Irisk Jokes

[12call]

The Operation

Rafferty had been told to attend hospital for a minor operation, but he was afraid. So when the fateful morning arrived, he lay in bed determined not to go.

'Ring the hospital,' he said to his wife, 'and tell them I'm sick.'

'You get to hospital,' she answered. 'There's nothing wrong with you!'

So Rafferty arrived at hospital and was bathed, changed and safely tucked up in bed.

'Now,' said the nurse, 'you're to stay there and not get up. So let me know if you want a bed pan.'

'A bed pan?' roared Rafferty. 'Don't tell me we've got to do our own cooking!'

[12call]

Aer Lingus Transatlantic Flight

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One Irish woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman!

Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says.

He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and beautiful brown eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.

The Irish woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, he extends his arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:

"Iron this."

[12call]

Irish Gas Attendant

Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drives his new BMW into an Irish gas station.

An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is, "Top o' the morning to ya".

As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket. "So what are those things my, son?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replied Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquired the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.

"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaimed the Irish attendant. "Those fellas working for BMW think of everything!"

[12call]

I'm God

Father McGee walked into the church and spotted a man sitting cross-legged on the altar.

'My son,' said the holy man, 'what are you doing? Who are you?'

'I'm God,' said the stranger.

'Pardon?'

'I'm God,' he repeated. 'This is my house!'

Father McGee ran into the presbytery and, in total panic, rang the archbishop.

'Your reverence,' said he, 'I hate to trouble you, but there's a man sat on me altar who claims he's God. What'll he do?'

Take no chances,' said the archbishop. 'Get back in the church and look busy!'

[12call]

The Top Ten Signs That You're Being Stalked By A Leprechaun

Generic-looking green van parked across the street with Notre Dame bumper sticker.

Every time you turn around the pitter-pattering stops and that green fire hydrant seems to have gotten a little closer.

Green lipstick marks on the butt of your Dockers.

You're being followed by a large woman with a sultry voice and a dying career. (Oops! That's a sign you're being stalked by Chaka Khan.)

You don't recall owning an anatomically correct lawn gnome.

Card delivered with the bouquet of 4-leaf clovers reads, "I bet you're magically delicious!"

When you come home from work, the potatoes are missing from the cupboard and your parrot is singing "Danny Boy."

Prank caller has a really corny Irish accent, and Richard Gere has an airtight alibi.

Those tiny green hairs on your toilet seat.

Sultry voice from shower soap dish asks, "Is that your shillelagh, or are you just happy to see me?"

Pink hearts, yellow moons, blue diamonds scratched on your car at knee-level, and Ross Perot is nowhere to be found.

Them little green pellets in the litter box ain't M&M's, Chester.

Every day this week you've noticed the same buckle shoes dangling just above the floor in the stall next to you.

[12call]

Drunk 999 Call

Paddy walks into a bar and asks the bartender to give him a shot of tequila. The man downs the first one, slams the glass on the bar and immediately asks for another. The bartender gives him another shot. The man downs the second one and slams the glass on the bar again. He repeatedly asks for shots of tequila until the bartender refuses him to give him anymore.

Disgustedly the Paddy exits the bar cussing and yelling at the bartender making a complete fool of himself. About two minutes later Paddy comes running back in the bar in panic. He urgently asks the bartender to hand him the phone.

Paddy takes the phone and dials 999. When the operator answers the phone and he says, "Somebody has broken into my car.

They took my steering wheel, my accelerator and brake pedal, and even my dashboard."

The Operator replies that the Guards will be down in a few minutes. Paddy walks out of the bar again, then returns a couple of minutes later. He picks up the phone and dials 999 again. When the operator answers the phone he says, "I just called about a car that had been broken into. Never mind I mistakenly got in the back seat."

[Pink Mist]

Thought those jokes were risky to tell 12

[dr_Pat_Pong]

What is red and blue and covered in blood ?

Eejits that tell Oirish jokes

[12call]

Wow Doc,

2 lines !!!!!!!