Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?
Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink.
Turns out it was the refrigerator!

I asked my wife why did she marry me....
'Because you're funny'' she responded 
I said "I thought it was because I was so good in bed''

 

She replied “You see? You are hilarious”
 

DISTINCTION BETWEEN GUTS AND BALLS
To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words: there is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS - is arriving home late, after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom and having the Guts to ask, are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer. with lipstick on your collar. and slapping your wife on the bottom and having the Balls to say, you're next, chubby.
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.

 

 

Both result in death.

Edited March 15, 20197 yr by scottiejohn

Talking of Brexit [emoji3]

21 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Talking of Brexit

Is a "No F** Plan" better than a "Bad F** Plan"?

I think the vote is out/in!

 

OOPS I think "I just got serious"!

 

Edited March 16, 20197 yr by scottiejohn

Is a "No F** Plan" better than a "Bad F** Plan"?
I think the vote is out/in!
 
OOPS I think "I just got serious"!
 

It ain’t a plan if it ain’t “ a cunning plan !! “

Yup, that makes sense now [emoji848]

I sure did [emoji851]

I was travelling through town on a bus when it broke down.  The driver got out and fiddled with the engine for 10 minutes before the conductress went up to him and asked "Do you wanna screwdriver?"

"I'd love to" he said, "but we're already running 10 minutes late as it is".

As we are still on the subject of Brexit !! ( ???? )

Think about it !![emoji848]

Yes !!
Another joke about Brexit !!

Hoorah !!

"You are driving me into the arms of other men." "Take the keys. Go drive yourself."

 

+++++

 

Why do seagulls have wings? So they can beat the pikeys to the tip.

 

+++++

 

The pikeys won the lottery. Bought a new house closer to the tip.

 

+++++

 

Liverpool after dark. "Little boy. Would you come into my car for a fiver. F-----g hell mate. For a fiver I'll cum in your mouth."

 

+++++

 

My second wife was a muslim. Very fashionable and health conscious. Always parading in front of the mirror. "Owl dearest." "Yes, Fatima?" Looking over from the Tele. "Does the bomb make me look fat in this dress?"

 

+++++

 

Some girls can fake an orgasm. Some Thai girls can fake a whole relationship.

 

+++++

 

What's a Thai ladies nightmare birthday present? A lie-detector.

 

+++++

 

What's a Thai Ladies dream birthday present? Any farang out there?

 

+++++

 

The jewish suicide victim; crashed his car in his brother's scrapyard.

 

+++++

 

Little jewish boy on the upper bedroom window sill.

 

"Daddy help me. I'm going to fall."

"Just step off son. I'll catch you."

"You might drop me daddy."

"Of course not son. I love you more than anything. Look, my arms are stretched out ready."

Solly has a glance down and sees his dad ready to catch him.

"Jump, son, jump! Do it!!!"

The little boy steps off the sill and just as he is going to be caught his dad pulls his arms away. The little boy spanks into the lawn. He looks up at his dad.

"What happen daddy?"

"Most important lesson in life son. Trust no-one!"

A sailor walks into a bar with a wooden leg, hook hand and an eyepatch over his eye.  The barman asks what happened to him.
"Well, a shark bit off my leg, I was in a sword fight and lost my hand, and then a bird sh*t in my eye"
"You don't lose your eye if a bird sh*ts in it!"
"You do when you've only had the hook for one week!!!!"

 

 

Edited March 18, 20197 yr by ballpoint

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said "Since we are the best of friends, I wouldn't want to insult you by offering payment.  But I would like you to know that I have mentioned you in my will."
"That is very kind of you," said the doctor.  "Now, can I see that prescription I just gave you?  I'd like to make a little change..."

Edited March 18, 20197 yr by ballpoint

Knock Knock

Who’s there?

Who

Who who

I’ll think you’ll find that’s whom.

 

 

Boom boom said Basil Brush.

Sounds like good advice !!

On the first day, God created the dog and said: 

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.' 

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?' 

So God agreed. 

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.' 

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?' 

And God agreed. 

On the third day, God created the cow and said: 

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.' 

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?' 

And God agreed again. 

On the fourth day, God created man and said: 

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.' 

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?' 

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.' 

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
 

Air India announce new service to Phuket.

On 3/17/2019 at 10:06 PM, Andrew Dwyer said:

Think about it !!

Re "free of Charge"; As a Scotsman it took me Ions for the brain to spark into life and realize I was getting nothing for nothing.  I think I will just have to dispose of the idea.

Quote

 

 

A vicar went into a pet shop to buy something that would keep him company. 
"I've got just what you need," said the pet shop owner. "Take a look at this parrot. Not only does it talk but if you pull the string on his left leg he'll sing 'Rock of Ages' and if you pull the string on his right leg, he'll recite the Lord's Prayer." 
"That is truly remarkable," exclaimed the vicar, "but what happens if I pull both strings at the same time?" 

"I'd fall off my bloody perch, you w*nker," screeched the parrot. 
v