I had an (unplanned) child with my Thai partner four years ago. I tried to make it work but I'm miserable. Looking for advice.

[thaibeachlovers]

10 minutes ago, transam said:

Sooooooooooooooo funny..........Common hobbies, You're single then....????

 

 

Common hobbies, 55555555555.

My wife's only hobby was eating.

[thaibeachlovers]

On 3/12/2023 at 12:28 AM, Yellowtail said:

This is probably a wind-up, but on the off-chance it's not, my advice is to quit feeling sorry for yourself, man-up and take care of your wife and child.  

 

Or do like a lot of guys here are recommending and just flush their lives down the toilet. 

 

 

 

At least take care of the child. A kid needs a father that cares about them.

[thaibeachlovers]

On 3/11/2023 at 8:57 PM, transam said:

That reads like a normal marriage to me, and I have had a few........ 

I saw the light after my second, and I didn't keep making that mistake! You know what they say about doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result......................................

[CrunchWrapSupreme]

4 hours ago, robblok said:

What you describe as a conversation is the most basic and normal form. But if you have GF that has real limited English a conversation like that will be dead in the water too. But the topics you mentioned are of course the majority of conversation. 

Ah hah. You've touched upon an important point here.

 

Given her vocabulary, I've at times been amazed with what my wife's been able to put together. I can tell she's got a lot more in there upstairs than she lets on, and only her limited grasp of the language is getting in the way. I think the same goes for most Thais.

 

I can tell she's especially passionate about her country's adversities, that she'd just love to get out with a high level, academic speech in English about it, but can't. The inequality, the corruption, the lack of opportunity, the education system. She makes do with what she has, quite the Thai way, resulting in a lot of "they no have, no good jobs, don't want to learn, too much cheating, govt not work good", you get the idea. Would you really want to hear, "Indeed, the systemic failings in the Thai political system indicate…" on a daily basis, even from your countrymen? Hah!

 

I'm taking her back to the US, and at 45 I doubt she'll be going to university to ever get out that high level speech. But I don't think it's necessary. I know what she means, and that time would be better spent going to work and sending some money back home to the fam, during which she'll most likely pick up some better English anyway.

 

Something they often told us in my ESL program was not to judge a book by its cover regarding "broken English". While it certainly indicates a limitation in language, it tells nothing about limitations in intelligence. You really don't know what's in there as they can't yet get it out, and they'll need your help in doing so. That ought to be the takeaway from this thread. While you wouldn't want every convo to be deep and intellectual, with a little digging, patience, and hand holding, it could get a bit closer to that, on those occasions one tires of hearing about somtam.

[GinBoy2]

Oh Dear another relationship crisis.

 

But don't I think this is exactly restricted to Thai/Farang partnerships, welcome to modern life.

 

If you are really unhappy, well you got to get out, after all this isn't a dress rehearsal for life!

 

Now here's some 'opinion'. 

 

Keep your daughter in farangland, wherever that may be in the EU. Educate her in the West.

 

Would your wife go back to Thailand? If so she'll probably leave the daughter with you, thats not uncommon.

 

On your relationship issue.

 

What do any of us talk about?

 

My wife grew up in Chicago as a teenager, college in Chicago, so we share similar backgrounds.

 

But we talk about;

 

Whats for dinner

How was your day at work

What do you want to do at the weekend

Endless discussions about our kids and grandkids

The battle of watching Thai or US TV in the evening

 

We do argue about politics, she's a rabid Republican and I'm a bleeding heart liberal. But I can vote, she can't, so I always win that one!

 

But in general for most of us, life can be pretty mundane, but we just feel comfortable with each other.

 

You got decisions to make, but none of us keyboard warriors can help you at the end of the day

Edited March 13, 2023 by GinBoy2

[johnnybangkok]

6 hours ago, GinBoy2 said:

Oh Dear another relationship crisis.

 

But don't I think this is exactly restricted to Thai/Farang partnerships, welcome to modern life.

 

If you are really unhappy, well you got to get out, after all this isn't a dress rehearsal for life!

 

Now here's some 'opinion'. 

 

Keep your daughter in farangland, wherever that may be in the EU. Educate her in the West.

 

Would your wife go back to Thailand? If so she'll probably leave the daughter with you, thats not uncommon.

 

On your relationship issue.

 

What do any of us talk about?

 

My wife grew up in Chicago as a teenager, college in Chicago, so we share similar backgrounds.

 

But we talk about;

 

Whats for dinner

How was your day at work

What do you want to do at the weekend

Endless discussions about our kids and grandkids

The battle of watching Thai or US TV in the evening

 

We do argue about politics, she's a rabid Republican and I'm a bleeding heart liberal. But I can vote, she can't, so I always win that one!

 

But in general for most of us, life can be pretty mundane, but we just feel comfortable with each other.

 

You got decisions to make, but none of us keyboard warriors can help you at the end of the day

Words of wisdom there.

 

'none of us keyboard warriors can help you'. You need to seek professional help whether it be for yourself or as a couple. This is NOT the place to get your solutions. 

[Chinaski1990]

28 minutes ago, johnnybangkok said:

Words of wisdom there.

 

'none of us keyboard warriors can help you'. You need to seek professional help whether it be for yourself or as a couple. This is NOT the place to get your solutions. 

To be honest I asked here because a community of Thai expats and travellers are far likely to appreciate where I'm coming from than some therapist who's clueless about this kind of dynamic or situation. I've tried therapy a couple of times for anxiety and low self esteem but it's difficult to avoid the conclusion that it's an industry chock-full of charlatans charging extortionate fees. 

[Chinaski1990]

6 hours ago, GinBoy2 said:

Oh Dear another relationship crisis.

 

But don't I think this is exactly restricted to Thai/Farang partnerships, welcome to modern life.

 

If you are really unhappy, well you got to get out, after all this isn't a dress rehearsal for life!

 

Now here's some 'opinion'. 

 

Keep your daughter in farangland, wherever that may be in the EU. Educate her in the West.

 

Would your wife go back to Thailand? If so she'll probably leave the daughter with you, thats not uncommon.

 

On your relationship issue.

 

What do any of us talk about?

 

My wife grew up in Chicago as a teenager, college in Chicago, so we share similar backgrounds.

 

But we talk about;

 

Whats for dinner

How was your day at work

What do you want to do at the weekend

Endless discussions about our kids and grandkids

The battle of watching Thai or US TV in the evening

 

We do argue about politics, she's a rabid Republican and I'm a bleeding heart liberal. But I can vote, she can't, so I always win that one!

 

But in general for most of us, life can be pretty mundane, but we just feel comfortable with each other.

 

You got decisions to make, but none of us keyboard warriors can help you at the end of the day

Thanks for your reply. My partner leaving to go back to Thailand would be the best solution and I wouldn't mind at all if my daughter stayed with me, particularly as her mum will want to see her for a month or two per year which will give me enough time to travel. With the bond between them though I can't see my partner leaving my country without my daughter accompanying her, which would suck. 

[asf6]

Hi Chinaski1990, just out of interest, are your wife and daughter happy (with the domestic situation, with life generally and with life in your country)? 

[scorecard]

On 3/11/2023 at 3:12 PM, Chinaski1990 said:

^ Our child is 4 years old. I have not discussed this with her because it seems like a lost cause in the sense that as soon as I open my mouth about unhappiness I'll either be accused of cheating or she'll overreact in some other way. 

And perhaps 4 is a little young for the little girl to be analyzing the situation and giving any real balanced comment.  (I have 3 young Thai granddaughters, I'm well aware they respond (like kids in any country) with whatever drives their current likes and dislikes, which change by the minute.) 

 

Is there are value in carefully suggesting some form of councelling, with both you and your wife attending together?

 

I'm aware of a councellor (not in Thailand) who has saved several marriages by getting the wife and husbnad together and making a list of activities, mostly activities new to the partnership, that maybe they would readily agree to explore/learn togther.

 

The counsellor did weelkly follow up aimed at ensuring both partners were trying, including asking them to share what they liked or enjoyed /didn't like or enjoy in regard to the xxxx activity.

 

Plus what could your partner do more in the xxx activity that you think would make it more enjoyable together.

 

Is there a mutual friend (a friend of both the prtners who could play this role.Always keeping mind that change needs solid continuous work and commitment. 

 

But of course this is not the magic elixir to all such situations. 

Edited March 13, 2023 by scorecard

[Bangkok Barry]

On 3/11/2023 at 4:12 PM, Chinaski1990 said:

Living in the EU although would rather not get too specific on which country.

Why? What are you hiding? There are specific conditions relating to different countries, different help and advice that might be available. Bizarre behaviour.

[Chinaski1990]

7 minutes ago, Bangkok Barry said:

Why? What are you hiding? There are specific conditions relating to different countries, different help and advice that might be available. Bizarre behaviour.

You are obviously not very familiar with the problem of doxxing. But it happens a lot online and I'd rather not take that risk. 

[Chinaski1990]

20 minutes ago, asf6 said:

Hi Chinaski1990, just out of interest, are your wife and daughter happy (with the domestic situation, with life generally and with life in your country)? 

Yeah they actually are quite happy. Although in the case of my partner it's perhaps unsurprising given the money she earns working here far exceeds what she got in a restaurant in Thailand. 

 

After five years living in my country she becomes entitled to a passport here so I know she is holding out for that and I can't say I blame her. 

[Bangkok Barry]

2 minutes ago, Chinaski1990 said:

You are obviously not very familiar with the problem of doxxing. But it happens a lot online and I'd rather not take that risk. 

So, along with your other problems relating to difficulty in communicating with your partner, you are paranoid. I think, as several others have suggested, that you need to seek professional medical or psychiatric advice.

[Chinaski1990]

3 minutes ago, Bangkok Barry said:

So, along with your other problems relating to difficulty in communicating with your partner, you are paranoid. I think, as several others have suggested, that you need to seek professional medical or psychiatric advice.

Not arguing at all about needing professional medical advice. But I'm far from paranoid just don't want to be doxxed. 

[scorecard]

59 minutes ago, Bangkok Barry said:

So, along with your other problems relating to difficulty in communicating with your partner, you are paranoid. I think, as several others have suggested, that you need to seek professional medical or psychiatric advice.

Is there somewhere in this a desire for a utopian situation which of course doesn't really exist.

 

List the positives and accept nothing is perfect and never will be. As most/all other couples do, ride out the bumps. That's life.

[Elkski]

So your wife has a job, even part time, is a decent mother it sounds like, and spends 8 hours online?  She is amazing then.   It sounds like you have the feeling your missing out on life and feel the need to travel.  You need hobbies to do together.   Perhaps some as a couple with a sitter and others as a family many Thai country folks enjoy Mushroom hunting, catching fish, hiking.   My Thai wife can find sure footing on the steepest slopes or jump across a creek or walk a narrow log fall to cross a creek with the best.  20 years on BKK sidewalks is great training for mountain climbing.  Do you enjoy cooking together?  Is the sex still good and getting better like it should be? I don't mind my wife looking at Facebook for the first 5-10 mins.  When she puts her phone down I know I'm getting some.  Social media acceptance is different for everyone.  My 90 year old father hates it when I or his grandchildren are listening to him and looking at thier phone.  

You need to open up communication and not be afraid she will think your having an affair.   It sounds like you couldn't handle 2 women so focus on the one you have.   Look around and ask how many guys wish they had a woman like yours.  Of course you should have married a much younger woman.  Good luck but don't give up just yet.  Tell your wife about how you're feeling.  I think she is smart enough to know it's not her but you who needs to work on things.   And a good wife will be supportive and the rewards can be big for your family.  

Edited March 13, 2023 by Elkski

[Dan O]

2 hours ago, Chinaski1990 said:

To be honest I asked here because a community of Thai expats and travellers are far likely to appreciate where I'm coming from than some therapist who's clueless about this kind of dynamic or situation. I've tried therapy a couple of times for anxiety and low self esteem but it's difficult to avoid the conclusion that it's an industry chock-full of charlatans charging extortionate fees. 

From what you described in your posts it seems to me you are the weak link and not the wife. You seem to be suffering from a long period of depression from childhood and want to blame the wife for your issues to the point of blaming her because you don't want to or are afraid to talk about your issues with her. I feel sorry for you, the wife and certainly the child. You may want to deal with your personal emotional shortcomings and not blame someone else. If you leave, your problem go with you as they are your baggage and not hers  

[Dan O]

1 hour ago, Chinaski1990 said:

Not arguing at all about needing professional medical advice. But I'm far from paranoid just don't want to be doxxed. 

Your talk paranoid bs dude. You need to get some help for your issues before you make any major decisions. 

[Dan O]

43 minutes ago, Elkski said:

So your wife has a job, even part time, is a decent mother it sounds like, and spends 8 hours online?  She is amazing then.   It sounds like you have the feeling your missing out on life and feel the need to travel.  You need hobbies to do together.   Perhaps some as a couple with a sitter and others as a family many Thai country folks enjoy Mushroom hunting, catching fish, hiking.   My Thai wife can find sure footing on the steepest slopes or jump across a creek or walk a narrow log fall to cross a creek with the best.  20 years on BKK sidewalks is great training for mountain climbing.  Do you enjoy cooking together?  Is the sex still good and getting better like it should be? I don't mind my wife looking at Facebook for the first 5-10 mins.  When she puts her phone down I know I'm getting some.  Social media acceptance is different for everyone.  My 90 year old father hates it when I or his grandchildren are listening to him and looking at thier phone.  

You need to open up communication and not be afraid she will think your having an affair.   It sounds like you couldn't handle 2 women so focus on the one you have.   Look around and ask how many guys wish they had a woman like yours.  Of course you should have married a much younger woman.  Good luck but don't give up just yet.  Tell your wife about how you're feeling.  I think she is smart enough to know it's not her but you who needs to work on things.   And a good wife will be supportive and the rewards can be big for your family.  

At this point based on his comments if he talks to her he'll probably just blame her and create some addition bs baggage. 

[Bangkok Barry]

8 hours ago, Chinaski1990 said:

Not arguing at all about needing professional medical advice. But I'm far from paranoid just don't want to be doxxed. 

Sorry, I have no ideas what doxxed is, even if the x's stand for something else.

[BananaStrong]

Bro, THIS is life.

 

I don't have any kids, but that's only because more than one woman decided to visit a clinic.   anyhow...

 

they say marry your best friend.  WRONG.  I lived with my sexless best friend for years, boring!!!!!   safe, but boring!!!

 

they say marry the biggest slut, OK nobody says that, but that will make you go mad..

 

I think marriage is for kids, only kids.  so just put 100% into your child for as long as you can.   make that work.  everything.   be their best friend.   

 

let the wife be a part of your life and........................................well........................take a few trips to Pattaya.   Yea, I really do mean this and it sounds horrible, but a little spice elsewhere where you can't be caught could help everyone involved.   don't let your phone track you, use protection, get the stress out (maybe just a happy massage ending) and don't blame me if it makes things worse.  lol

[robblok]

18 hours ago, transam said:

Sooooooooooooooo funny..........Common hobbies, You're single then....????

 

 

So funny indeed. All of the GF's i been with liked diving its a common hobby. Traveling can be too. Maybe your just stuck in the past. I was quite respectful with your opinion but you seem to be combative as ever. So no need for me to hold back either. 

 

Your exactly as the group in my fathers age you might be older and yes it was uncommon then. Guess what old dad regrets it a lot. Its important to have common ground how else can you have a relationship.

[robblok]

17 hours ago, CrunchWrapSupreme said:

Ah hah. You've touched upon an important point here.

 

Given her vocabulary, I've at times been amazed with what my wife's been able to put together. I can tell she's got a lot more in there upstairs than she lets on, and only her limited grasp of the language is getting in the way. I think the same goes for most Thais.

 

I can tell she's especially passionate about her country's adversities, that she'd just love to get out with a high level, academic speech in English about it, but can't. The inequality, the corruption, the lack of opportunity, the education system. She makes do with what she has, quite the Thai way, resulting in a lot of "they no have, no good jobs, don't want to learn, too much cheating, govt not work good", you get the idea. Would you really want to hear, "Indeed, the systemic failings in the Thai political system indicate…" on a daily basis, even from your countrymen? Hah!

 

I'm taking her back to the US, and at 45 I doubt she'll be going to university to ever get out that high level speech. But I don't think it's necessary. I know what she means, and that time would be better spent going to work and sending some money back home to the fam, during which she'll most likely pick up some better English anyway.

 

Something they often told us in my ESL program was not to judge a book by its cover regarding "broken English". While it certainly indicates a limitation in language, it tells nothing about limitations in intelligence. You really don't know what's in there as they can't yet get it out, and they'll need your help in doing so. That ought to be the takeaway from this thread. While you wouldn't want every convo to be deep and intellectual, with a little digging, patience, and hand holding, it could get a bit closer to that, on those occasions one tires of hearing about somtam.

I once send a GF to a language school it helped a lot. You are a teacher have you never thought about sending her somewhere to learn a language ?. Doing it yourself is possible but hard (maybe not as a teacher).

 

IMHO without one party having good command on the others party his or her language relationships will be shallow.

 

But I am not judging some like shallow and dont need more. 

[Yellowtail]

10 hours ago, Chinaski1990 said:

Thanks for your reply. My partner leaving to go back to Thailand would be the best solution and I wouldn't mind at all if my daughter stayed with me, particularly as her mum will want to see her for a month or two per year which will give me enough time to travel. With the bond between them though I can't see my partner leaving my country without my daughter accompanying her, which would suck. 

Best solution for you probably, and then you would not have to feel guilty for not sending her money. 

 

I assume you already have someone lined up to step in as a new mother for the girl, yes? 

[Chinaski1990]

3 hours ago, Yellowtail said:

Best solution for you probably, and then you would not have to feel guilty for not sending her money. 

 

I assume you already have someone lined up to step in as a new mother for the girl, yes? 

Don't have anyone lined up no. But that type of situation seems pretty common. I've talked to a number of Thai women who have kids with falang ex's and in the vast majrotiy of cases where they are divorced or split up, the kid lives back in Europe or the US with dad and travels to see mum every year for a couple of months. Seems like it works but I dunno.

[Chinaski1990]

Relationships between unhappy parents end all the time in Europe and the US. Sticking it out just because my partner is Thai does not seem to make much sense to me. I was damaged enough from my own obviously unhappy parents staying together (they are still bloody together), whether because they thought it was the right thing or they felt stuck. I don't want that but I don't have many options...at least if it was a normal relationship we could split up and my partner would have a support structure of family to fall back on in my country. So choices and outcomes seem very limited in the sense that I'm being squeezed into living the exact same unhappy partnership my parents had. And with my daughter being four, time is running out to end it at an age where it's less likely to be damaging as opposed to say when she's 7 or 8, or god forbid in her teens. 

[transam]

6 hours ago, robblok said:

So funny indeed. All of the GF's i been with liked diving its a common hobby. Traveling can be too. Maybe your just stuck in the past. I was quite respectful with your opinion but you seem to be combative as ever. So no need for me to hold back either. 

 

Your exactly as the group in my fathers age you might be older and yes it was uncommon then. Guess what old dad regrets it a lot. Its important to have common ground how else can you have a relationship.

Yep, you're single, couldn't find a partner to do dead lifts....????

 

So what does an army SAS bloke's intended have to be good at....????..?

[GinBoy2]

9 hours ago, Bangkok Barry said:

Sorry, I have no ideas what doxxed is, even if the x's stand for something else.

I had to google it too since I'd never heard the word before;

 

dox

/däks/

verb

INFORMAL

past tense: doxxed; past participle: doxxed

search for and publish private or identifying information about (a particular individual) on the internet, typically with malicious intent.

"hackers and online vigilantes routinely dox both public and private figures"

[GinBoy2]

18 hours ago, Chinaski1990 said:

Relationships between unhappy parents end all the time in Europe and the US. Sticking it out just because my partner is Thai does not seem to make much sense to me. I was damaged enough from my own obviously unhappy parents staying together (they are still bloody together), whether because they thought it was the right thing or they felt stuck. I don't want that but I don't have many options...at least if it was a normal relationship we could split up and my partner would have a support structure of family to fall back on in my country. So choices and outcomes seem very limited in the sense that I'm being squeezed into living the exact same unhappy partnership my parents had. And with my daughter being four, time is running out to end it at an age where it's less likely to be damaging as opposed to say when she's 7 or 8, or god forbid in her teens. 

As others have said, maybe seeking some professional therapy to work out the issues you have in your own upbringing might help you figure out where you are going in your adult relationships.

 

Life's tough, but don't please think that talking to random folks online is going to help you sort it out.

 

The fact that this is a Thai forum and many of us are in farang/thai relationships gives us no better insight into your issues than Joe Blow on the street