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Patient is discharged from hospital after heart surgery and the doctor told him a few things he could and shouldn’t do. Patient asked “ what about sex”
Doctor said that’s ok but only with your wife, I wouldn’t want to get you too excited

 

What do you call it when a short person waves to you?
A microwave.

 

Here's a question for all you mind readers out there...

 

Without the Super Bowl....
...most Americans would have no idea what a Roman Numeral is

 

"I see", said the blind man as he <deleted> into the wind, "It all comes back to me now."

 

Why dont chickens wear underwear??

Because their peckers are on their face!!!

 

What did the Doe say when she came out of the woods?
I'm not doing that again for two bucks.

 

Why did the condom fly across the room??

It got <deleted> off!!!!

 

A friend of mine overdosed on viagra.
His wife is taking it very hard.

 

My Wife asked for a piano for her birthday but, I gave her a upright organ instead.

 

 

 

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

 

 "Sand," answered Juan.

 

The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. He releases Juan and lets him cross the border.

 

 A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What's in the bags?"

 

"Sand," says Juan.

 

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

 

This sequence of events is repeated every week for three years.

 

Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

 

"Hey Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about... Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

 

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

The Ocean – ALL you Need to Know!!
 

Children Writing About the Ocean….

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)
2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't
have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)
4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
5) - A dolphin breaths through an <deleted> on the top of its head.
(Billy, age ????
6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and comes
back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle
to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better
off eating beans. (William, age 7)
???? - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and
I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant?
Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is
always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom and my big sister has
just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
11) - When you go swimming in the ocean it is very cold and it makes my
willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't
go down alone so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age ????
13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was
going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right
up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)
14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown
I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)
15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean.
What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.
(James, age 7)

Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.

 

One nun suggests to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room.

 

Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other and one nun says, "He's blind, so he can't see. What could it hurt?" They let him in.

 

The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

 

Back and forth...back and forth. In and out...in and out. A little to the right...a little to the left.

 

She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back.

 

She was getting near to the end. He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved... Forwards then backwards...forward then backward... Again...and again!

 

Her heart was pounding now...Her face was flushed...She groaned... softly at first, then began to groan louder.

 

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out a piercing scream, "OK, you smug <deleted>, so I can't parallel park. You do it!"

The Zen of Sarcasm

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tyre

3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper,
that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat
and drink beer all day.

11. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe
together.

12. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

13. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. Never argue with an idiot. He'll just drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

 

Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you'll be a mile away, and you'll have their shoes.

 

"I stand corrected!" said the man in the orthopedic shoes.

 

Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There's no menu; you get what you deserve.

 

A guy goes to a pet store to buy a goldfish. The salesman asks him, "Do you want an aquarium?" The guy responds, "I don't care what star sign it is!"

 

I don’t know what the best thing about Switzerland is, but I do know their flag is a huge plus.

 

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now!

 

Natchitoches, Louisiana

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana.

 

They approached the city of Natchitoches and started arguing about the pronunciation of the city’s name. As they were arguing back and forth they stopped for lunch.

 

At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?"

 

The waitress leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."

11 years ago today my pal James
came running out shouting
"It's a boy!" tears streaming
down his face.

We never went back to Thailand

 

 

3 hours ago, Crossy said:

She was always a cut above the rest.  Pity she got cut off in her prime! I wonder if she saw it coming?

 

 

Sir...