Cruel Teacher; "Can anyone give me an example of something useless?"
Tommy raises his hand
Cruel Teacher; "Very good Tommy.  Anyone with any other examples?"

"Don't worry about the cow," said the vet to the farmer. "It just needs a pessary up its backside. Take this tube, simply insert it in the cow's bum and blow."

When the farmer returned to his farm, he explained the method to his cowman and left him to it. Half an hour later, the cowman came looking for him.

"Sorry, Mr Brooks, I can't seem to blow the damn thing up." Farmer Brooks went back to the cow shed, took the tube out, turned it round and re-inserted it. He then blew the pessary up first time.

"Why did you turn the tube around, was that the problem?" asked the cowman.

 

"No it is just I'm not sucking the end that's been in your mouth!"
 

Jack was fanatical about his special racing bike and he would clean it morning and evening, rubbing a special lubricant over it to stop any rust.

One day, he was invited to dinner at his girlfriend's house and went round on the bicycle but was told he couldn't bring it inside. It would have to remain round the back of the house.

After the meal, the mother said she wasn't washing up as she'd done the cooking.

"Well, I'm not," said the daughter.

"And I'm not," said the father.

"Neither am I," said Jack. "It looks like rain and I've got to see to my bike."

They seemed to have reached a stalemate so the father shouted, "Right, the next one who speaks will do the dishes!" It was so quiet you could hear a pin  drop, but Jack was getting very agitated as he looked through the windows at the storm clouds gathering. He needed to get the lubricant on the bike. In sheer desperation to make someone speak he suddenly jumped on top of his girlfriend and rogered her there and then on the dining-room floor. The parents were utterly shocked but no word was said. So as he saw the first few spots of rain he jumped on the wife and gave her a good seeing to as well. But still nobody spoke.

As the rain started to fall, Jack knew he had failed, jumped up and said,

"It's no good, I've got to use the lubricant now."

 

At which point the father shot out of the room saying, "OK, I'll do the dishes."

The traffic police spotted a man staggering towards his car and opening the driver's door. They stopped and confronted him.

"Excuse me, sir, but I hope you are not intending to drive the car?"

 

"Of course I am, officer," he slurred. "I'm in no state to walk."
 

A man went to the doctor's complaining that his wife had such a vigorous sex drive that she was wearing him out. The doctor suggested he bring his wife into the surgery for an examination so they both turned up the following week.

The wife was told to go into the other room and strip off, but when the doctor went in, he was overcome by her beautiful body and the way she started to tempt him over.

"It's no good, I can't help myself!" gasped the doctor and he stripped off frantically and jumped on top of her.

After some time, the groans of pleasure attracted the attention of the husband, so he opened the door to see what was going on.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" bellowed the husband.

"I'm... taking your wife's temperature," replied the flustered doctor. Taking a gun from his pocket, the man says,

 

"When you take that thing out, it better have numbers on it."
 

"Mum, Dad, I have something to tell you. I'm getting married to Julie from the post office, she's agreed to be my wife."

"That's wonderful news," says Mum.

"Er... yes..." says Dad, a little hesitantly.

Later, when they are on their own, Dad confesses to his son that during his marriage he did have one teeny weeny extramarital affair and that in fact Julie is his half-sister. The boy is devastated. He breaks off the engagement but it takes over two years before he can ever look at another girl. Then one day, he comes home again.

"Mum, Dad, I've asked Tracy to marry me and she's accepted."

Mum's delighted, she's been so worried about her poor boy, but once again Dad doesn't say much until later.

"I'm sorry, son, I did have one other fling and I'm afraid Tracy is also your half-sister."

The boy is devastated once again at this news, but then gets angry, and decides to tell his mother the awful truth.

"Don't you worry about your father," she says.

 

"Go ahead and marry Tracy. What he doesn't know is that he's not really your dad."
 

The husband was coming up to retirement age, and his wife decided they should celebrate by taking a week's cruise to the continent.

"We can pretend we're young again," she said coyly, "and do all the things that

we used to do when we first met."

The husband agreed and, while his wife made the arrangements, he visited the local chemist for a box of condoms and a packet of seasick tablets. However, when he returned, his wife greeted him with the news that, if they booked up for one week, they'd get another week free. So back to the chemist he went, to get another packet of condoms and more seasick pills. Saturday night arrived and, to the couple's joy, they won £1 million on the lottery.

"Oh, Charles," beamed his wife, "now we can do what we've always wanted to do, and take our dream round-the-world cruise."

"Yes, dear," replied Charles as he put on his hat and headed for the door. "Won't be long," he shouted.

"Twelve packets of condoms and six bottles of seasick pills, please," he asked the chemist.

"You know, sir," said the chemist,

 

"I don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why do you keep on doing it and so often?"

57 minutes ago, fangless said:

That reminds me of "grab a granny night" at some Saturday night dances.

A young man was showing of his new sport scar to his girlfriend
She was thrilled at the speed.

"If i do 200 km/h, will you take all of your clothes off?"

The girlfriend felt adventurous, and said "yes, of course"

He brought the car up to the 200 km/h benchmark. However, he was unable to keep his eyes on the road and the car swerved, then flipped over. the Naked girl was thrown clear, but the boyfriend got stuck in a hole.

"Go and get help" he yelled.

"I can't I'm naked!"

"take my shoe, he said, and cover yourself."

Holding the shoe to her pubes she ran off, down the road. she came to a gas station, and ran inside to the proprietor.

"Please help, my boyfriend got stuck in a hole!"

The proprietor look at her. looked at the shoe, and then said: "there's nothing I can do, he's too far in. "

A man and woman walked into a bank with a large sack of coins.

"Did you hoard all this yourself?" asks the bank teller.

"No," came the reply.

 

"My wife whored, I pimped."
 

The elephant keeper at the zoo was grooming his animal when a man stopped to ask him the time. The keeper got down on his knees, swung the elephant's balls to and fro and replied, "Half past four."

Amazed, the man caught up with his friends and urged them to return with him to see this extraordinary occurrence. They agreed and all went back to the keeper.

"Excuse me, do you know the time, please?" said one of the friends. Again the man got on his knees, gently handled the elephant's balls and replied,

"Four forty-five."

After the party moved on, the first man's curiosity got the better of him and he returned to the keeper.

"I'll give you £50 if you show me how you can tell the time  just by touching his parts."

"If you insist," said the keeper. He beckoned the man to get down on his knees as well, then moved the elephant's balls to one side and said,

 

"You see that clock tower over there?"
 

A poor simple young girl went to the doctor's and was told she was pregnant.

"But how come?" she said. "I haven't been with a man."

Patiently, the doctor explains the birds and bees to her.

"Oh no," she gasped,

 

"the first aid teacher told me it was artificial respiration."
 

Bill, the local barber, had a secret remedy to restore hair and on the odd occasion he would pass it on to his very special customers.

One such customer came in and asked Bill to give him the remedy and offered £1,000.

After some thought, Bill agreed and told him all he needed do to restore hair to his bald patch was apply some female secretions along with his secret ointment.

"But how do I know it works?" replied the customer. "You've still got a bald patch on your head."

"Maybe," said Bill.

 

"But have you ever seen a more luxuriant  moustache?"
 

The troops were out on manoeuvres in the Himalayas, when one of the animals carrying their supplies collapsed and died.

"You two men there," shouted the corporal, "bury this animal immediately."

As the men dug the hole, one remarked to the other, "Poor old donkey."

"That's not a donkey, that's a mule," said his mate.

Neither could agree so they asked the opinion of a third soldier.

"Trust me lads," he said, "that's definitely an ass."

Some time later, just as they were finishing off the hole, a passing colonel stopped to speak.

"Is that a foxhole you're digging, men?" he asked.

"No, sir," replied the men saluting, "we're digging an a*shole."
 

Me: "Sorry boss can’t come in today my car has broken down".
Boss: "What about the bus?"
Me: "I don’t have a bus".

A mate of mine has admitted to being addicted to drinking brake fluid.

I'm a bit worried but he says he can stop whenever he wants.