Q: What would happen if pigs could fly?
A: The price of bacon would go up.

 

There were two cows in a field. The first cow said “moo” and the second cow said “baaaa.”

The first cow asked the second cow, “why did you say baaaa?”

The second cow said, “I’m learning a foreign language.”
 

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table. He gets up,  staggers to the table, leans over, looks at the biggest, meanest one in the face and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is a fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker, and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders and says

"Grandpa, you're drunk....... Go home!"

And now a view on Brexit from over the pond !!

 

 

 

 

 

On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, “I have a confession to make. I’m not a virgin. I’ve been with one other guy.”

 

“Oh yeah? Who was the guy?”

 

“Tiger Woods, the golfer.”

 

The husband nods and says, “Well, he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that.”

 

The couple then makes passionate love. When they finish, the husband reaches for the telephone.

 

“What are you doing?” asks the wife.

 

“I’m hungry. I’m calling room service.”

 

“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”

 

“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”

 

“He’d come back to bed and we'd make love a second time.”

 

The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time. When they finish, he goes back to the phone.

 

“What are you doing now?” she asks.

 

The man replies, “I’m still hungry, so I’m going to ring room service for some food.”

 

“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”

 

“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”

 

“He’d come back to bed and we'd make love a third time.”

 

The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed. Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he picks up the phone and starts to dial.

 

The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”

 

The man replies, “No! I’m calling Tiger Woods to find out what’s par for this hole!”

I sold my vacuum cleaner the other day.

All it was doing was collecting dust.

 

Did you hear about the fire in a shoe factory?

10,000 soles were lost.

 

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?

He pasta-way.

 

What’s red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

 

I asked a North Korean guy: “How are things there?”

He replied “I can’t complain.”

 

Which is the craziest animal in the zoo?

The bi-polar bear.

 

A Scottish teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is.

Angus puts up his hand and says 'G'.

(think about it)

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 51 year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. 

We drank a bit, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double. 

'What's that?' I asked. 

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. 

I said, 'No,' - excitedly. 

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'. 

We went back to her place. 

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?' 
 

11 hours ago, chickenslegs said:

A Scottish teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is.

Angus puts up his hand and says 'G'. 

(think about it)

(Thinks about it). Ha ha ha.  Took me a while to get it.  What an Anus!

The missus just said to me in passing

 

“I guess those enlargement pills are working because you're twice the dick you were yesterday.”
 

I just bought my husband a 'get better soon' card.
He's not sick....

I just think he could be better.
 

A boy asks his mom, "I'm black and you are white?"
His mother replies,

"Don't even go there, the way that party went, you're lucky you don't bark."
 

I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.  A poor homeless man sitting out front said "I've not eaten for two days"
I told him, "I wish I had your will power."

6 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.  A poor homeless man sitting out front said "I've not eaten for two days"
I told him, "I wish I had your will power."

Spoken like a true Scot!

Grandad's sitting out on his chair watching as little Johnny grabs a worm and pulls it from its hole in the lawn.

"Well done, Johnny" he says, "but I'll give you $5 if you can put it back in the hole".

He watches the boy try to poke the worm back in numerous times, and soon falls asleep. 

Sometime later, he's woken by Johnny shaking him saying "look Grandad!".  The worm is no longer soft and bendy, but hard and rigid, and the boy easily pushes it back into the ground.

"I say!" says Grandad, "How did you do that?"

"I sprayed it with Granny's hairspray".

"What a good idea.  I suppose I'd better get you $5".

Johnny waits as Grandad goes into the house, but he doesn't come back for an hour.  When he does, he says "Here's your $5 Johnny.  And here's $50 from your Granny as well".

Just got back from Blackpool.

Never again.

On the seafront I saw a guy and a woman having a shouting match until the woman smacked the guy in the head, and then it all kicked off.

Then a copper turned up but instead of trying to calm things down he starts belting the guy with his baton....in the end the guy gets the baton off the copper and starts hitting him and his wife with it!

Final straw was when this crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages!

6 hours ago, laislica said:

Just got back from Blackpool.

Never again.

On the seafront I saw a guy and a woman having a shouting match until the woman smacked the guy in the head, and then it all kicked off.

Then a copper turned up but instead of trying to calm things down he starts belting the guy with his baton....in the end the guy gets the baton off the copper and starts hitting him and his wife with it!

Final straw was when this crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages!

I hope you punched Judy for the poor performance!

Quote

 

Scottish Boyfriend and Girlfriend are walking past the jeweler's shop in Edinburgh.

Girlfriend:
"Babe I want and really like that pair of earrings but I left my purse at home."
Me:
"How much are they?"
Girlfriend:
"£750."
Me:
Opens wallet
Girlfriend:
Excited...
Me:
"Here s £10. Get a taxi and go fetch your purse. I'll wait for you here!"
 

A weasel walks into a bar. 
The Bartender says,

"Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?"
"Pop," goes the weasel.

Two married ladies go on holiday to the Caribbean and meet a muscular native guy.
After a week of fantastic threesome sex, they ask his name.
He says "My name's Snow"
The ladies start laughing, he asks what's so funny?
Their reply...Our husbands; will never believe we had 8 inches of f*ckin Snow in the Caribbean!!!