Paddy and Mick are in town walking down a street.
Mick says, "Look Paddy, a Thai Massage place, shall we go in?"
Paddy replies, "Why the hell, would I want my tie massaged?'

I was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill...
People were giving me weird Looks, so I started jogging instead!

 

Mick says to Paddy, "Have you ever gone to bed with an ugly woman?"
Paddy says, "No, but I've woke up with a few"
 

As I opened the front door I was confronted with the unmistakable sounds of someone making love to my wife upstairs.
I took a moment to compose myself before doing what any man in my predicament would have done.
I slowly backed out of the front door and went to the pub...
Anybody prepared to have sex with her must be a right psycho!
 

 Two children were in a doctor's waiting room.
The little girl was softly sobbing.
"Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.
"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said the girl.
When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.
"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.

The boy looked at her worriedly and said,

I'm here for a urine test."

Edited March 26, 20197 yr by scottiejohn

The doctor finished performing a battery of costly tests and got the results. 

"I'm afraid I have some bad news, Mr. Cassidy," he said, "you have approximately six months to live."
"But I don't have insurance, doctor," said Cassidy, "and I can't skimp and save enough to pay for those tests in that time!"
"All right, all right," said the doctor. "Let's say nine months, then."

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat.  As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead pussy."  The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."

Not so little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom.
On the way back to bed, he passed his parents room.
When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing.
He called to his dad, “Hey Dad, what are you doing?-
The dad answered, Playing Cards’.
Johnny asked, “Whose your partner?” The dad answered, “Your mom".
Johnny then passed by his older sister's room.
Again, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his sister, “Hey Sis, what are you doing?”
The sister answered, “Playing Cards” Little Johnny asked, “Whose your partner?”  She answered, “My boyfriend”
A little later, the Dad got up and went to the bathroom.
As he passed Johnny's room, he noticed the covers bouncing.
He called to his son, “What are you doing?” Johnny answered, 'Playing Cards”
The Dad asked, “Really! Whose your partner?”
Johnny answered, "You don't need a partner if you have a good hand!"
 

I was in Toys R Us today when I noticed a really long queue.
I asked a member of staff, "What's happening there mate?"
He said, "That’s the Barbie queue."
Then like an eejit, I stood in it for the last hour trying to get a bloody burger and all I got was a bloody doll!
 

Teacher:
"Why are you Late?"
Wee Jimmy: "Because a man Lost a $50 note"
Teacher:
"Oh, that’s nice, were you helping him Look for it?"
Wee Jimmy: "No, I was standing on it"
 

I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and said, "I want to sue the airline."
"You don't have much of a case" he replied.

Would you like anything on your chips?*1
"Does it cost extra?"
"Ten pence."
"All right, I'll have four sausages and a steak pie."

I seriously can't believe the stuff some people do!
Was sitting in church and the bitch beside me lit up a fag!
"I was so shocked, I almost spilled my beer over my Ipad!"

A 6ft tall woman just divorced her 5ft husband.
They just couldn't see eye to eye!

 

I really want to kill my flat mate...
But I don't think, I could live with myself if I did.

 

Wife says to her husband,
"Bulls can have sex 300 times a year, why can’t you?”
The husband replies,
"Ask the bull if he scr*ws the same fat cow every night!”
 

Lady: Do you smoke?
Guy: Yes I do.
Lady: How many packs a day?
Guy: 3 packs.
Lady: How much per pack?
Guy: $10.00 per pack.
Lady: And how long have you been smoking?
Guy: 15 years
Lady: So 1 pack is $10.00 and you have been smoking 3 packs a day which puts your spending per month at $900. In 1 year, it would have been $10,800. Correct?
Guy: Correct.
Lady: If 1 year you spend $10,800, not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending total at $162,000. Correct?
Guy: Correct.
Lady: Do you know if you hadn't smoke, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have by now bought a Ferrari? 
Guy: Oh. Do you smoke?
Lady: No.

Guy: Then where's your bleeding Ferrari then?

Quote

 

Two guys in a truck come up to a bridge with a sign saying 'Max height 3m'.  The one driving stops and asks the other how tall their load is.  "It's about 4m" he says.
"Damn, I don't want to have to turn around and find another way", says the driver.
The other one gets out, looks around, gets back in, and says "It's okay, there's no cops, let's go".

 

 

 

Edited March 29, 20197 yr by ballpoint

A French couple are watching television one night, when the wife says to the husband that it was time he had a conversation with their thirteen year old son about the birds and the bees.  So the father goes to his son's room and says

"Son do you remember that session I arranged for you with mademoiselle Ginette?"

"Oh yes papa, I remember very well" says the son.

"Well son, your mother thinks it is time you knew that the birds and the bees do the same thing"

A new captain gets sent to a regiment in the desert.  After he's been there a while he asks one of the other officers what they do when they want some female company.

"Well, there's a tribal village just down the road, and if you go out the back you'll see a camel tied there, and..."

"WHAT?  A camel???" Interjects the captain.  "That's disgusting!"  And he storms out and doesn't speak to the other guy again.

After a few months though he's getting desperate for some action, so he sneaks out of the camp and heads for the village.  Sure enough, out the back is a female camel, and, after checking that no one is around, he has his way with her and rather enjoys it.

Getting back to camp he runs into his fellow officer and says "I'm sorry for being a little abrupt with you when we first met.  I'd like to apologise for my incivility".

"Oh, think nothing of it.  But you didn't let me finish what I was saying.  You see, at the back of the village there's a camel tied up, and we use it to ride into town to visit the local brothel".

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS:    Because George still had the axe in his hand.

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:    No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE :    No, sir. It's the same dog.

TEACHER: Harold, “What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?”
HAROLD: “A teacher.”

Two policemen with a dog are standing outside of a pub.
A guy comes out, lifts up the dog’s tail, shakes his head and leaves.
A few minutes later another guy comes out and does the same thing.
The policemen begin to wonder what’s going on but don’t say anything.
When a third guy comes out of the pub to lift the dog’s tail, they stop him and ask, 
“What are you doing?
The drunken guy replies,

 

“Sorry, but I had to look for myself, a bloke inside is claiming that there is a dog outside with two *rseholes standing at the front of the pub.”