Laughter, Tears, Confusion, And Hurt Feelings.

[selftaopath]

Cultural Differences: Stories of laughter, tears, confusion, and hurt feelings.

As I venture into "unknown" territory i.e. hoping to buy land (in my TGF's) name and build a house, I am learning there may be more cultural differences between the LOS and the West than I was aware of. One thing I am learning is how my understanding of "help" might differ from my Thai girlfriend, her parents, and all the people in her mooban. What have you experienced? Please share you stories of laughter, tears, confusion, and hurt feelings so other farangs and maybe Thai people too can better understand our cultural differences.

Thanks, Keoki

Edited June 3, 2007 by selftaopath

[phibunmike]

Cultural Differences: Stories of laughter, tears, confusion, and hurt feelings.

As I venture into "unknown" territory i.e. hoping to buy land (in my TGF's) name and build a house, I am learning there may be more cultural differences between the LOS and the West than I was aware of. One thing I am learning is how my understanding of "help" might differ from my Thai girlfriend, her parents, and all the people in her mooban. What have you experienced? Please share you stories of laughter, tears, confusion, and hurt feelings so other farangs and maybe Thai people too can better understand our cultural differences.

Thanks, Keoki

Confusion ? Different understandings ? In Thailand ? Surely you jest, sir.

[plachon]

When land purchases have anything to do with your relationship, my only advice is to take things very slowly, and always accept that its never going to be your piece of land. That way hurt, tears and confusion can largely be avoided.

Must admit it makes me laff, when I hear farangs saying they've bought 26 plots of land and think they're some kind of property tycoon. Accept it, land is a no-no for foreigners.

[jdinasia]

all people thusly all relationships are different

Buying upcountry? have you lived upcountry? do you know you like it there?

Life can be good in Thailand. Be sure not to invest more than you can comfortably walk away from as you will have extremely limited rights when it comes to 'your' land. If things went bad and you had a lease (usufruct or 30 year) you could garauntee your right to live there .... but would you want to? etc

[selftaopath]

Cultural Differences: Stories of laughter, tears, confusion, and hurt feelings.

As I venture into "unknown" territory i.e. hoping to buy land (in my TGF's) name and build a house, I am learning there may be more cultural differences between the LOS and the West than I was aware of. One thing I am learning is how my understanding of "help" might differ from my Thai girlfriend, her parents, and all the people in her mooban. What have you experienced? Please share you stories of laughter, tears, confusion, and hurt feelings so other farangs and maybe Thai people too can better understand our cultural differences.

Thanks, Keoki

Confusion ? Different understandings ? In Thailand ? Surely you jest, sir.

Hi all.

We were “up country” recently and I soon figured out that my TGF’s parents’ – not sure how else I might refer to them – motorbike was needing repair. Seemed like not a big job as the shifter was not engaging. It seemed like it was stripped or needing a bolt to clamp it onto the spleen.

- Well I first asked if my ???? in-laws had any tools – ya see I have “wrenched” my own bikes in USA. Answer: no tools.

- Then I asked if they had taken it to a shop? Ans: YES five times.

- Of course my next question was a/b the shop standing behind their work i.e. guarantee. Ans. It worked when we left the shop….. but break again soon.

Well I was starting to get the picture, and did not have the time to check it out myself. I suggested a joint venture in purchasing another bike. That way I could ride and contribute to the family having transportation. Of course I was the only person to have any “cash” but it worked out. Well the shop only had one key for the bike – still can not figure that one out; and we could not find a place to have another key made.

Well we took the bike home, parked it and – ya know- kinda checking it out from afar.

Pa pa wanted to take it for a “spin” (he didn’t go to buy it). Ok cool I thought; hope he likes the new ride b/c I didn’t know what the “family” would do w/out any transportation.

Well now here’s the surprise: In practically no-time seems like the bike was gone (Pa pa) had his ride, but now it seemed like everyone old enough to ride it – did. The bike certainly was not available when I thought a/b getting in some riding time before returning to BKK.

Of course being brought up in “the West” I’m thinking ownership or partnership (of the bike). I was not “mentally prepared” for this to be community property. So this “saga” of course led to my TGF and myself sharing thoughts a/b cultural differences and much more – stay tuned.

We’re going back up country later this week, and I’m getting another key made.

Keoki,

[ronthompson]

I have lived in Thailand for the past 19 months and make NO claims at being an expert on Thailand and/or the Thai. I arrived here after retirement in the States and do truely enjoy my life here, the country has been very good to me. Perhaps because I am a little older, not wiser just older, I look at life a little different.

I married a 38 y/o Thai Issan lady and yes I have heard all the stories about how they only want your money, what the hel_l i was married 3 times in the states, they were all only after my money and after a California divorce I thinkthey got most of it. I am happy, very happy with my Thai wife and i belive she is happy.

I live in BKK about 75% of the time with many trips to our home in the Huairat area. I have purchased land or rather my wife has and I know I will never make any money with rice, its just fun to call my self a poor rice Thai farmer. Besides my wife has seven sisters with 3 in the village and a 15 y/o son so the rice property gives them a job and they do not ask for money.

my step son receives 1000 bht for his school "stuff" as long as he goes to school and a salary of 1000 bht a month to keep the grass short and to water my many trees. I give one of my sister in laws 1500 for family food. My mother in law is really a nice lady and I truely enjoy her I give her 1500 bht a month and she is very happy. Really not that much and very little when I consider a bottle of wine can easily be over a 1000 bht.

MY JOYS: I recently completed a fishing lake in the village and I find my self to be very happy catching fish, listening to audio books and watching war movies and yes I go to bed every night with a beautiful young wife. Is there anything in the world I am missing?? I do not think so. If I would die today I would miss tomorrow but I would be happy.

MY Tears: I have none I know "Today is Yesterdays Tomorrow".

Confusion: Why do I run across so few Americans in Thailand?

LIFE IS GOOD

[Luckydog]

I have lived in Thailand for the past 19 months and make NO claims at being an expert on Thailand and/or the Thai. I arrived here after retirement in the States and do truely enjoy my life here, the country has been very good to me. Perhaps because I am a little older, not wiser just older, I look at life a little different.

I married a 38 y/o Thai Issan lady and yes I have heard all the stories about how they only want your money, what the hel_l i was married 3 times in the states, they were all only after my money and after a California divorce I thinkthey got most of it. I am happy, very happy with my Thai wife and i belive she is happy.

I live in BKK about 75% of the time with many trips to our home in the Huairat area. I have purchased land or rather my wife has and I know I will never make any money with rice, its just fun to call my self a poor rice Thai farmer. Besides my wife has seven sisters with 3 in the village and a 15 y/o son so the rice property gives them a job and they do not ask for money.

my step son receives 1000 bht for his school "stuff" as long as he goes to school and a salary of 1000 bht a month to keep the grass short and to water my many trees. I give one of my sister in laws 1500 for family food. My mother in law is really a nice lady and I truely enjoy her I give her 1500 bht a month and she is very happy. Really not that much and very little when I consider a bottle of wine can easily be over a 1000 bht.

MY JOYS: I recently completed a fishing lake in the village and I find my self to be very happy catching fish, listening to audio books and watching war movies and yes I go to bed every night with a beautiful young wife. Is there anything in the world I am missing?? I do not think so. If I would die today I would miss tomorrow but I would be happy.

MY Tears: I have none I know "Today is Yesterdays Tomorrow".

Confusion: Why do I run across so few Americans in Thailand?

LIFE IS GOOD

Nice to see someone is happy with the Thai way of screwing Farangs.

Good luck to you Pal. But don't get too confident and let your guard down.....

[blue eyes]

I do not get where ronthompson is getting screwed.He is laying out less then 200US a month for his family.He has bettered their lives by giveing them a rice farm to work to make money for them selves.In the proccess of all of this he has bettered his own life for less then $200 US a month.

Ronthaompson enjoy your life as you see fit.It looks like you are.But the part that luckydog said...

But don't get too confident and let your guard down..... is good advice.

[ronthompson]

I do not get where ronthompson is getting screwed.He is laying out less then 200US a month for his family.He has bettered their lives by giveing them a rice farm to work to make money for them selves.In the proccess of all of this he has bettered his own life for less then $200 US a month.

Ronthaompson enjoy your life as you see fit.It looks like you are.But the part that luckydog said...

But don't get too confident and let your guard down..... is good advice.

if u want to get screwed try a California divorce, she got the house and 6000K US a month.

[jackmuu]

Quote from the movie "Heat".

"Don't let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner."

[Lickey]

Selftaopath, not sure if youve done the right thing by buying a bike to share, and unknowingly letting the village kids ride it, they have to be 15 with a licence, if there is anything left of the bike when you return i would be suprised.

If you are a bike mechanic, why didnt you go out of your way to fix dads bike, buying a new bike has left you open to allsorts of things, Oh mr falang, my tv no good, my tractor stop, cant afford kids school ect, Just be careful or the whole village will be on your doorstep, Goodluck..

[citizen33]

I'm not an expert either, but it seemed to me that the thread captures well the two sides of being a farang in rural Isaan. On the one hand we can have a good life and make a big difference to the lives of those around us, and at a lowish cost. But on the other hand one quickly realises that when a local girl meets a farang it sets up a framework of expectation among family members and perhaps the woman herself. Like it or not, minds turn quickly to matters like building a house, regularly monthly payments to support mother-in-law etc., and one off 'crisis' expenses. We all know the stereotype of the 'bought wife' but are sure that it doesn't apply to us. And for the lucky ones it doesn't, certainly not in the extreme form of the horror stories on ex-pat forums. However, something that has really made me think is the behaviour of the wives of the two other farangs in my home village. Both these guys need to work away for part of the year, and I have evidence from multiple sources that both women have had younger Thai boyfriends. Indeed this is a source of mirth in the village. Fortunately my own wife lives in the West with me while we are away, but one cannot help thinking: '..there but for the grace of God'. I accept that most of the regular posters here are not in the situation that I describe, but problems seem to me to be more common than we like to admit. The poster who said 'go slowly' where land and money are concerned was spot on.

[Gary A]

My best advice would be to lay down the ground rules BEFORE you make a move. My wife had a house in Loei province before I married her. I told her that it is her house and it is up to her who lives there, HOWEVER, if I live there it will be just her and I. If she chooses to allow a family member to move in I will be headed back to the farang ghetto with or without her. Secondly, our things are our things and NOT community property. I enjoy my privacy and DON'T expect or want to have visitors in the house every day. She is free to go visit her family whenever she wants. I'm a crotchety old fart and that's the way I will remain.

The ground rules are established and the past three years here up country have been the happiest of my life. I am VERY content. I have spent quite a bit of money westernizing her house to suit me and I have also bought farm property for her. I still stick to the golden rule to NOT spend more than I can comfortably walk away from.

EDIT - After reading the above post I have decided to add to mine. I give my wife 20,000 baht a month for all the household bills. I pay the big ticket things like insurance premiums. She pays everything else. She normally has about 5,000 baht per month left over and she can do with that 5,000 baht whatever she wants.

Guys who are in their late fifties or sixties who marry a young Thai lady are in my opinion dreaming and asking for trouble. I am 62 and my wife is 39. An old guy marrying a lady under 30 is in my opinion taking a big chance especially if he is required to travel.

Edited June 6, 2007 by Gary A

[blue eyes]

My wife is 10 years younger then I but I feel like the younger one.She is in charge!

Oh and ronthompson I think you may have meant 6k not 6000k,which would be 6,000,000 a month.WOW you must HAVE been a very rich man.

Edited June 6, 2007 by blue eyes

[frikkiedeboer]

My wife is 10 years younger then I but I feel like the younger one.She is in charge!

yes, it is easy to see by your posts that SHE is in charge! for your own sake,be careful, you are playing a very dangerous game.

if you lose control of a relationship with a thai woman you are lost. ask any thai male (or female)

frikkie

[ronthompson]

My wife is 10 years younger then I but I feel like the younger one.She is in charge!

Oh and ronthompson I think you may have meant 6k not 6000k,which would be 6,000,000 a month.WOW you must HAVE been a very rich man.

I did get it wrong it was $6000.00 a month, and the judge said not working is NO excuse in not paying alimony

[LostInBKK]

I too am living in Issan and found that I must leave quickly... not sure why I feel this way but I feel like my wife and I argue about too many household things in a house that is not ours (we live with her parents and sister with a baby; none of the adults work) ...time to move and see if this ship will float on it's own. Other reasons for moving are that it's WAY too frickin' hard to find a good ol' hamburger here....the biggest f/f chain here is KFC in Tessco....followed closely by Swensons....I think that about does it for large chains here...oh yeah, must not forget 7/11.

Edited June 9, 2007 by LostInBKK

[selftaopath]

all people thusly all relationships are different

Buying upcountry? have you lived upcountry? do you know you like it there?

Life can be good in Thailand. Be sure not to invest more than you can comfortably walk away from as you will have extremely limited rights when it comes to 'your' land. If things went bad and you had a lease (usufruct or 30 year) you could garauntee your right to live there .... but would you want to? etc

Hi Idinasia, good question. I have spent several days in Nong Sung on several occassions, but have not lived there yet. I did live in Puna District of the Big Island of Hawaii for almost 9 years however. And I think it would be hard to find a more rural place. Both of the "big cities" on BI put together are smaller than Khaeng Khor.

My intention and reasoning was - as suggested - was not to invest more than I can afford to "loose." Kinda reminds me of years past e.g. stocks, but I was much more naive then :-)

If my TGF and I did part I believe I would certainly want to live in Isaan. And I understand my "rights" LOL or lack of rights in LOS. I was just there and rode bike and was in "bliss" rode and road w/out many cars- only warm air, and beautiful views of nature and smiling Thai people.

Thanks for your input. I'm now hoping to find more info a/b building in Isaan. I am enjoying the process. And the quiet of Isaan.

Keoki

[blue eyes]

I too am living in Issan and found that I must leave quickly... not sure why I feel this way but I feel like my wife and I argue about too many household things in a house that is not ours (we live with her parents and sister with a baby; none of the adults work) ...time to move and see if this ship will float on it's own. Other reasons for moving are that it's WAY too frickin' hard to find a good ol' hamburger here....the biggest f/f chain here is KFC in Tessco....followed closely by Swensons....I think that about does it for large chains here...oh yeah, must not forget 7/11.

Your avatar says it all.Maybe you are just not cut out for Thailand.

[jdinasia]

all people thusly all relationships are different

Buying upcountry? have you lived upcountry? do you know you like it there?

Life can be good in Thailand. Be sure not to invest more than you can comfortably walk away from as you will have extremely limited rights when it comes to 'your' land. If things went bad and you had a lease (usufruct or 30 year) you could garauntee your right to live there .... but would you want to? etc

Hi Idinasia, good question. I have spent several days in Nong Sung on several occassions, but have not lived there yet. I did live in Puna District of the Big Island of Hawaii for almost 9 years however. And I think it would be hard to find a more rural place. Both of the "big cities" on BI put together are smaller than Khaeng Khor.

My intention and reasoning was - as suggested - was not to invest more than I can afford to "loose." Kinda reminds me of years past e.g. stocks, but I was much more naive then :-)

If my TGF and I did part I believe I would certainly want to live in Isaan. And I understand my "rights" LOL or lack of rights in LOS. I was just there and rode bike and was in "bliss" rode and road w/out many cars- only warm air, and beautiful views of nature and smiling Thai people.

Thanks for your input. I'm now hoping to find more info a/b building in Isaan. I am enjoying the process. And the quiet of Isaan.

Keoki

trust me Thailand is NOT Hawaii, particularly isaan.

rents are CHEAP for a good size house and land ...

your answers kind of make it obvious that you have already decided ... if that is so then why ask?

[kc_phil]

so what does a farang do all day while living in Issan?

I am all for dropping everything and heading up there but i am dreadfully afraid of being bored out of my skull.

[Erwin1011]

if u want to get screwed try a California divorce, she got the house and 6000K US a month.

Don't need to go to California for that nowadays. Seems to be the basic rule almost everywhere in the "developed" countries. Maybe that why we call them "Developed" (as in PC ?)

[lannarebirth]

Of course being brought up in "the West" I'm thinking ownership or partnership (of the bike). I was not "mentally prepared" for this to be community property. So this "saga" of course led to my TGF and myself sharing thoughts a/b cultural differences and much more – stay tuned.

We're going back up country later this week, and I'm getting another key made.

Keoki,

You will understand everything, when you understand that nothing you buy will belong to you. sometimes people will show their gratitude and sometimes they will not. Keep your expectations very very low and you'll be disappointed less often.

[plachon]

I too am living in Issan and found that I must leave quickly... not sure why I feel this way but I feel like my wife and I argue about too many household things in a house that is not ours (we live with her parents and sister with a baby; none of the adults work) ...time to move and see if this ship will float on it's own. Other reasons for moving are that it's WAY too frickin' hard to find a good ol' hamburger here....the biggest f/f chain here is KFC in Tessco....followed closely by Swensons....I think that about does it for large chains here...oh yeah, must not forget 7/11.

[khon kaen boy]

What does a felang do all day in isaan ? depends on your location first...if you are out in the sticks then transport of some form is essential and internet access is also required.

It all depends on the individual too, myself I love fishing and go all around Khon Kaen trying out new lakes or if all else fails just cast out on the lake at the front of my house, also lucky enough to have the army golf course only 2km from me.

As I am only about 6km from city centre there is plenty of felang bars to visit, ten pin bowling also.

Also just jump in the car somedays and have a day at Ubol Rattana dam which is pleasant.

Do try and find a hobby as being bored can mean reaching for the bottle.

[wolfmanjack]

My wife is 10 years younger then I but I feel like the younger one.She is in charge!

Oh and ronthompson I think you may have meant 6k not 6000k,which would be 6,000,000 a month.WOW you must HAVE been a very rich man.

I did get it wrong it was $6000.00 a month, and the judge said not working is NO excuse in not paying alimony

Should have filed for divorce first in another state. There is no alimony in my state. Doesn't stop them from giving the exwife the house though.

[selftaopath]

Selftaopath, not sure if youve done the right thing by buying a bike to share, and unknowingly letting the village kids ride it, they have to be 15 with a licence, if there is anything left of the bike when you return i would be suprised.

If you are a bike mechanic, why didnt you go out of your way to fix dads bike, buying a new bike has left you open to allsorts of things, Oh mr falang, my tv no good, my tractor stop, cant afford kids school ect, Just be careful or the whole village will be on your doorstep, Goodluck..

Hi Lickey, ah that weekend was not the norm. We were there celebrating the "house warming" and there were a/b 100 people coming and going the entire time. And the bike seemed to certainly be community property. Re: age limit and license - I don't think the age limit for driving are understood in Nong Sung. I seems like if you are old enough to ride it.... Also don't think the concept of having a valid license applies either :-)

The time constraints did not allow much time to wrench on the bike and the only tool I could find was a hammer. Of course that would have really "fixed" it.

My buying or paying for the majority of the "new" bike was my way of showing a willingness to contribute more and not just use other people's belongings.

I have "heeded" the advice of another fellow farang i.e. setting boundaries that my TGF and I "both" understand. LOL

Now the most recent confusion is why are there no screens on windows or doors? I suspect one answer might be economics however.

Thanks, Keoki

[plachon]

I too am living in Issan and found that I must leave quickly... not sure why I feel this way but I feel like my wife and I argue about too many household things in a house that is not ours (we live with her parents and sister with a baby; none of the adults work) ...time to move and see if this ship will float on it's own. Other reasons for moving are that it's WAY too frickin' hard to find a good ol' hamburger here....the biggest f/f chain here is KFC in Tessco....followed closely by Swensons....I think that about does it for large chains here...oh yeah, must not forget 7/11.

Meant to say that the very lack of Kentucky Fried Cack and other f/f dives, is the reason I like Isaan so much, and it pains me to see those places opening up in every province. You've got some of the best food in the world right here in Isaan, and you want to eat f/f <deleted> every day???

If you want a decent hamburger, make it yourself dude.........

[Martin]

In post #21, 'kc phil' asked:

"so what does a farang do all day while living in Issan?

I am all for dropping everything and heading up there but i am dreadfully afraid of being bored out of my skull. "

Back in 1997, when I first came here, those were my thoughts, too.

At the time, I was expecting to be working away for some periods for the next three or four years, and then to be retiring completely.

I foresaw retirement in Isaan as being quite different from spending 'long leaves' there.

In the event, satellite television and the Internet came along in the interim and have sufficed (for me) to eliminate those thoughts of 'being out of touch', with consequent boredom.

However, different people have different interests, and there is a great variety in the ways that different farangs keep themselves physically and mentally active in the cities, towns and villags of Isaan. There are a number of old threads in the archives of this forum that mention many of these. One was "What do you guys do up North?".

[billd766]

I ahve been working/visiting/living in Thailand since 1993 which is when I met my girlfriend who is 21 years younger than me. I went away for a year, came back and worked/lived here for 4 years and seperated from my UK wife. I used to come back to see her 2 or 3 times a year and she came to visit me. In 1999 I got divorced (my wife got the house and £1,750 a month alimony) and I married my girlfriend in 2000. Came back to worl/live here again in 2001 and I have lived here ever since.

She went up country to build her house and land in 2003 and her family live in Bang Na Bangkok.

Our son was born in 2004 when she was 39 and I was 60 and I love them both very much.

Ran out of work in 2004 and lived off my pensions, got 7 months work in 2005 in Pakistan and 2 months work in Bangladesh in 2006. I came back from there to Bangkok with a heart problem and my wife and son came down bringing bank books and all of her gold in case we needed it which we didn't.

This year I hit bottom and we were surviving and last week I got a job offer of 4 to 6 months in Papua New Guinea and I fly this afternoon. Last week before the job offer she was going to pawn/sell some of her gold but that is not necessary now.

We give her parents (Dad is 70 and her mum is 62) 6,000 baht a month and we have done since 2001 and she has given before as well.

When I am at home I use GPRS/EDGE for internet access and spend a couple of hours a day on that, I take my son to school and pick him up, I try to spend an hour a day learning to speak Thai and hopefully to read and write it as well.

I went on a diet in February and I have lost 19kg. 2 weeks age I lost 4kg in 3 days but gastro-enteritis is not a reccommended diet and I have put that back on.

My life in the central region 65km southwest of Khampaeng Phet is really good and I wouldn't swap it for 50 condos in BKK or Pattaya. We live in a valley on 13 rai at the edge of Mae Wong national park.

My Thoughts on life in Thailand after 14 years

In the villages you can always find enough to do if you want to.

Not all Thai girls are after your money the same as in the West.

There is good and bad everywhere and if you look hard enough you will find what you want.

I know, I did.

:D