This cat spun around so fast his shadow ended up behind him !!

Honest , it did !!

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8.) You will not post disruptive or inflammatory messages, vulgarities, obscenities or profanities.
 

4 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Time for some family bonding !!

Bonding !! Bonding !!

Did you see what I did there ??

1. I'm not sure, do you want some of us to join you or are you just stuck for a joke?

reported post removed.

A man went into a bar and ordered a gin and tonic. When it was placed before him, he exclaimed, "My goodness, an ice cube with a hole in it, that's new." 
"No it isn't," commented a sullen looking man sitting next to him. "I married one." 

"What on earth is that?" said the woman to the waiter. 
"It's pressed tongue, Madam." 
"Good gracious! I could never eat anything that came out of an animal's mouth. Bring me a boiled egg please." 
 

A couple had a whirlwind romance and were married less than six months after they met. On their honeymoon night, she confessed to him that one of her previous lovers had been his old golfing partner. 
"Let's not bring up the past," he said, "all that matters now is that we're together." 
For the next hour, they made mad passionate love and when they finally finished he picked up the phone. 
"What are you doing?" she asked. 
"All that exercise, has made me hungry" he replied. "I'm going to order some steaks and a bottle of bubbly -- it is our wedding night after all." 
"Oh, but your ex golfing partner would have made love to me again." 
Not to be thought second best, the new husband began again and gave it all his worth for the next 45 minutes, after which he laid back on the bed totally exhausted. Again, he tried to ring room service but again she asked for more. At the end of another 30 minutes, he picked up the phone before his wife could speak, saying dejectedly. "Don't worry, it's not room service, I'm just ringing my ex golfing partner to find out what the par for this course is." 
 

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex.

The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you saidl It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the tablet"

The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."

 

"Nah,N she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway.  Hubby says the potatoes tasted funny"
 

A man goes to the doctor and complains about his wife's behaviour - "Ever since I taught her doggy style I can't stop her chasing cars"

51 minutes ago, ThaiBunny said:

"Ever since I taught her doggy style I can't stop her chasing cars"

You must be either barking mad or barking up the wrong tree.

When I see Donald Trump I get the same thought in my head as I get after a few days of chopping back the jungle of shrubs and grass in my garden.

 

Bush wasn’t that bad.

It’s really hard to define ‘virtue signalling’, as I was saying the other day to some of my Muslim friends over a fair-trade coffee in our local feminist bookshop.

My kids, despite living their whole life in England, see themselves as Scottish because of their mum. To be honest, I see them as Scottish too because they’re always arguing and economically it makes no sense to keep them.

The 7-year itch ...

 

I got married 7 years ago, and it is genuinely an exciting time in our relationship - because I’m expecting to have an affair.

A very sad day !!



Sorry to see him go !!

The girl was asked to put down her occupation on the passport application form. 
"That'll be prostitute," she replied. 
"Oh no, you can't put that," exclaimed the clerk. 
"How about brothel worker?" she suggested. 
"No, that's no good either." 
She thought for a moment and then said, "I know, put 'Poultry raiser'." 
"Pardon?" he asked. 
"Well, I did raise over 500 cocks last year." 
 

A man walks into a pub and orders three pints of beer which he drinks one by one. When he's finished, he orders another three pints and drinks them in the same way. After doing this for a whole month, the barman's curiosity gets the better of him and he asks the man why he drinks in such a fashion. 
"The other two pints are for my brothers who have emigrated to Australia. This is our way of remembering each other." 
Then one day, the man comes in and only orders two pints. 
The barman hands them to him and sadly shakes his head. 
"I suppose this means you've lost one of your brothers, I'm very sorry." 
"Oh no, not at all," replies the man, "It's me I've had to give up drinking on doctors orders." 

Two penniless alcoholics are desperately seeking some way to get more booze when one of them comes up with a great idea. "Listen, mate, with our last 20p we'll buy a sausage and I'll stick it in your flies. Trust me, it can't fail." So they do as Sid suggests and then go into a bar and order 2 doubles which they soon put away. When the barman asks for the money Sid gets down on his knees and sucks the sausage sticking out of his mate's trousers. 
"Ugh, you filthy b*ggers, get out of my bar," yells the barman, "and don't let me ever see you in here again." 
The two men successfully repeat the trick all afternoon until they are so sozzled they can't stand up. 
"Bloody hell," croaks Sid, "what a day...my knees ain't half sore from kneeling down so often." 
"That's nothing," replies his mate. "I lost the sausage after the second pub." 

A wise man in his 80s always had daily visits by various attractive women who usually ran into his flat as soon as they arrived but sauntered out blissfully hours later . A few younger guys in the neighborhood noticed this and finally decided to ask the old man what was the secret to his success. His reply was "When I could no longer cut the mustard sexually , I learned how to lick the jar".

 

In your dreams Donald , in your dreams !!