2 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Altogether now.............

I don't care...

3 hours ago, ballpoint said:

I don't care...

Nobody cares any more now as It's all swings and roundabouts anyway!

Edited March 23, 20197 yr by scottiejohn

Free bungee jump for all MPs tomorrow at Tower Bridge - 
no strings attached!

A redneck went to the hospital, as his wife was having a baby.
Upon arriving, he sat down as the nurse said to him," congratulation, your wife has had quintuplets, five big baby boys."
The redneck said,  "I'm not surprised.  l have a penis the size of a chimney." the nurse replied, 

"you might want to consider getting it swept, they're all black."
 

A woman with a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

'I know,' she said, 'I'm his aunt, but I'm glad I came.'
 

1 hour ago, scottiejohn said:

Nobody cares any more now as It's all swings and roundabouts anyway!

There is no swing.  But, what you lose on the swings you gain on the roundabouts.

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says, "Piss off, you won't bring it back."

Poof goes into a butchers shop and says “I’ll have that lovely long black pudding you have in your window mr butcher man.”

butcher says “certainly sir, would you like that sliced?”

poof replies “what to you think my bum is, a slot machine?”

I left my ex-girlfriend because of her obsession with counting...

 

I wonder what she's up to now?

 

 

My friend has this really weird obsession with snakes. He says he’d rather spend a day at a snake farm than spend a night with a woman.

 

I think he has A Reptile Dysfunction

That’s a hell of a win for Wales !!

Wonder how many Bale got [emoji848]

My doctor told me I have an unhealthy obsession with iPads.

So he gave me some tablets.

 

Some "My wife left me" jokes ...

 

My wife left me due to my obsession with Dusty Springfield. Now I just don’t know what to do with myself.

My wife says she`s leaving me because of an unhealthy obsession with 60's songstress Petula Clark- so Im going Down Town.

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with Cher.

If I could turn back time.

My wife said she was leaving me because of her obsession with Cliff Richard.

Now we don’t talk anymore.

My wife said she would leave me because of my Michael Jackson obsession.

I just told her to Beat It.

I think my wife left me because of my obsession with Motown music. She never said anything about it to me ...

I heard it through the grape vine.

I think my wife left me because of my obsession with Manfred Mann. She didn't say anything. I just heard the door slam and I looked out of the window ...

There she was just a-walking down the street.

 

My wife used to get annoyed about my obsession with The Monkees. When she threatened to leave me I thought she was joking ...

And then I saw her face.

My mother in law has weekly lessons with the Devil on how to be more evil.

I don’t know how much he’s paying her.

 

I’ve spent the past two years looking for my mother in law’s killer...

But no one will do it.

Two guys wandered into a bar. One of the men shouted to the barkeeper, "Hiya, Mike.  Set 'em up for me and my pal here." Then he turned to his slightly dim partner and boasted, "This is a great bar.  For every two drinks you buy, the house gives you one.  And the pinball machines in the back are free!"

"That's not so great," his friend responded.  "There's a bar across town that'll match you drink for drink, and you can get laid in the back for free."

"Where is this place?" the first guy exclaimed.

"Oh, I don't know," the dim fellow replied, "but my wife goes there all the time."

Upon answering the door to her whorehouse, the madam was surprised to see a quadruple amputee sitting on the mat.
"Are you sure you're at the right place?" she asked.  "No arms, no legs, what could you possibly do?"
The amputee replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Boy goes into a shop

”loaf of bread please”

”plain or pan” says the shop keeper

”it’s ok, my bike is outside”

Tommy has no legs

awwww

And tommy has no arms

awwwwww

tommy has no body

awww

but tommy can sing

hoooooooooray

give us a song tommy

humf pumph yeaearg bubble greeeesh

 

As a teenager I was completely obsessed with Posh Spice.

 

Cost my Mum and Dad a fortune in vanilla pods and saffron.

13 hours ago, chickenslegs said:

Well, if he trusted a guy called Judas then he can't have been too smart to begin with.  And, given that we're all god's children, what makes him so special anyway?

 

 

Edited March 26, 20197 yr by ballpoint

On 3/25/2019 at 1:03 AM, chickenslegs said:

My doctor told me I have an unhealthy obsession with iPads.

So he gave me some tablets.

 

I find Apple macs hard to swallow, but my android marshmallow is OK!