How does a lawyer sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other. 

 

There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don’t worry, though - he woke up. 

 

He wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then he changed his mind. 

 

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? - Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.

 

A supercilious crook going downstairs? Oh you mean, A condescending con, descending. 

 

Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.

 

England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. 

 

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case. 

 

I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any. 

 

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off. 

 

The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran. 

 

Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen. 

 

‘I have a split personality’ said Tom, being Frank. 

 

What did one flag say to the other? Nothing, it just waved! 

How do you tell a dead lawyer in the road from a dead skunk?

There are skid marks before the skunk.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?

After you're dead the hooker stops screwing you.