A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday, he said 

“I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”
I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying;

 “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face;

 “See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?…. do you understand?!!”

I nodded politely, apologised, and went about my chores.

A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up; and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull….

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety.

The officer was clearly terrified.

I threw down my tools,

ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs; 
“Your badge, show him your BADGE!!” 

 

 

 

49 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

A cure for insomnia is on the way, reveals a spokesperson.
But it's not going to happen overnight.

Why not, are they still sleeping on it?

53 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

Did you know that when you say “poop” your mouth moves the same way your anus does when you poop?

The same is true for the phrase “explosive diarrhoea.”

Does the same apply to verbal diarrhoea?

5 hours ago, fangless said:

So how much is your unemployment benefit now?

A woman went shopping. At the cash counter, she opened her purse to pay. 
The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse.
He could not control his curiosity and asked,
"Do you always carry your TV remote with you?"

She replied " No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me shopping today because of football match, so I took the remote."

 

Moral: Accompany and support your wife in her hobbies...

 

The story continues...

The cashier laughed and then returned all the items that lady had purchased.
Shocked at this act, she asked the cashier what he was doing.

He said, "your husband has blocked your credit card..."

 

MORAL: Always respect the hobbies of your husband.

 

The Story continues...

Wife took out her husband's credit card from purse and swiped it. Unfortunately he didn't block his own card.

 

Moral: Don't underestimate the power and wisdom of your WIFE.

 

The Story continues...

After swiping, the machine indicated, 'ENTER THE PIN SENT TO YOUR MOBILE PHONE'...

Moral: When a man tends to lose, the machine is smart enough to save him!

 

The Story continues...

She smiled to herself and reached out for the mobile which rang in her purse.
It was her husband's phone showing the forwarded SMS.

She had taken it with the remote control so he doesn't call her during her shopping.
She bought her items and returned home happily.

 

Moral: Don't underestimate a desperate woman!

 

The Story continues...

On getting home, his car was gone.

A note was pasted on the door

"Couldn't find the remote. Gone out with the boys to watch the premiership match. Will be home late. Call me on my phone if you need something".

 

Damn... He left with the house key too.

*Moral: Don't try to control your husband.

1 hour ago, sanuk711 said:

Unfortunately there are witnesses still alive.

5 hours ago, tomazbodner said:

He's even more geniuser than you think. It reads '3 Holer' in Spanish in the pic on the left.

????

Even the oldies can still a laugh!

 

They could just as easily called it the "International Politician"

 

Beware of Geeks bearing gifts!

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. 
Wandering about he notices a bear heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch at his expense.   Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching beast.  Just as the bear is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious young bear! I wonder, if there are any more around here?” 
Hearing this, the young bear hallts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!, says the bear, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!” 
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the bear.
So, off he goes. The squirrel soon catches up with the bear, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the bear. The young bear is furious at being made a fool of and says. 'Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving caninel'
Now, the old Doberman sees the lion coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks. "What am I going to do now?”, but instead of running, tho dog sits down with his back to his would be attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet and just when they got close enough to hear, the old Doberman says. "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another lion!" 

 

Moral of this story-Don't mess with old dogs... 

I'm here in body but not in mind...
My mind is still in bed where my body wishes it could stay!
 

The teacher asks "Timmmy why is your cat at school today?" 
Timmy says crying "Because I heard my daddy say to the Au Pair, I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids leave.

 

So I am saving him from Dad!"
 

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Pennsylvania State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. Before he could say anything she said, "I bet you are going to try to sell me a ticket to the Pennsylvania Trooper’s Ball." 
He replied, "Pennsylvania State Troopers don't have balls." 
There was a moment of silence.

He then closed his ticket book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left.
 

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you. 

There is nothing you can do to stop me.
I will make you ache, shake, and sweat until you moan and groan. 
I will make you beg me to stop! 
When I am finished you will be weak for days.
Sincerely,

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COVID19.

Two groat white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sinking ship. 
"Follow me son," the father shark said and they swam to the mass of people. 
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tips of our fins showing" 
And they did. 
"Well done, son! now we swim around them a few times with all our fins showing" 
And they did. 
"Now we eat everybody." 
And they did. 
When they were both gorged, the son asked, 
"Dad, why didn’t we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" 
His wise father replied, 
"Because they taste better if you scare all the <deleted> out of them first!"