A redneck with a bucket full of live fish was approached by a Texas game warden.

The game warden asked the man, “May I see your fishing license please?”

 

“Naw, sir,” replied the redneck.  “I don’t need none of them there papers.  These here are my pet fish.”

 

“Pet fish?!”

 

“Yep.  Once a week, I bring these here fish o’mine down to the lake and let ’em swim ’round for a while.  Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take ’em home.”

 

“What a line of baloney… you’re under arrest.”

 

The redneck said, “It’s the truth, I’ll show ya!  We do this all the time!!”

 

“WE do, now, do WE?” smirked the warden. “PROVE it!”

 

The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

 

After a few minutes, the warden said, “Well?”

 

“Well, WHUT?” said the redneck.

 

The warden asked, “When are you going to call em back?”

 

“Call who back?”

 

“The FISH,” replied the warden!

 

“Whut fish?” asked the redneck.

 

 

An American, Brit, and an Aussie are about to get executed in Russia.

The executioner approaches the American prisoner and says, “How would you like to die? By firing squad, hung by the neck, or on the electric chair?”

 

“I’ll take the chair” the American says.

 

So he gets strapped into the electric chair. 

 

When they flip the switch, nothing happens! In Mother Russia, such an act of divine intervention means you get released.

 

As the American prisoner is being led away he passes the Brit, who’s getting pulled up next, he whispers to him, “The electric chair isn’t working!”

 

The executioner approaches the British man and says, “How would you like to die? By firing squad, hung by the neck, or on the electric chair? "

 

I’ll take the chair.” the Brit says.

 

So he gets strapped into the electric chair.

 

When they flip the switch, nothing happens! And he also gets released.

 

As the British prisoner passes the Aussie who’s getting pulled up next, he also whispers, “The electric chair isn’t working!”

 

The executioner approaches the Aussie man and says, “How would you like to die? By firing squad, hung by the neck, or on the electric chair?”

 

“Well crikey, mate! The electric chair isn’t working, so firing squad I guess!”

 

Saint Peter is at his desk near the Pearly Gates when a dirty white Ford Transit pickup stops at the entrance. Inside are three travellers. He looks at them with distaste and asks “What do you want?”

 

“We’ve just been killed in a road crash and we want to come in.”

 

Peter replies “We don’t want any of your sort up here.”

 

“Well this is the Kingdom of Heaven, you don’t refuse anyone if they’ve repented their sins.”

 

Peter says “Wait here a minute then, I’ve got to go and ask the management.” He goes off to find the Almighty.

Peter finds God sitting on his throne, and tells him what has occurred.

 

“Go back and tell them all are welcome, let them in.” says God.

 

“Oh, very well then” says Peter, not very enthusiastically.

 

Five minutes later, Peter returns.

 

“They’ve gone.”

 

“What, the travellers?”

 

“No, the gates…..”

 

 

“So then I says to Borg, ‘You know, as long as we’re under siege, one of us oughta moon these Saxon dogs.’”

 

       God creates the animals.

 

Proof Hondas are indestructible. 

 

A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Singapore Airlines from Singapore to New York.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes????

 

'The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the pretty flight attendant.

So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, 'If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?'

 

The flight attendant responded, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me that?'

The little boy admitted that she did. 

 

“Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Singapore Airlines always pulls out on time.

 

"Now, let your mother explain that to you!"