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Shall we play---------------------------Guess the country.

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Nuff said...

 

Get the kid a trampoline.  What could possibly go wrong?

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

Mother Superior was talking to one of her young nuns. 
“Sister, if you were out late at night on your own and a man attacked you, what would you do?” 
“I would lift up my habit” she replied. 
“Goodness me, and then what would you do?” 
“I would tell him to drop his pants.” 
“Oh, Lord! Save us!” uttered the shocked Mother Superior. 
“And then what?” 
“I would run away as fast as I could, as I can run much faster with my habit up, than he can with his trousers down.” 

A young girl travelling on a crowded train asked a man if she could have his seat because she was pregnant. The man immediately jumped up and the girl sat down. As the man looked at her he remarked, “You don’t look pregnant, how far gone are you?” 

“Oh, about 30 minutes I hope,” she replied “but it sure is knackering.” 
 

“Mr Luckless, before I pass sentence, do you have anyone who could vouch for your good character?” asked the judge. 
“Yes, Your Honour, I do,” he replied. 
“Him over there” and he pointed to the local police officer. 
“But your Honour,” spluttered the officer, “I’ve never met this man in my life.” 

 

“Exactly,” exclaimed Mr Luckless, triumphantly. “I’ve lived in this town for twenty years and the police still don’t know me. Now doesn’t that show good character?” 
 

Two young hedgehogs were learning survival tactics from their father. 
“Today, I want to tell you about one of our biggest dangers. 
That road out there,” instructed dad. “There will be times that you need to cross it and if you’re lucky, a car won’t come along. But if it does, just make sure that you stop in the middle of the road so it will go over you without touching. 
Just watch me and you’ll see what I mean.” 
Dad went out into the middle of the road and waited patiently for a car. 
“It’s coming,” he shouted, “now you’ll see what…” He never finished speaking. The two young sons heard a sickly crunch as he was flattened on the road. 

 

“I meant to ask him what we should do if a 3-wheeler came along,” said one to the other. 
 

Just saw the headline: 'Woman beats off rapist' and I thought... "That seems like a reasonable compromise."

 

Understand paranoid people better by following them around.

 

I’ve been swapping labels around on the wife’s spice jars. She may not know anything about it yet but, mark my words — the thyme is cumin.

 

My son's music teacher called me up and said looks like we have a new Elvis on our hands. I said wow is he that good? She said no we just found him dead on the toilet

 

The wife and I used to like a night in the pub and enjoyed an active sex life. Then we met each other and got married.

 

Just got banned from TripAdvisor for posting a positive review of Auschwitz

 

I was in the pharmacy waiting for my prescription when this pretty assistant started flirting with me .. So as I waited i couldn't help but ask , do you take it up the a$$e or do you swallow .. That was when she called the police .. You know to this day I still don't know what I supposed to do with my suppositories.

 

I bought a 3D printer, printed it then sent it back.

 

I'm bored of hearing, "When I was a lad....." I told my Thai girlfriend.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Good news guys, due to lockdowns and quarantines another 2 months have been added to 2020 ????