"I don't know what's happened to old Tom down the street. He was very rude and called me a minger today," my wife said.
"Take no notice love," I replied, "he's just had his cataracts done."

I got a text saying... Congratulations, you are the winner of our Elvis competition.

You have the choice of two prizes:

 

Option 1: 1,000 Baht

Option 2: Tickets for an Elvis tribute concert.

 

To select, reply with 1 for the money, 2 for the show.

I've bought my wife some Prozac suppositories for her birthday.

If she isn't happy she can shove them up her ar5e. 

They say you shouldn’t put all your eggs in one basket, but now I feel like a muppet trundling around Tesco with 6 baskets!

Paddy starts work as a labourer. His first day on site the Foreman says " Right Paddy, go up the compound I showed you this morning, go into the blue container and take a wheelbarrow up to plot 51"

Five minutes later, Paddy appears, pushing a wheelbarrow, with a wheelbarrow on top.

The Foreman says "<deleted> Paddy, I only asked you to bring one wheelbarrow"

Paddy replies  "Do you think I was <deleted>' carrying it?"

I just heard about a bloke who was killed by a shark while on honeymoon in south Africa.

Luckily, he didn't suffer for long though as he was only married for 5 days.

A math professor, Dave, has a problem with his sink so he calls a plumber.

The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my pay check." But he pays it anyways.

 

The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people."

 

The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school.

 

On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks Dave, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?"

 

Dave walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared.

 

He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering,

 

"Switch the limits on the integral!"

 

no words, confused looks...

 

 

 

 

Why Allah Gave Them Camels...............................

 

 

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