7 hours ago, fangless said:

The elephant keeper at the zoo was grooming his animal when a man stopped to ask him the time. The keeper got down on his knees, swung the elephant's balls to and fro and replied, "Half past four."

Amazed, the man caught up with his friends and urged them to return with him to see this extraordinary occurrence. They agreed and all went back to the keeper.

"Excuse me, do you know the time, please?" said one of the friends. Again the man got on his knees, gently handled the elephant's balls and replied,

"Four forty-five."

After the party moved on, the first man's curiosity got the better of him and he returned to the keeper.

"I'll give you £50 if you show me how you can tell the time  just by touching his parts."

"If you insist," said the keeper. He beckoned the man to get down on his knees as well, then moved the elephant's balls to one side and said,

 

"You see that clock tower over there?"
 

Ahh! Oldies but goldies. Here's the original version:

 

 

A rich couple lost all their money, and were trying to think of ways to restore their fortunes. The husband said to his wife, "If you learnt to cook, we could get rid of the housekeeper."

And she retorted,

 

"If you were better in bed, we could get rid of the gardener."

 

A goose goes into the local job centre and joins the back of the waiting queue. When his turn comes he goes up to the interviewer and asks what's on offer.

"My goodness!" gasps the interviewer. "You can talk."

"Well, of course," retorts the goose. "I'm not bloody stupid."

"OK, let me see, come back on Thursday and I'll have something for you."

After the goose has gone, the man rings the circus and persuades the owner to take on the goose, with 5 per cent of the profits coming to him.

Thursday arrives and in waddles the goose.

"So what have you got for me?" he asks.

"Well, I've got you a great job in the circus," he enthuses.

"Good money and full board."

"No, that's no good to me," says the goose.

 

"I'm an electrician not a bleedin clown!"
 

On her way home from an all-night party, the girl was stopped by the traffic cops and breathalysed.

Looking at the results one of the policemen said, "You've had a few stiff ones tonight, Miss."

"That's amazing," she said.

 

"I didn't know you could tell that as well."
 

It was Saturday night in the seaside resort and Ted and his two mates were all dressed up ready to paint the town red. Since they were new in town they were having a discussion about where to go as they walked down the promenade.  As they walked  past the chapel Ted suddenly popped into the church and headed for the  confessional.

"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I slept with a woman who was not my wife."

"I suppose it was Christina from the Red Lion."

"No, Father."

"Don't tell me it was Stacey at the Kings Arms?"

"No, Father."

"Then it must have been that brazen hussy Marie from the chip shop?"

After the priest had given out the penance, Ted went back outside to meet his friends. He smiled at them saying, "It's worked again, lads,

 

I've got the names of another three ravers!"

 

1 hour ago, tomazbodner said:

 

That is why I have a Ford Ranger. I push the seat back as far as it will go, adjust the steering wheel to high and climb UP into it.

 

If not I would be like the guy in the video except that I wouldn't be laughing.

Today's Bad Joke - Chinese English.. So Bad but Funny

A refuse collector is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.

He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin,

he gets out of his truck, goes to the front door and knocks. There's no answer.

Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.

Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door.

"Harro!" says the Chinese man.

"Hello sir! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.

"I bin on toiret" explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed.

Realizing the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.

"No! No! Mate, where's your dust bin?"

"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!" says the Chinese man, still perplexed.

"Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. Where's your wheelie bin?"

"OK, OK" replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin. He then whispers in the collector's ear.

"I wheelie bin having a Delete!"

On 4/17/2021 at 4:06 AM, Hamus Yaigh said:

 

15 hours ago, tomazbodner said:

 

<Pedant alert>

I get it.  He thought he was buying a Ferrari, but it's actually a Lamborghini.

Ha ha. What a silly old man.

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite?

All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

A blonde goes into a church and asks the minister,

"How much does it cost to rent a church singing group?

"He replies, "Do you mean a choir?"

She said, "Fine. How much does it cost to acquire a church singing group?"

My wife dated a clown before she started going out with me...

I had some pretty big shoes to fill!

"The only time my husband wakes up stiff is when he's been jogging the night before."

Said the disillusioned woman.

After an hour of playing bridge and getting beaten every time, the husband excused himself to go to the bathroom. As he left the room, the wife turned to her hosts and remarked scornfully, "This'll be the first time I've known what's in his hand all night and it is still no use to be playing with."

 

 

 

 

 

At the summer fayre, Farmer Brown has brought along his favourite horse and is making a lot of money by taking bets on anyone who could make him laugh. One cunning-looking local comes up and takes up the bet. He whispers something in the horse's ear and the animal starts to laugh uncontrollably.

Not to be outsmarted, the farmer offers him double or nothing if he can

make the horse cry.

The local goes round to the other side of the horse, out of sight of onlookers, and after a moment the horse starts to cry uncontrollably.

As the farmer pays up, he asks the man how he managed to make the horse laugh and then cry.

"Well, first I told him my knob was bigger than his, and the second time I showed him."