When I was a child our family did everything together, until my brother brought some wild dogs home.  They really tore the family apart.

 

 

Edited March 12, 20197 yr by ballpoint

48 minutes ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

And when he complained that he paid with a 1000 baht bill, but got nothing back, the vendor told him "Change must come from within".

16 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Here’s an arty little piece for you Scotty , I hope it is palatable and you don’t find it too sketchy

 

 

I really must draw the line at you playing to the gallery with some of your sketchy, but colourful comments, and as such I will just either have to just brush them off or turn the other ear (sorry cheek).  I also see you have painted me into a corner where I now feel as if I have been framed and may have a stroke!

Ps;  BTW was it a paint by numbers or just a join the dots production!

 

 ???? Although I did indeed find it palatable I would have preferred  it if you had used a different palette as it left such a bad taste on my palate that I must now retire to my pallet!

Edited March 12, 20197 yr by scottiejohn
Looking for more colourful responses! (spelling errors)

57 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

Although I did indeed find it palatable I would have preferred  it if you had used a different palette as it left such a bad taste on my palate that I must now retire to my pallet!

When it comes to buying art online, I always Pay pal it.

24 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

When it comes to buying art online, I always Pay pal it.

You had to cash in on it didn't you?  

I suspect there may be a touch of the "painted hussy" or a "Banksy" about you!

PS';  A line I wish I had thought of!  well done.

 

????

Edited March 12, 20197 yr by scottiejohn

A guy with a sausage sticking out of one ear, a pretzel out the other, and two nachos hanging out of his nostrils goes to see a doctor.  He says "Doc, I've been exercising like mad, but I can't seem to lose weight".  The doctor looks at him and says "And you never will, until you start eating sensibly too."

Bill worked in a pickle factory. One day he came home and confessed to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion to stick his dick in the pickle slicer. His wife wanted him to see a sex therapist, but Bill said he was too embarrassed and would try and manage the problem on his own. A month later, Bill came home early looking absolutely ashen.
“What’s wrong, darling?” his wife asked.
“Do you remember I had that urge to stick my dick in the pickle slicer?” he wept.
“Oh, Bill! You didn’t!” she screamed.
“I did,” Bill said.
“My God, what happened?” 
“I got fired”
“No, Bill! I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”
“Oh yeah,” Bill replied. “She got fired, too.” 

35 minutes ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

You B*stard,  That's the Pin for the Mastercard, not the Visa CC.

I broke the hall mirror today....But my lawyer assures me he can get it down to 4 years

4 minutes ago, STALINGRAD said:

I broke the hall mirror today....But my lawyer assures me he can get it down to 4 years

I would reflect carefully before signing up to that Lawyer and also check his profile. 

He may be cracking up with that promise he made!

Edited March 12, 20197 yr by scottiejohn

A group of guys are sitting in the golf club locker room when a mobile phone in a sports bag starts ringing.  One of them answers and says "Oh, hello honey.  What? I left my credit card at home and you want to know if you can use it to buy that $2,000 dress you've had your eye on?  Sure you can darling". The other guys go quiet and look on in amazement as he continues; "And then you want to go to the Porsche dealer and put down a deposit on a Boxter?  No problem, go ahead dear."  The other's eyes are boggling now. "What?  The $5,000 beauty treatment?  Of course you can.  You're worth it my darling!  Okay, see you later angel."  Everyone's staring at him in total silence as he ends the call and puts the phone back in the bag.  Then, as he's zipping it up, he asks "Hey, anyone know who's bag this is?"
 

Edited March 12, 20197 yr by ballpoint

It’s been raining for days now and my wife seems very depressed by it. She keeps standing by the window, staring.

If it continues, I’m going to have to let her in.

I called a suicide hotline in Iraq. - They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

 

I went to an ISIS birthday party once. The musical chairs were a bit slow but the pass the parcel was quick.

 

Q: What did one female terrorist say to the other?

A: "Does my bomb look big in this?"

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

 

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.

 

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

 

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

 

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

 

 

 

 

 

Once in a while a joke comes along that makes you laugh out loud and then laugh out loud again when you look at it a second time !!
This is mine above .

( was probably a bad idea to open this thread until the funeral was over !! )

With all of the laughter and merriment going on here, perhaps it's time to reflect on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week.

 

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Kokey", died peacefully at the age of 83.

 

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in……………and it all went downhill from there!!.

2 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Once in a while a joke comes along that makes you laugh out loud and then laugh out loud again when you look at it a second time !!
This is mine above .

( was probably a bad idea to open this thread until the funeral was over !! )

Sorry about that ????

4 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Once in a while a joke comes along that makes you laugh out loud and then laugh out loud again when you look at it a second time !!
This is mine above .

( was probably a bad idea to open this thread until the funeral was over !! )

 

1 hour ago, fasteddie said:

Sorry about that ????

You should have seen the mourners run.  He was the one in the coffin.

Bloke approaches Paddy and says: “Paddy will you take part in a marathon  for charity?”

Paddy: “I'm not as fit as I was I don’t want to make a fool of myself.”

Bloke: “Oh go on paddy its for people with cerebral palsy and blind kids.”

Paddy: “Oh go on then, I could win that one.”

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two..... but I have no idea how they got in there.

 

On 3/12/2019 at 10:18 PM, chickenslegs said:

I called a suicide hotline in Iraq. - They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

 

I went to an ISIS birthday party once. The musical chairs were a bit slow but the pass the parcel was quick.

 

Q: What did one female terrorist say to the other?

A: "Does my bomb look big in this?"

I think you are blowing this subject up to suicidal levels

21 hours ago, Beachcomber said:

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two..... but I have no idea how they got in there.

 

How cheesy!