George was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?"

He said, "No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me .

Then the police dispatcher said, "All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available"

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Sad news.
The inventor of the speed boat has died.
The funeral is tomorrow,
followed by the wake.

The remake of the Evil Dead has triumphed at the US box office.
Featuring extreme violence and multiple gory killings, the US is made up of fifty states.

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, and something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."

For anyone who’s interested, I will be signing books in Kinokuniya Paragon this Saturday from 9am till midday, or until security notices what I’m doing and throws me out.

Guy walks into a bar with his dog...

Barkeeper says no dogs allowed in here. Dog owner says this isn't just a dog, this is Ralph, he's a talking dog. Barkeeper says if your dog can really talk, not only will I let him stay, I'll give him a free drink. Dog says ok then, I'll have a light beer.

 

Barkeeper says that's amazing. Tell you what, I'll give your dog 50 bucks if he goes across the street to Liam's Pub and screams that The Rooster Bar is the best bar in town. So the dog takes the 50 bucks and leaves.

 

Half hour later the dog isn't back so the owner goes and looks for him. The owner sees his dog in the alley behind a container humping a poodle. Dog owner says Ralph, I've never seen you do this before. The dog replies I've never had $50 before.

I told my boss that three companies were after me, so I needed a raise in pay to stay in my current job. He asked which companies?

I told him the gas, electric, and phone companies.

17 minutes ago, roo860 said:

What donut?

 

Charles, a new retiree-greeter at KMart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.

Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk;

 "Charles, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes sir, I know, and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.”
“Yes sir, I understand your concern and I’ll try harder.”
Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment;

 “It's odd though your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning so late and so often?"
The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled.

He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin;
"They usually saluted and said:
'Good morning General, can I get your coffee sir?" 

 

What happens to a lawyer after he takes Viagra?

He gets taller.

Love…everyone’s looking for love…I’m looking for a shallow half hour!

I have a large homosexual following. I have to walk slowly, though, so he can keep up.

10 hours ago, Michaelaway said:

What happens to a lawyer after he takes Viagra?

He gets taller.

 

Any man who sees a Lawyer doesn't need Viagra, they get stiffed by him.

Why did Michael Jackson like twenty three year olds?

Because there were twenty of them...

Smart cows, or pronunciation deficient farmer?

The art of living dangerously