1 hour ago, Hamus Yaigh said:

Your up to date--that was on the news this morning --"Some" women aren't happy with it. Apparently it demeans the role of motherhood as they do a lot more things then whats stated in the Cartoon....the fact that its just a joke........is.........Mmmm

THE FOLLOWING IS NOT A JOKE BUT A TRIBUTE TO MURRAY WALKER (R.I.P.)!

Murray Walker, who died yesterday aged 97, was a well known UK TV Formula One TV commentator in the UK who became famous for his live broadcasting "mistakes" which became known as 'Murrayisms'.  Here are a few;

'There's nothing wrong with the car except that it's on fire.'

'The lead car is unique except for the one behind it, which is identical.'

'And now, excuse me while I interrupt myself.'

'I should imagine that the conditions in the cockpit are totally unimaginable.'

'Even in five years time, he will still be four years younger than Damon Hill.'

'He can't decide whether to leave his visor half open or half closed.'

'There are seven winners of the Monaco grand prix on the starting line today, and four of them are Michael Schumacher.'

'Now we have exactly the same situation as at the beginning of the race, only exactly opposite.'

'You might think, that's not cricket, and it's not, it's motor racing.'

'If is a very long word in Formula One. In fact, if is F1 spelled backwards.' 

 

 

 

A honeymoon couple booked into a fishing camp one evening. The manager gave them a cabin away from the rest of the guests.

Early the next morning, before dawn he sees the new groom with his gear heading down to the water.  Same thing the next morning. The third morning brings the same results. Perplexed he asked "You're on your honeymoon, why aren't you in there making love to your bride?"

"She has a case of gonorrhea" he replied.

The innkeeper presses and says "Have you thought about **** sex?"
"Oh yea" said the groom "But she has a bad case of diarrhoea"
The manager scratches his head and says "Have you tried putting it in her mouth?"

"Thought about that" says the groom "But she also has pyorrhea"

"Gonorrhea, Diarrhoea , Pyorrhea, why on earth did you marry her?"

The groom hold ups an unlabeled soup can proclaiming

"She's got worms!"

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.............................creepy joe

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2 hours ago, fangless said:

"mistakes"

were they? He once said: "I don't make mistakes, I make prophesies which immediately turn out to be wrong."

Lovely guy. RIP.

* A bit of humour.

How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other side 
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I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work
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How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it
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Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter
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Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
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Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any
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What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe
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I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case
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When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane
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A cross-eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils
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She had a photographic memory but never developed it
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Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care
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I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind
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Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.
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My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve
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The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize
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I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”
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Need an ark? I Noah guy
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I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure
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Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed
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What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine
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What do you call a super articulate dinosaur? A Thesaurus

4 hours ago, sanuk711 said:

Snot a very kind comment!

2 hours ago, Disparate Dan said:

were they? He once said: "I don't make mistakes, I make prophesies which immediately turn out to be wrong."

Lovely guy. RIP.

No I believe they were mostly deliberate, hence the "" around  the "Mistakes" in my post.

 

 

A male visitor to a country golf club ended up in the female locker room by mistake. He was unaware of this mix up until halfway through his shower when two ladies entered and he could hear them talking across the way. In a panic, all he could think of was to escape without being recognised. He wrapped a towel round his head and ran naked from the room.

"My goodness," exclaimed the first woman. "That certainly wasn't my husband."

"Nor mine," said the second.

"In fact," continued the first, "he's not even a member of this club."
 

"You will love me even more now we're married, won't you?" asked the newlywed girl.

"Even more," he replied. "I've a thing about married women."
 

An oil rig worker on his way out to an oil rig was stranded on a desert island, with only a pig and a dog for company. After some months of watching the pig scurry around, with its sexy little wiggle and cute little curly tail, his frustration began to get the better of him, and he decided that in the absence of a woman, the pig would have to do. So picking a moment when the pig had its face in its food, he crept up on the beast, and was just about to grab it, when the dog rushed up, barking its head off, and the pig naturally bolted.

This happened repeatedly; every time he got near the pig, the dog would rush up and ruin everything.

Then one day his prayers were answered: a beautiful girl was washed ashore. He looked after her until she'd recovered her strength and in gratitude she asked him if there was anything she'd like him to do.

"Too right there is, miss," answered the rigger. "Hold that bleeding dog, will you?"
 

A woman was walking through the park when she spotted a man and a dog playing chess. She watched the game for a few minutes and then remarked,

"I can hardly believe what I'm seeing. A dog playing chess. What a clever animal!"

"He's not that clever, madam," replied the man. "I've beaten him seven games out of nine."
 

The East End gang boss had always been very careful whom he employed, for fear of being grassed up. He thought he'd been really clever with his crooked accountant who was deaf and dumb. There wasn't much of a risk that he would overhear too much. However, it eventually dawned on the boss that someone was stealing money from him. A lot of money. And it didn't take long for him to discover it was his crooked accountant.

"Benny," he ordered, "Get that no good crook down here pronto and get Marty to come with him. He understands sign language." Later in his office, the boss started interrogating him.

"Marty, ask him what he's done with the money."

At first the terrified accountant signalled his ignorance of the theft but when a gun was put to his head, he spilled the beans. With rapid hand movements, he explained that he'd hidden all the money in a trunk in an old derelict factory, two miles from the office.

"So what did he say?" demanded the boss, impatiently.

"It's no good, boss," replied Marty. "He says, this is a shorten version without all the insult about you and your family, you haven't got the bottle to shoot him, so you can go and get stuffed, etc. etc."

That's when the shot rang out.