Got a call from my wife this afternoon, saying she was in casualty.

 

I rushed home and watched the whole episode this evening. She wasn’t in it.

 

And, she still hasn’t come home. I had to make my own dinner! 

On 12/5/2018 at 11:39 PM, chickenslegs said:

If you thought that was a groaner, read on ...

 

A scientist is driving along the highway, and sees a rabbit lying on the road after it had just been run over. He stops to check it out.

 

Since he just happens to be researching a formula to bring dead things back to life. He takes a can of his formula over to the dead rabbit, and sprays it on the rabbit. Nothing happens.

 

He heads back to his car, grabs another can from the glove box, and again sprays the rabbit. The rabbit quickly comes back to life, somewhat stunned but alive nonetheless.

 

It starts hopping away, then stops and waves at the scientist, hops a few feet, stops and waves. It keeps hopping and waving until it disappears into the bushes.

 

The scientist is puzzled as to why the first can failed but the second worked. He looks at the label…

 

 

"HAIR RESTORER - With Permanent Wave"

A good joke.

One night, Mrs McMillen answers the door to see her husband’s best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep.

“Hello Paddy, but where is my husband? He went with you to the Guinness factory.”

Paddy shook his head. “Ah Mrs McMillen, there was a terrible accident, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.”

Mrs McMillen starts crying. “Oh don’t tell me that, did he at least go quickly?”

Paddy shakes his head. “Not really – he got out three times to pee!”

A Catholic priest was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large shopping mall’s parking lot.

 

“Lord,” he prayed, “I can’t stand this. If you open space up for me, I swear I’ll give up drinking me whisky, and I'll even promise to leave the choirboys alone.”

 

Suddenly, the clouds parted, and the sun shone on an empty parking spot.

 

Without hesitation, the priest said, “Never mind, I found one.”

Dr O'Mahony tells his patient: "I have bad news and worse news, John."

 

"Oh dear," John replies. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient.

 

The doctor replies: "I got your test results. They said you only have 24 hours to live."

 

"That's terrible," says the patient. "But how can the news possibly be worse?"

 

Dr O'Mahony replies: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

There was snow in the forecast and the TV weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.
I thought to myself, 'fat chance,' with a face like that!

A man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland.  He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him "Where am I?" 
The farmer looks up and shouts back.  "You're in that basket."

2 blondes talking.
One says to the other, I've just taken a pregnancy test".
The other replies, "were the questions hard?
 

1 minute ago, scottiejohn said:

2 blondes talking.
One says to the other, I've just taken a pregnancy test".
The other replies, "were the questions hard?
 

you realize that is a racist joke?

Teacher "Can anyone give me a sentence with the words 'pistol and too' in it?"
Sophie: "My daddy is a soldier, he has a suit of blue, he has a sword, a bayonet and he has a pistol too."
Teacher "Very good Sophie
Johnny: "Miss, my father isn't a soldier, he doesn't have a suit of blue, but he draws his dole at half past nine, then he's on the piss'till two!
 

1 minute ago, tlandtday said:

you realize that is a racist joke?

It's OK I'm colour blind and prefer things in black and white as Murphy said to the red Indian!

Edited March 22, 20197 yr by scottiejohn

Paddy goes into a Doctor’s surgery, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the receptionist.  "Could you taste this, please? The receptionist takes the teaspoon. puts it in her mouth, swirls the liquid round and swallows it.  "Does it taste sweet?” asks Paddy.
“No not at all”. says the receptionist.
"Good," says Paddy. 

"The doctor told me to come back here and get my urine tested for sugar!”

7 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

It's OK I'm colour blind and prefer things in black and white as Murphy said to the red Indian!

I see said the blind man to the deaf dog listening to the radio.

1 minute ago, tlandtday said:

I see said the blind man to the deaf dog listening to the radio.

While swinging a cat to see if there was enough room for them all.

Quote

 

11 minutes ago, tlandtday said:

I see said the blind man to the deaf dog listening to the radio.

Were they all listening to Archie Andrews?

(ventriloquist dummy programme on BBC radio.- its true look it up)

As I walked into the bank there was a really fat drunk woman slumped beside the door.  When I came out, she asked me "Any change?"

"No", I replied, "you're still fat and drunk".

20 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

As I walked into the bank there was a really fat drunk woman slumped beside the door.  When I came out, she asked me "Any change?"

"No", I replied, "you're still fat and drunk".

I see the hospital must have good Wi-Fi, which one is it in case I am as stupid as to make the same comment.

Sent from my SM-J610F using Thailand Forum - Thaivisa mobile app

Two labourers were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole, and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.

 

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working all day furiously without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.

 

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, “I’m impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don’t get it – why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?”

 

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, “Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.'”

At a sell-out U2 concert in Glasgow, Bono asked the audience for total quiet.

Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds.

Holding the audience in total silence, he spoke solemnly into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd 
pierced the quiet...

"Well, foockin stop doin' it then, ya evil bastard.

 

 

Edited March 22, 20197 yr by chickenslegs

A little-known fact ...

 

There are no canaries on the Canary islands.

 

Same goes for the Virgin Islands …

 

No canaries there either.

 

Altogether now.............

17 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

I see the hospital must have good Wi-Fi, which one is it in case I am as stupid as to make the same comment.

No, the beggar at the bank was too slow.  it was the chubby McDonalds chick that got me.  I ordered my food and it took a while.  She said "sorry about the wait".  I said "don't worry, I'm sure you'll find a way to lose it one day".