I tried catching fog the other day...
Mist...

The Woman and the Farmer
A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that? I just ordered champagne, too!' 'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'... This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.' 'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added: 'What are you celebrating?' 'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!' 'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.' 'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?' 'I used a different cock,' he replied. The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said 'what a coincidence'!

Last night a storm blew away 25% of my roof.
oof

I’ve spent the afternoon re-arranging the furniture in Dracula’s house.

I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui.

I was reading a book – ‘The History of Glue’ –

I got stuck into it and  couldn’t put it down.

 

PS;  The ending wasn't all that good as it came to a sticky end.

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said, ‘How many potatoes would you like, James?’. I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’ She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite just treat us like you would your wife.’ ‘Alright,’ I said,

‘I’ll just have three as usual then, you stupid cow.

 

 

A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train.

When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!

38 minutes ago, fangless said:

PS;  The ending wasn't all that good as it came to a sticky end.

Sounds like a happy ending to me?

Testing a fishy theory

 

Two sailors are talking:

Sailor A: “I hear fish is good brain food.”

Sailor B: “Yeah, I eat it all the time.”

Sailor A: “Well, there goes another theory!”

There was a young lady named Banker
Who slept while the yacht lay at anchor
She woke in dismay,
When she heard the mate say,
"Now hoist up the topsheet and spanker” 

Teacher asks the class, 'What's the name of Robin Hood's girlfriend?'

Little Johnny says, 'I know miss, it's Trudy Glenn'

'No', says the teacher, 'Its Maid Marion'.

Johnny says, "But in the song miss it's 'Robin Hood, Robin Hood, riding Trudy Glenn".

A bloke was sitting at the side of the road crying his eyes out, his dead hamster in his hands.

A fairy godmother happened along and asked him what the matter was.

He said “I loved my pet hamster and it just died ”.

The fairy godmother said “Well I can’t bring it back to life, but I can suggest that you can make some good of the situation”.

The bloke asked “How do I do that ?”

The fairy godmother replied “Go home, put the hamster in a pan and add a bag of sugar. Heat the pan up stirring well and simmer for an hour. Allow to cool, pour it onto your garden and see what happens”.

The bloke did exactly as she suggested. The next day, he went into the garden and there were masses of daffodils everywhere! He ran back to the road where he’d seen the fairy godmother and she reappeared and asked the bloke how he’d got on.

He said “It’s fantastic, there are daffodils everywhere!”

The fairy godmother replied “That’s really strange, you normally get tulips from hamster jam"!