the less:

 

The passenger steamer SS Warrimoo was quietly knifing its way through the waters of the mid-Pacific on its way from Vancouver to Australia. The navigator had just finished working out a star fix and brought Captain John DS. Phillips, the result. The Warrimoo's position was LAT 0º 31' N and LONG 179 30' W. The date was 31 December 1899. "Know what this means?" First Mate Payton broke in, "We're only a few miles from the intersection of the Equator and the International Date Line". Captain Phillips was prankish enough to take full advantage of the opportunity for achieving the navigational freak of a lifetime.
He called his navigators to the bridge to check & double check the ship's position. He changed course slightly so as to bear directly on his mark. Then he adjusted the engine speed.
The calm weather & clear night worked in his favor. At mid-night the SS Warrimoo lay on the Equator at exactly the point where it crossed the International Date Line! The consequences of this bizarre position were many:
The forward part (bow) of the ship was in the Southern Hemisphere & in the middle of summer.
The rear (stern) was in the Northern Hemisphere & in the middle of winter.
The date in the aft part of the ship was 31 December 1899.
In the bow (forward) part it was 1 January 1900.
This ship was therefore not only in:
Two different days,
Two different months,
Two different years,
Two different seasons
But in two different centuries - all at the same time!