"My mother's cooking was so bad..."

"How bad was it?"

"All the flies in the neighbourhood got together and bought us a screen door!"

During a church service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to be prayed for.

Susan stood and walked to the podium. She said, “Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.”

 

There was a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation.

 

“Phil was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and they were able to reconstruct the crushed remnants of Phil’s scrotum, using wire to reinforce and shape it.”

 

The men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably.

 

“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.” All the men sighed with relief.

 

The pastor rose and asked if anyone else had something to say.

 

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, “I’m Phil.”

 

The entire congregation held its breath.

 

“I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.”

One day, a husband said to his wife, “I don’t know how you got to be so beautiful and so dumb at the same time.”

The wife responded, “Allow me to explain…” “God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me. He made me dumb so I would be attracted to you.”

Women's Anger can change the history of Mankind.

 

US Astronaut Neil Armstrong was the 1st man to walk on the Moon, on 20th July, 1969, 52 years ago.

 

As Commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, when Neil Armstrong set foot on the Moon, his 1st words were:

"One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind!"

That was televised all over the world, and millions heard it.

 

But just as he re-entered the Lunar Lander, he made the enigmatic remark:

"Good luck, Mr. Gorsky!" 

 

Many people at NASA wondered who that casual remark was directed at.

Upon checking, it was found that there was no Mr Gorsky in either the Soviet or the US Space Programs.

 

Over the years, Neil Armstrong was repeatedly asked the background to that remark about Mr Gorsky.

 

In response, Armstrong only smiled but never gave any explanation.

 

Finally, on July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, a reporter once again asked Neil Armstrong, the 26-year-old question, about Mr Gorsky.

 

By this time, Mr. Gorsky had passed away, so Neil Armstrong felt able to answer the question.

 

In 1938, when Neil Armstrong, as a kid in a small mid-western town, was playing Baseball with a friend in his parents' backyard, they hit the Ball into their neighbours' backyard, below their bedroom window.

 

Neil Armstrong went to fetch the ball & heard the neighbour's wife Mrs. Gorsky, yelling at Mr Gorsky:

"Sex! You Want Sex?!?
You'll get Sex when the kid next door walks on the Moon!!!"

 

Women!!!????  In their anger, can change the history of mankind.

15 hours ago, tomazbodner said:

I give up, what are they? (I am "Only" 55 so maybe I'm too young to know) 

 

 

33 minutes ago, Mike Teavee said:

I give up, what are they? (I am "Only" 55 so maybe I'm too young to know) 

 

 

Google Image search helped me out, they're the Stones from the 5th Element Movie, (IMHO) terrible movie best forgotten  so I wouldn't have got it no matter how old I was... 

 

5 hours ago, ballpoint said:

I thought it was because, with everyone at home, they couldn't find any stolen good to sell.

I thought it was an Irish team not a Liverpudlian one!

40 minutes ago, fangless said:

I thought it was an Irish team not a Liverpudlian one!

That's true. I heard that good fences make good neighbours, so I moved to Liverpool.

6 hours ago, fangless said:

I'm still trying to fathom that one out!

 

????

 

 

 

Oooh, you are nautical.