Time and tide wait for no man

              What is it Peter, you look worried ?” said Josephine

 

“It’s That Thai Lady" said Peter “She’s lost a ping pong ball......she put six up but only five of them fired out !”

I saw the lady next door talking to her cat, she obviously believed that the cat understood every word.

 

When I went indoors, I told my dog about it, and we both had a good laugh.

The young couple have been married for six months and one day when they are in bed, he asks her if she is happy.

"Oh, yes," she replies.

"Everything is wonderful."

"But is there nothing that bothers you?" he persists.

"Well... only a couple of things," she finally concedes.

"You're always picking your nose and we always make love with you on top."

"I can explain that," he says. "When I was growing up my father gave me two pieces of advice “

 

"Keep your nose clean and don't c*ck up.' "
 

A kindly old curate happened upon three young girls crying at a grave in the Church graveyard. Taking pity on their distress he invited them into the rectory for a cup of tea and a slice of cake. In the warmth of the kitchen and the smell of freshly baked cakes, the three girls cheered up.

"Now," he said, smiling as he brought over the tea tray,

 

"who's going to be mother?" and they all burst into tears again.

A little girl was watching her father take a shower.

She asked him what was in the bag hanging between his legs.

"They're my plums," he replied.

A little later she told her mother what he had said.

Mum retorted,

 

"And did he tell you about the dead branch they're hanging off?"
 

The rich and elegant old woman stopped to reverse her Rolls into the only free parking space in the multi-storey car park. But as she was slowly backing in, a young girl in a nifty little sports car came up behind her and nipped into the parking space ahead of her.

 

"You've got to be young and daring to do that," said the girl.

 

The old woman ignored her and continued to reverse into the parking spot, pushing the sports car out of the parking space and down a slope, where it smashed into a wall and burst into flames. The old woman finished parking, then turned to the dumbfounded girl and said,

 

 

"And you've got to be old and rich to do that."