I shot my first Thanksgiving turkey this year.

Scared the hell out of everyone else in the grocery store mind you!

An elderly couple gets divorce

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.

"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares Now what do we tell them for Christmas?

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Thanksgiving dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"

Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky."

Thanksgiving comes around, the mom asks the boy to lead the family in saying grace. So the boy complied and starts praying, and praying, and praying. After a while the daughter leans over and quietly says to him "I had no idea you were so religious," to which the boy replies,

"I had no idea your dad was a pharmacist."

Thanksgiving will be extra special this year

Because people will be spreading diseases to each other, just like in the original.

 

I tried to post a really kinky and depraved Thanksgiving joke about stuffing turkeys...

But it was removed by the Mods because of fowl language.

 

(Sorry Crossy-not getting at you please don't ban me till I've had my dinner!)

1 hour ago, sanuk711 said:

 

13 minutes ago, Zyxel said:

Just goes to show that the bigots shouldn't have a leg to stand on!

15 minutes ago, Zyxel said:

They all look rather scary and intimidating - except, of course, the one at the left.

Scientists have grown human vocal cords in a Petri dish.
The results speak for themselves.

No matter what goes wrong,
There is always someone who knew it would.

If you thought my impression of a fish was good please drop me a line...

I was in the supermarket today when a young woman came over to me and whispered, "I'm going to wear something see-through tonight, what do you think?"
I replied, "Well I think it should be your glasses love. Your boyfriend is in the next aisle."