Cost after death

[moogradod]

A family member of my wife has died. The family (located in a rural area near Si Khio) is poor and need financial assistance.

 

Does anybody know from personal experience (own familiy or close friend) what would be appropriate in this case ? Temple, Burial, Administration etc. and whatever, I do not have any experience.

 

Thank you for your help in these difficult times.

Edited September 16, 2022 by moogradod

[Crossy]

Do discuss with your lady. I'd go in low-ball at 5k, when you get the evil-eye you can always go up (go in too high and you can never, ever, offer less in future).

 

Was there any "village insurance" in place? Many people pay a fixed (tiny) amount each month to ensure at least a decent send off.

 

It really depends upon how close the family member was. No need for multiple days of monking etc. but certainly a bit of face-saving for the family wouldn't go astray.

 

We only paid in 10k for the MiL funeral but there's a massive family so a significant profit was made even when the average was nearer 2k, most of which went to the temple anyway.

 

[473geo]

Poor relative died recently, was a quick and cheap funeral, no food at house, straight to cremation for most people, close relatives were asked if they could contribute 1000 baht 

 

Slightly unusual circumstances but I won't derail your thread 

 

[Mac Mickmanus]

About 5000 Baht , which pays for  about six monks , the fire wood and a few other things .

[EVENKEEL]

Depends on wallet size. Some say 5K here, I'd say give 50K. Food and drink alone will set you back. Yeah, I'd say 50K.

[kokesaat]

Just had a woman die near our home.....3 days of mourning at the home with monks each day (you pay a small amount for each monk each time), food and drink, and temple fees. You can probably do a lot cheaper than 50k, but 50k would not be extravagant.  

[Mac Mickmanus]

15 minutes ago, EVENKEEL said:

Depends on wallet size. Some say 5K here, I'd say give 50K. Food and drink alone will set you back. Yeah, I'd say 50K.

Could you give a break down of that 50 000 ?

[Yorkshire Tea]

I thought all the mourners at the funeral "party" chip in with donations, same as at weddings.  Me & the wife made a profit at our wedding party.

[kwonitoy]

I kicked in 10K baht when my nephews daughter died.

That covered renting some tents from the village tambon, food, casket service, DJ loud speaker system.

The usual funeral stuff.

This wasn't the total cost at all, There was also the village fund that got donated, and private donations at the funeral but they needed money up front to get things going.

[Sparktrader]

Offer whatever you like. Your money. 

[AndyAndyAndy]

Isaan funeral will be around 50,000 Baht, maybe little more.

 

When somebody close in family died (wife's mother, wife's brother) I gave 10,000 Baht.

[JeffersLos]

Give the poor peasants one good night of food and drink fur fek sake.

 

You won't miss it, and give them a break from their home-prepared dusty stony rice with boiled entrails after a 14 hour day of slogging for 200 baht. 

Edited September 16, 2022 by JeffersLos

[Adumbration]

How close was this family member?  Surely that is the most relevant question up front.  When my ex GFs mum died she asked me to borrow 20k which she paid back to me.  The village fund plus the 20K covered all the expenses for a modest funeral down south.

[EVENKEEL]

12 hours ago, Mac Mickmanus said:

Could you give a break down of that 50 000 ?

Really? It's simple, if 50K is out of reach for you then give less. 

[moogradod]

14 hours ago, Crossy said:

..............................

Was there any "village insurance" in place? Many people pay a fixed (tiny) amount each month to ensure at least a decent send off.

 

It really depends upon how close the family member was. No need for multiple days of monking etc. but certainly a bit of face-saving for the family wouldn't go astray.

................................

 

 

No village insurance as far as my wife and I know. The family member was close. The father of my wife. We dont mind any prolonged period of "monking" (interesting term, did not hear that before) as we both are Buddhists (She is Theravadin and I draw my inspiration from the Tibetan tradition). We will drive there tomorrow in an emergency move and hope to get "through" Bangkok without getting washed away by any flood.

 

The face-saving bit does play a role. I noticed that especially in smaller Moobaans it is important, although I would not care about that - for the family this is more important. Mind setting of the group.

Edited September 17, 2022 by moogradod

[moogradod]

13 hours ago, kokesaat said:

Just had a woman die near our home.....3 days of mourning at the home with monks each day (you pay a small amount for each monk each time), food and drink, and temple fees. You can probably do a lot cheaper than 50k, but 50k would not be extravagant.  

I am well prepared for even beyond that. This includes a rest of a hospital bill (although he was "insured" via 30Baht scheme.

[moogradod]

9 hours ago, Sparktrader said:

Offer whatever you like. Your money. 

It should help, though - therefore not entirely up to me but I am no cheap charlie and my wallet size is not the smallest either.

[moogradod]

8 hours ago, JeffersLos said:

Give the poor peasants one good night of food and drink fur fek sake.

 

You won't miss it, and give them a break from their home-prepared dusty stony rice with boiled entrails after a 14 hour day of slogging for 200 baht. 

We will do that anyway, in the past parties with a majority of the poor (and rich) peasants were frequently conducted. Not uncommon, the ordination of an uncles sons amounted to a really large party including Luk Thung dancers on a big stage (at a monks ordination !) with hundreds of invitees.

[moogradod]

14 hours ago, EVENKEEL said:

Depends on wallet size. Some say 5K here, I'd say give 50K. Food and drink alone will set you back. Yeah, I'd say 50K.

Really a large span. But I am prepared to budget more than 50K. I did not see your post at a first glance because for some reason I do not remember I had you on ignore which I have corrected now again.

[Crossy]

29 minutes ago, moogradod said:

The family member was close. The father of my wife.

 

Father in Law = Pay as much as you feel comfortable with!

[473geo]

Father of wife is close family not a poor relation, I would expect you will support your wife in whatever your wife and her family decide, within reason of course, they will follow routine and family history to a large extent at least from this thread you have an idea of where things are going 

[retiree]

TL;DR:  her father's death is a singular event; it's about your wife, not you; do the right thing.

 

Ms. Retiree's father died recently.  Poor farmer deep in Isaan, just a bit of land and just a regular guy, but respected in the community where he'd lived for 80+ years and had 7 surviving children. 

 

His body was kept at home for four days of mourning, and about 1,000 people showed up.  From where?  Well, about 100 homes in his village, some 500 houses next village over, and in that range for other nearby villages.   Not to mention many, many relatives scattered around the country who dropped everything and drove home when it was clear that his last trip to the hospital would be it.   

 

Aside from food & drink for the daily guests (the biggest total expense), the feeding and taking care of people who came to stay for the week, kicking in for gas money, buying kids new clothes if they need them, etc. cost a lot.  Add to that the cost of the temple and monks (just across the field from the house -- for the four days at home, nine monks trudged across the field three times day, and you aren't paying for their time; rather, you're contributing to making sure that the wat will be in operation when somebody needs it), a hospital bill or two, some government fees, unsettled bills at the house and so on.   According to Ms. Retiree, it would have been far, far cheaper if he had lived in Bangkok, and the service had been held at a temple here. 

 

We contributed 100K, partly because other brothers and sisters had helped her Dad much more over the years, and partly because her mother died years ago and this really marked the end of an era.  All in all it ran 200 - 300K (the rest made up by a brother who has a small business, and by a small insurance policy).   In contrast, an older brother died a while back and we sent 5 or 10K -- it was a different kind of event entirely.   And one of the nieces got married at the house recently; people chipped in about 1K each which was plenty.  

 

Foreigners tend to look at these things like commodities:  Such and such only costs X in Bangkok, why should it cost more out in the middle of nowhere?  Well, it does.  They only put on a big show to save face.  No, that has nothing to do with it, and there was nothing show-like about it.  There's no running water in the house, why waste money on a funeral?   Well, events like these support the temple, and sustain and bind the community.  They help ensure that everybody has a place to come home to in hard times, or to send their kids to be brought up in, when they go off to the city to try to find cash money jobs.   And this last may be the biggest misunderstanding:  hard cash can be tough to come by in the countryside, especially in a hurry.  

 

Indeed, imho it is usually the foreigner who is the one concerned about losing face, and in a laughably misplaced way:  he is worried that it will appear that he can be taken advantage of! (not the OP, btw), even if it's not a substantial expense for him in the big scheme of things.  My advice just to remember that this is about your wife, not you, and you want to be in her corner, helping her pull her weight in the family as she  sees it, at one of the most stressful times in her life.   

 

-- Retiree 

[The Fugitive]

1 hour ago, retiree said:

TL;DR:  her father's death is a singular event; it's about your wife, not you; do the right thing.

 

Ms. Retiree's father died recently.  Poor farmer deep in Isaan, just a bit of land and just a regular guy, but respected in the community where he'd lived for 80+ years and had 7 surviving children. 

 

His body was kept at home for four days of mourning, and about 1,000 people showed up.  From where?  Well, about 100 homes in his village, some 500 houses next village over, and in that range for other nearby villages.   Not to mention many, many relatives scattered around the country who dropped everything and drove home when it was clear that his last trip to the hospital would be it.   

 

Aside from food & drink for the daily guests (the biggest total expense), the feeding and taking care of people who came to stay for the week, kicking in for gas money, buying kids new clothes if they need them, etc. cost a lot.  Add to that the cost of the temple and monks (just across the field from the house -- for the four days at home, nine monks trudged across the field three times day, and you aren't paying for their time; rather, you're contributing to making sure that the wat will be in operation when somebody needs it), a hospital bill or two, some government fees, unsettled bills at the house and so on.   According to Ms. Retiree, it would have been far, far cheaper if he had lived in Bangkok, and the service had been held at a temple here. 

 

We contributed 100K, partly because other brothers and sisters had helped her Dad much more over the years, and partly because her mother died years ago and this really marked the end of an era.  All in all it ran 200 - 300K (the rest made up by a brother who has a small business, and by a small insurance policy).   In contrast, an older brother died a while back and we sent 5 or 10K -- it was a different kind of event entirely.   And one of the nieces got married at the house recently; people chipped in about 1K each which was plenty.  

 

Foreigners tend to look at these things like commodities:  Such and such only costs X in Bangkok, why should it cost more out in the middle of nowhere?  Well, it does.  They only put on a big show to save face.  No, that has nothing to do with it, and there was nothing show-like about it.  There's no running water in the house, why waste money on a funeral?   Well, events like these support the temple, and sustain and bind the community.  They help ensure that everybody has a place to come home to in hard times, or to send their kids to be brought up in, when they go off to the city to try to find cash money jobs.   And this last may be the biggest misunderstanding:  hard cash can be tough to come by in the countryside, especially in a hurry.  

 

Indeed, imho it is usually the foreigner who is the one concerned about losing face, and in a laughably misplaced way:  he is worried that it will appear that he can be taken advantage of! (not the OP, btw), even if it's not a substantial expense for him in the big scheme of things.  My advice just to remember that this is about your wife, not you, and you want to be in her corner, helping her pull her weight in the family as she  sees it, at one of the most stressful times in her life.   

 

-- Retiree 

Totally agree. In July my brother-in-law died and in August my mother-in-law. My Mrs asked me for 100,000 and 50,000 baht respectively. I was happy to do the right thing.

[Mac Mickmanus]

9 hours ago, EVENKEEL said:

Really? It's simple, if 50K is out of reach for you then give less. 

I was asking for a break down of the costs , telling me to pay less isn't answering my question 

[hotandsticky]

10 minutes ago, Mac Mickmanus said:

I was asking for a break down of the costs , telling me to pay less isn't answering my question 

Ask the bookkeeper/organiser, their records are usually immaculate.

 

GF’s mother 200k, GF’s father 150k, GF’s 2 year old son 80k. A profit was made on both parents after insurance and pink envelopes, I made up the 30k shortfall on the lad.

 

The number of days laying in rest is one of the biggest factors - with any given number of monks coming 3 times a day. 
 

To the OP. -  It is not your responsibility to calculate the cost - get the family to tell YOU what the costs will be. Comments on here will act as a benchmark for whether you are being ripped off or not. 

Edited September 17, 2022 by hotandsticky

[FritsSikkink]

23 hours ago, retiree said:

We contributed 100K, partly because other brothers and sisters had helped her Dad much more over the years, and partly because her mother died years ago and this really marked the end of an era.  All in all it ran 200 - 300K (the rest made up by a brother who has a small business, and by a small insurance policy).   I

Good post but what happened with the money the 1000 visitors brought?

[Iamfalang]

On 9/16/2022 at 5:28 PM, EVENKEEL said:

I'd say give 50K.

Why not simply give everything you have.   Why become burdened by such materialistic goods, such as money.  You can rebuild, but a soul cannot.

 

I did that the other day......................emptied the bank account, sold everything.

 

I hope they put the 9.25 baht to good use.

[MJCM]

On 9/16/2022 at 5:55 PM, Yorkshire Tea said:

I thought all the mourners at the funeral "party" chip in with donations, same as at weddings.

SIL recently died, the family had a guy recording all the donations (which seems to be normal) and you would not believe how many people just donated 20 THB and then stuffed their faces full of food and walked off with a couple of Bottles of Fizzy Drinks.

 

Fortunately SIL was absolutely against Beer

/ Lao so only Fizzy Drinks were served at the funeral.

 

If they Serve Beer / Lao Khao at a Funeral/Wedding then 50K THB is not a lot

Edited September 18, 2022 by MJCM

[EVENKEEL]

26 minutes ago, Iamfalang said:

Why not simply give everything you have.   Why become burdened by such materialistic goods, such as money.  You can rebuild, but a soul cannot.

 

I did that the other day......................emptied the bank account, sold everything.

 

I hope they put the 9.25 baht to good use.

Why would I give everything I have. They wouldn't do it for me. Everyone has a different wallet size. As stated above it can easily cost 100-200K depending. 

 

If you have a Thai wife or G/F this is one of the expenses you're expected to help with.

[1FinickyOne]

On 9/16/2022 at 3:33 PM, moogradod said:

Does anybody know from personal experience (own familiy or close friend) what would be appropriate in this case ? Temple, Burial, Administration etc. and whatever, I do not have any experience.

The family and community will know what to do... it is not something I would get involved in.