Little Johnny's neighbour  had a baby.  But he was born without  ears.  
Johnny and his mum went to visit the baby.  
Johnny was warned no to mention his ears, or lack of them.
Johnny looked in the cot  and said,  
"What a lovely baby,  lovely feet, hands and skin. How's his eyesight?"  
The baby's mother said it with a smile on her face that it was perfect.  
Johnny replied.

 

 "That's good cos he'd  be stuffed If he needed  glasses!"  

 

 

 

Start groaning!

 

Paddy says to Murphy,

"Have u seen the news? 3 Cliff Walkers have fallen to their deaths!"
"Unbelievable,” said Murphy,

 

“I can't believe they all had the same name!"
 

This morning I saw my neighbour talking to her cat, it was obvious that she thought her cat understood her.
I went back to my house where I told my dog what I had just witnessed!

 

God how the dog and I laughed a lot at that stupidity.
 

A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub.

 

Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd shape; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.

 

As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender: "I get this in every port and town I visit, I'll explain. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life."

 

The bartender asks: "So, what went wrong?"

 

"For my final wish", said the sailor, "I asked her if I could have sex with her. Her response was 'That’s not possible, we mermaids don’t have vaginas.'"

 

That's when I said "OK, just give me a little head!"

Some Americans call their toilet "the John,"

I call my toilet "the Jim."

It sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

 

Paddy and Murphy are working  on a building site. 
Paddy says  to Murphy

‘lm gonna have  the day off, lm gonna  pretend i'm mad.  
He climbs up the rafters ,  hangs upside down and shouts  

‘l‘M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A  Lightbulb!'

Murphy watches in amazement!  
The Foreman shouts ‘Paddy  you're mad, go home."
So he  leaves the site. Murphy  starts packing hls kit up to  leave as well.
‘Where the  bloody hell do you that you are you going to?" Shouts the  Foreman. 

‘I cant work here in the  bleeding dark can I!" Says Murphy.  
 

Edited March 10, 20197 yr by scottiejohn

On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride, 
"I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might
affect our relationship.

"What is it?" his new bride asked lovingly.

"I'm a golf fanatic," he said. "I think about golf constantly. I'll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always come first."

His new bride pondered this for a moment and said, "I thank you for your honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've also concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The truth is, "I'm a hooker."

"No problem," said her new husband, 

"just widen your stance a little, and overlap your grip, and that should clear it right up."

 

PS;  Would he get a hole in one with that response?

Edited March 10, 20197 yr by scottiejohn

I'm proud of my father, he's a top police marksman, as are his five brothers.  I think their choice of occupation was a reaction to my grandfather being an armed robber.  I often think of the old fella, as he died recently.  Surrounded by his family.

More definitions from ISIHAC ...

 

Abacus - Swedish swear word

Bustard - very rude ominbus driver

Cabaret - wide range of taxis for hire

Chairs - toast by the Queen

Childhood - young gangster

Dandelion - camp Big Cat

Delight - make things go darker

Descant - white collar ant

Doughnut - eccentric millionaire

Equip - online joke

Two donkeys are standing at a roadside, one asks the other: So, shall we cross? - The other shakes his head: "No way, look at what happened to the zebra."

 

Edited March 10, 20197 yr by chickenslegs

Can’t argue with that logic !!

The Welsh bobsleigh team are in action today, let’s wish them luck !!

19 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

AGH!  So you're the pervert that has been following me around.

14 hours ago, fasteddie said:

I was looking for the punch line!

5 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

The Welsh bobsleigh team are in action today, let’s wish them luck !!

I think the KIWI squad are too sheepish to take part in the team Photos.

Can kinda see his point of view !!

8 minutes ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Can kinda see his point of view !!

Do you mean his bone or his lack of bone(r)?

A plumber came knocking at Mark’s door. “I’ve come to fix your blocked toilet,” the plumber said.
“We haven’t got a blocked toilet,” Mark replied.
“Are you Mr Collis?” the plumber queried.
“No,” Mark answered. “He moved away six months ago.”
“There are some real bastards in the world,” the plumber swore. “They ring for a plumber saying it’s an emergency, then they piss off to another address.”

A blonde was holidaying in Darwin and liked the crocodile shoes on display in one of the shops, but couldn't afford the price tag, so decided to shoot her own.  She acquired a gun, went to a river, started blasting away and was soon surrounded by dead crocs.  A passing bloke asked her what the hell she was doing. 

"I'm after some crocodile shoes" she said.

"Well, don't you think you have enough already?"

"Nah, I'm still looking.  All of these ones are barefoot".

Here’s an arty little piece for you Scotty , I hope it is palatable and you don’t find it too sketchy [emoji848]