When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a school teacher.
The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. “Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times!"

There is a story on the news about an Avon lady that ate all her cosmetics and is now terribly constipated...

You can't sh!t this make up!

I just opened my fridge and it really smells of basil...

I think it's faulty!

I accidentally added Matt Hancock as a friend on Facebook.

I've just been awarded three government contracts.

13 hours ago, chickenslegs said:

A horse with no name? (1971)

Not 72............... should have got that--but once my head gets into a certain track of thought....etc ...etc

 

 

16 hours ago, fangless said:

PS;  Would you believe that the <deleted> was the abbreviation for "Oh My God"!!

 

Would I believe it.........

 

Would you believe that one of the most often deleted 4 letter words (Begins with S---ends T, we shall call it $$$$)  is printed 7 times whenever "A certain person of great responsibility " makes a post.... its in a humorist  little ditty at the end of his posts.

 

If You Buddhist  $$$$ happens....

...if your Muslim...etc etc.

      X7

 

 

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A nice comfortable recliner or....

 

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Daily Express latest fashion tips.

 

Your always fit in---in Thailand

It was market day in the small town and towards the end of the day a vet approached one of the old farmers.

 

"Have you ever considered artificial insemination for your herd of cows, Mr Woodall?"

"No, thanks, I'll stick to the old-fashioned way, if it's all the same to you."

"OK, but if you change your mind, give us a ring and we'll take it from there."

On the way home, the farmer pondered the vet's words but couldn't imagine how a cow could be serviced without a bull. His curiosity eventually got the better of him and he rang the vet asking for his cow to be serviced as soon as possible.

 

"OK," replied the vet. "If you can get a few things ready. Wash down the cow's backside, put down some clean straw and have a bucket of hot water and a stool ready."

When all was ready, the vet arrived.

"Have you done everything I asked?"

"That I have," replied the farmer.

 

"I've even hammered a nail in the post for you to hang your trousers on."

*
 

"Hey, come over here," hissed a voice.

Looking round the man could see no one but an old mangy greyhound.

"Yes, over here," said the greyhound.

"Look at the state of me. I'm stuck here in this shed when I should be out winning more races. I was a triple champion in my time, you know."

The man was dumbfounded. A talking dog! He could become famous.

Everyone would want to see it.

Millions could be made.

He went to look for the dog's owner.

"I'd like to buy your dog," he said, "is it for sale?"

The owner shook his head and said, "No, mate, you don't want that old thing."

"Oh, but I do," persisted the man. "I'll give you £100 for it."

"Well, alright, but I think you're making a great mistake."

 

"That dog's a bloody liar. He's never won a race in his life."
 

Two women talking over the garden wall.

The first said, "It's no good, Beryl, I'm at my wits' end. I can't stand the sight of that skinny runt George any longer.

He treats me like dirt, he's never at home, he just uses the place as a hostel and I know he's going to bed with  every bit of skirt in town. It's had a terrible effect upon me, I've already lost half a stone in weight."

"Leave him, Sylvia, leave him and take him for everything you can," replied her outraged friend.

 

"Oh, I will, I will, just as soon as I lose another ten and a half stone." She panted.
 

"Mummy, Mummy, Bobby's got something I haven't got," said the upset little girl, pointing between her legs.

"Oh, don't worry about that," said Mummy, relieved,

"as long as you've got one of these you'll always be able to get one like his."

*

"Daddy, Daddy, are you still growing?"

"Why do you ask, son?"

"Because the top of your head is coming through your hair."
 

Father calls little Johnny over to give him the birds and the bees talk...
Johnny starts crying uncontrollably the moment he says this.

"Whats wrong? I haven't even told you anything yet!" the surprised father asks.

Little Johnny tries to talk through the tears:

"Two years ago, you wanted to talk about Easter bunny, then told me he wasn't real...

Then last year you wanted to talk about Santa, and told me he isn't real either...

If now you tell me sex isn't real, I have nothing left to live for!"

Guy walks into a cake shop and asks “is that a cake or a meringue?”

“No it’s a cake, you were right the first time”

A young girl walked into her parents bedroom to find her mother astride her father. To cover any embarrassment they told her they were playing a game.

"Can I join in?" she asked.

"Of course."

So the girl sits astride Mum as well, jumping up and down, pretending Mum is a horse. As the parents reach a climax, the little girl shouts excitedly, "Hold on tight, Mum, this is where the au pair usually falls off Daddy."