The man at the bar looked sadly into his pint of beer and sighed heavily.

"What's up, Bob?" asked the landlord. "It's not like you to be so down in the mouth."

"It's my four-year-old son," he said. "The little bandits got our next-door neighbour pregnant."

"Get away!" exclaimed the landlord. "That's impossible, he's far too young."

 

"He's not. He punctured all my condoms with a needle."
 

"Mummy, Mummy, what are you doing?" exclaimed the little boy as he walked into the bedroom to find her sitting on Daddy and bouncing up and down.

"Just flattening Daddy's tummy," Mum replied.

"I wouldn't bother, when you go out shopping tomorrow the au pair will only blow it up again."
 

Two women were talking.

"My first pregnancy resulted in triplets and that only happens once every 250,000 times."

"Wow!" said her blonde friend.

"I'm surprised you ever had time to do any housework."
 

It was the annual school dance and young Johnny was dancing very close with a girl from the sixth form. After a minute or so she whispered in his ear, "Why don't we go outside to the car for a while?"

"Oh, I don't know," he said. "I like dancing."

But the girl continued to coax him and eventually he agreed.

When they got outside it was pitch black, so the man produced a torch from his pocket.

"Have you had that torch with you all night?" she asked.

"Yes," he said.

"Oh well, in that case let's go back to the dance."
 

Little Billy peeped into his big sister's bedroom one day to see her rubbing her hands between her legs, saying, "I need a man, God, I need a man."

The next night he peeped into her bedroom again and was amazed to find a man in bed with her. Later on that night if anyone had looked in Billy's room they would have seen him rubbing his hands between his legs, saying,

"I need a Play Station, God, please, I need a PlayStation."

PS; He wasn’t old enough yet to know he would soon have his own personal play station there!
 

.

.

An elderly man was having a calm walk when he happens to pass a brothel.
One  of the hookers calls out: "Hey Grandpa! Why don't you try ?
The old man replies: "No, my child, I cannot!"
The hooker: "Cheer up !!! Let us try !!!"
The elderly man enters and performs like a 25 year old
The hooker says: "Oh Gosh! And you still say you cannot" 
 The old man replies: "Aaah, sex I can, what I cannot is pay!"

I went to a zoo and there was a baguette in a cage.
The keeper said it was bread in captivity.

Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One of the guys said he was going to bug him.
He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a sissy.” "Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.”

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a sissy and he didn't care!" "You just don't know how to set him off. Watch and learn.”

The second English man walked over and tapped the Irish man on the shoulder. "I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite!" "Oh, wow, I didn't know that, thank you.”

Shocked beyond belief, the English man went back to his buddies. "You are right, he is unshakable!"

The third English man said: "No, no, no, I will really bug him, you just watch.”

The English man walked over to the Irish man, tapped him on the shoulder and said: "I hear your St. Patrick was an Englishman!" "Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me.”

One day, a cowboy rode into town...
He tied up his horse and entered a saloon. When he exited the saloon, he found his horse missing.

The cowboy shouted, "I'm going to go inside for another drink, and when I'm done, my horse better be returned. If not, I'll do what I did back in Texas."

The cowboy went back inside the bar, got a drink, and returned to find his horse. As he saddled up, a man approached him and asked, "Out of curiosity, what did you do back in Texas?"

The cowboy responded, "I had to walk home."

                  Colouring picture for lazy people

 My wife…. she doesn’t go for me either. When she gave birth, I asked if I should be in the room with her. She said “What for?” When I got pregnant you weren’t in the room with me?