Calling all farang husbands who've moved back home: What's your experience with cultural differences for your wife when you get there?

[tabarin]

If not really having anyone to help out taking care of the baby, other than both you and wife, the first 1-2 years after birth are basically gone. You lose at least 50% productivity and have to somehow accept that. Wanting to work very hard now and pay off debts ASAP is maybe not the best timing and idea.

Mine is nearly a year old now and I have not been able to get serious things done at all since he was born, the first few months were still quite easy though.
I just accepted it for what it is and hoping for a better balance next year. 

If it can be called a cultural difference, not being organised and doing things without much logic,
is the biggest factor for issues with a newborn baby + you having a busy job at odd hours / many hours.

My mother could easily do a parttime job, the household and raise me + brother and sister. My wife can't even do 25% of that comparison (or it takes ages).

Edited December 8, 2019 by tabarin

[roo860]

Deleted

Edited December 8, 2019 by roo860

[roo860]

18 minutes ago, torturedsole said:

Give me a minute as I'll come up with something.  

I paid in advance 

Pulled down her pants 

What a shock

She's got a cock

[kingdong]

9 minutes ago, tabarin said:

If not really having anyone to help out taking care of the baby, other than both you and wife, the first 1-2 years after birth are basically gone. You lose at least 50% productivity and have to somehow accept that. Wanting to work very hard now and pay off debts ASAP is maybe not the best timing and idea.

So what's his alternative?sounds like he,s busting his balls and she's sitting there scratching herself and whingeing,was in a similar situation myself in the uk so have been there done it and got the tee shirt.sounds like a lot of "advice"he's getting is other people giving it large at his expense,this mis quote from Samuel colt when he put his colt .45 on the market---- fear no man what err his size,just go on line and equalise.sums it up.

Edited December 8, 2019 by kingdong

[mike787]

On 12/6/2019 at 6:14 PM, JAFO said:

I personally think you are fighting 3 normal issues. New Family, Moving one partner to a different country and the endless cultural challenges. 

 

I can speak to the latter 2

 

My wife was very reserved at first when we moved to my home country. It took about 6 months for her to settle in. Regardless the 5 years we lived in the states we always had random cultural differences. I will say we have had far less cultural differences with us living in Thailand. It just seems to be easier. 

 

I wouldn't over analyze it. Just go with the flow and remember that having a new born is always a challenge for everybody.

 

Good Luck and be patient.

 

 

I strongly concur with Jafro, but for me I would add one twist, she is unique in that she adapts well to anywhere "we" decide to go as long as we are together and she feels more at home in Asia somewhere.  Good luck, and I would not micro manage it, just go with life....

[kingdong]

I said i,m Not a quitter and done her up the s******.

[tabarin]

7 minutes ago, kingdong said:

So what's his alternative?sounds like he,s busting his balls and she's sitting there scratching herself and whingeing,was in a similar situation myself in the uk so have been there done it and got the tee shirt.sounds like a lot of "advice"he's getting is other people giving it large at his expense,this mis quote from Samuel colt when he put his colt .45 on the market---- fear no man what err his size,just go on line and equalise.sums it up.

There is no alternative, he just have to suck it up or change his plans and pay off less fast, guess that takes off some pressure in hours.
Unless he wants to send her packing and let the parents take care of the daughter in TH (if that is even possible).

Kind of something one could expect even more when moving to a new country and then getting a baby right after, no friends, cold weather etc etc.

Edited December 8, 2019 by tabarin

[torturedsole]

It's forming:

 

... if you want Thai gash you gotta flash the cash

 

Seen the doctor and I gotta rash

 

Apparently safer up the ass  

 

Help me out!

[Kenny202]

13 minutes ago, roo860 said:

I paid in advance 

Pulled down her pants 

What a shock

She's got a cock

Seeing Id already paid

Was too <deleted> to worry about AIDs

How bad could it be

And If me mates didnt see

It wont make me a homo 

If I dont smoke her bone...o

 

 

[kingdong]

8 minutes ago, torturedsole said:

It's forming:

 

... if you want Thai gash you gotta flash the cash

 

Seen the doctor and I gotta rash

 

Apparently safer up the ass  

 

Help me out!

And if you cop a dose it,'ll soon pass

[sanemax]

11 minutes ago, torturedsole said:

It's forming:

 

... if you want Thai gash you gotta flash the cash

 

Seen the doctor and I gotta rash

 

 

"Told her I caught it from a toilet seat , bi*ch is giving me heat

Asked her  out for a bite to eat and she said dont be such a wussy

stay at home and eat my...................... Pad Thai if youre not to fussy "

[NanLaew]

On 12/7/2019 at 11:05 AM, villagefarang said:

I sometimes wonder if guys put any thought into marriage and what it entails, before they actually get married.  Too many seem to just jump in headfirst without knowing what they are jumping into.  It is a little hard to fix things after you have already hit the rocks.

I don't think the OP has quite run aground yet but that lengthy post is a whole lot of distress flares.

 

The OP mentioned looking for alternative work. Living in the UK but working on an Aussie clock would be a precise juggling act for the single bloke but for  a guy married with a sprog and living with the parents? The wheels will begin to come off faster and it may not be the wheel you think it will be. I did a three month gig in New Zealand with a contractor that based their working/reporting day on Singapore time but a client who's office clock was in Denver, CO. Of course the international standard of the industry we were working in was for 24/7 operations using GMT/UTC time stamps. Did my head in.

 

I reckon getting something with 'European' working hours would be best or if push comes to shove, the 6 - 9 hours time difference with a US client.

[torturedsole]

36 minutes ago, torturedsole said:

It's forming:

 

... if you want Thai gash you gotta flash the cash

 

Seen the doctor and I gotta rash

 

Apparently safer up the ass  

 

Help me out!

I've received some assistance from my gangster rap friends and modified slightly:

 

... if you want Thai gash you gotta flash the cash

 

Seen the doctor and I gotta rash

 

Apparently safer up the bottle and glass

[kingdong]

6 hours ago, torturedsole said:

I've received some assistance from my gangster rap friends and modified slightly:

 

... if you want Thai gash you gotta flash the cash

 

Seen the doctor and I gotta rash

 

Apparently safer up the bottle and glass

gangster rap friends?bottle and glass?sound more like Chas and dave.

[Onrai]

On 12/7/2019 at 2:47 AM, sunnyboy2018 said:

Im sorry to say that the filial piety you describe is a primitive, agrarian,  third world, sexist phenomenon.  In Thailand as in the rest of Asia it's the female who carries the burden of family honour and material support. Never the males. It is wrong and does not exist in modern societies that have justice and social equality as major goals.  East is east and West is west and never the twain shall meet. Im sorry to say the fault lines in the foundation of your relationship that were covered up in Issan are revealed on return to a modern industrial parliamentary democracy and the societal norms that underpin it. Its a very sad situation and one I have been aware of for decades. Its not just Thailand but everywhere where close extended families are the norm women bare the brunt and are negatively impacted. The myth of inter family cross generation support is actually a claustrophobic web of control and emotional dependance. I have noticed this in The Arab world and even Irish,  Italian and Portuguese families. Good luck with everything. You're a better man than I am Gunga Din.

Of course it is an outrage to want to take care of the your family that raised and nurtured you. Best to ship them off to an assisted living facility, grumble about how much it cost and visit them once a year. That is the goal of your post industrial parliamentary democracy. Live your life with no thought, or responsibility for family or elders. What a wonderful dystopia you describe- right out of Animal Farm or 1984.

 

As a side note you might want to read an in depth study from the Journal on Aging on explaining the factors involved in taking care of the aged in rural Thailand. See link below.

 

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0890406514000619 

 

 

[ubonr1971]

Your life sounds like a nightmare. Particularly the living with the mother and getting up at 1am to work. 

 

Keep telling her to be positive and it applies to you as well. Let her adapt. It will all work out in the end

[BritManToo]

20 hours ago, Kenny202 said:

If I didn't have a child I couldn't really see the point of being in a full time relationship here. 

If I didn't have a child, I couldn't really see any point in being in a full time relationship here.

[Kenny202]

3 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

If I didn't have a child, I couldn't really see any point in being in a full time relationship here.

Oh contrare! lol. Imagine the damage you could do 5555 

[Khon Kaen Jeff]

On 12/7/2019 at 8:03 AM, Kenny202 said:

When you first come here with many women throwing themselves at us and we all get the idea we are a very prized commodity here. All the women want a farang. I have come to understand though they see being with a farang as a downgrade, and they will accept the downgrade in return for all the riches and wealth they perceive they will get. 

Interesting observation that, not sure if I agree though but interesting all the same..

[Hanuman2547]

Really none that I can think of.  She had lived in the US for 10 years prior to our moving to Bangkok.  Then after living in Thailand for about 12 years, moving back to the US was no problem.  

[kingdong]

On 12/9/2019 at 1:36 AM, ubonr1971 said:

Your life sounds like a nightmare. Particularly the living with the mother and getting up at 1am to work. 

 

Keep telling her to be positive and it applies to you as well. Let her adapt. It will all work out in the end

Will it?

[bermondburi]

On 12/8/2019 at 7:28 AM, BritManToo said:

Mia/Pua is a couple living together outside official marriage.

Panraya/Samee is an Amphur office married couple.

 

No need to mix and match the words, the Thais certainly don't.

Used interchangably by Thais IME. 

 

YMMV

[madmen]

If she was from a bar then that would be playing heavily on her mind right now. Go home palm the kid off and join her mates in Pattaya where she will have a lot more money, and a far better lifestyle than she has currently assuming she is attractive. 

[jakestevernson]

On 12/7/2019 at 1:00 AM, bwpage3 said:

First of all you should have known your work hours and what you were getting into.

 

Second, should understand in her culture, the grandparents do care for the baby a lot of the time

 

Third, she doesn't have any "face" or respect because you are living with your mother.

 

Pretty sure she didn't marry a foreigner to have no money and be living with your mother.

 

Her fits are probably more internally related to the fact you don't have a house for her, or a car or anything else.

 

These women get married to better their lives. It sounds like your current situation has made her life worse?

 

She can always up and leave and never get the idea she cannot. All she has to go is get to an Embassy and she will be out of there.

 

You brought her there, you better man up and quit worrying about your sleep and job, and concentrate on keeping your family together.

 

The best think you can go is get a normal job, and have a normal life

 

It is not normal to live with your mother, bills or no bills.

 

She is probably finding out first hand, no matter what you told her all along, that you cannot provide the kind of life she was expecting, namely a house, car, money in her pocket, etc.

 

Some farangs think these women are 100% in love which is never the answer. The answer always is a sacrifice to have a better life. She was probably better off in Thailand and maybe you should have stayed there?

 

How long do you plan on staying with your mother?

 

Will you ever be able to afford a house, car, education for kid and all the luxuries that come from marrying an expat and living abroad?

 

If not in a timely manner, the chances are she will not survive that long without wanting out.

 

You are never going to force her against her will, that will make her hate you and want to leave.

 

Better give this your 100% attention, good luck.

 

 

Full of sweeping generalisations and negative comments!

 

Poker365, a new born is difficult for any parents no matter what the situation. Plus your wife has moved to a new country and is learning to adapt to a new culture. However, in saying that it sounds like your wife is being somewhat unreasonable and your mother in law very unpleasant, so I would suggest having a long calm discussion with her and weigh up the benefits and disadvantages of leaving and returning to Thailand. 

 

Ultimately you need to put your children's best interest first. Which country and situation would provide your child with the best life?

 

Good luck and let us know how you get on.

Edited January 1, 2020 by jakestevernson

[jakestevernson]

On 12/20/2019 at 12:15 AM, madmen said:

If she was from a bar then that would be playing heavily on her mind right now. Go home palm the kid off and join her mates in Pattaya where she will have a lot more money, and a far better lifestyle than she has currently assuming she is attractive. 

Good point. Poker365 did your wife formerly work in a bar?

 

No judgement, but this could make a huge difference with her expectations. 

[daveAustin]

Mine was pretty good to be fair, few of the issues you seem to be having, but then again I'd never let her get away with not pulling weight. Short of getting her to grow up and kick up the butt, sounds like your best option would be to relocate back to Muang Thai. UK life is tough enough for the natives this time of year. Being in the same space 24/7 is probably not helping either.

[AlexRRR]

In my case she had anxiety issues and chose to stay comfortable, didnt mix out side of her race and didnt realise she was in a new country and not married to a Thai, was the beginning of the end, experience tells me to keep them in there own country, men normally can fit in better where ever they land...

[bwpage3]

Florida has everything Thailand has.

 

No challenges what so ever.

[ChaiyaTH]

On 12/20/2019 at 12:15 AM, madmen said:

If she was from a bar then that would be playing heavily on her mind right now. Go home palm the kid off and join her mates in Pattaya where she will have a lot more money, and a far better lifestyle than she has currently assuming she is attractive. 

Even if she was not from it, it often starts to come to mind after having had a baby.
As well that they are aware of a very limited time frame finding another prospect long term farang again.

I think many of them are very selfish and childish depending on their age, causing them to do it even it could be regrets 5 years from now.

Could imagine many to rather have a 'poorer' Thai life than a situation as OP describes. Specially if she realises that this will be for quite a few years most likely.

My first ex got a Thai bf and pregnant short after, he ditched her, then she went to Singapore to work for money. Second trip she got pregnant by Singapore guy, now left her too. All that while she initially had me but left as of me being unwilling to give her monthly 15,000 as if it is a job. She still tries to message me today, and she is again working in the bars of Singapore. Guess she can still do that a few more years, then the problems will really start.

Before all that she was on her ways studying to become a teacher, some land and a small paid off house that is now most likely used for loans.
By now having a child myself too, I do feel sorry for her, she is not exactly looking at a bright future and neither do her 2 kids with different dads.

Edited February 17, 2020 by ChaiyaTH

[steve654]

I think the OP just got a reality check.  Most men I know marry for love, but most women and of course not all of them, but "most" Thai women marry a farang for a better life first and foremost for themselves and their family.  It can be a hard pill to swallow in the beginning.  Some eventually work out and some don't.  My advice would be to call her bluff and let her go back to Thailand if that's what she really wants, and it probably may really be what she wants.  You'll be much happier in the long run giving her freedom to chose her life without conditions.  The hard part will always be about your childs best interest  and only  you two can decide how to go about that.