My marriage is heading south. Dont know what to do.

[brewsterbudgen]

1 minute ago, FritsSikkink said:

What a load of nonsense. I work and have worked with a lot of Thai people who have a great education (not a micky mouse college degree). They have far more money than the average poster here. One can have great conversations about many topics and they don't grovel.

Well said.  I think many people here have very limited contact with normal Thai people!

[surat04]

2 hours ago, bignok said:

Not at age 10. Age 15+ matters.

15 is too late in Thailand.

They need to be in the top class when they start secondary school.

They can't catch up that lost time.

[Yellowtail]

Getting into a great government high school here requires excellent academic skills. 

 

Thinking you're going to throw a little money around and get them in is silly. 

[Yellowtail]

30 minutes ago, surat04 said:

15 is too late in Thailand.

They need to be in the top class when they start secondary school.

They can't catch up that lost time.

15 is pretty late anywhere. 

[Furioso]

To whomever said "you marry the culture" I'll say from my experience this is mostly correct. I lived in several countries around this big ole' globe, here's what I've seen.

 

Well, most guys who married Korean girls ah, it was mostly pretty pathetic..I went over to a few houses the Korean woman was usually on the verge of hysterics anytime the husband walked out the door, even to go to work. Basically the man was a weak slave to his Korean wife..and she kept all the money, always looking for free stuff or sales. 

The guys I knew who married Panamanians their wives usually got fat and very unattractive pretty quick. Sad, pathetic, no way in hell I would go through that. One guy told me once he and his wife moved to the U.S. she did very little but eat donuts. I couldn't have my wife to that, not for more than one day. Call me crazy. 

 

In Japan, it was during their lost generation a few guys I knew married Japanese women, usually from dysfunctional families.  One VERY INFAMOUS story was this Japanese family married off their mentally ill daughter to a guy I knew who worked down the hall from me. She was a sweet woman, just not well at all. The HUGE story everybody knew was where she tried to put eyedrops in their dogs eyes, except it was Krazy glue. Other guys that married Japanese girls was the typical case where she didn't like Japanese guys so she married a Gaijin and was totally dependent on him. Basically stay at home mom. 

Let me see, Guam? Yeah, nobody I knew bothered. Oahu? Very rare unless they were going to stay on the island forever. Turkey? I knew an older guy who married a hot younger Turkish girl, she did it to move up in status QUICK, then screwed the guys around him that were more her age. Big trouble. 

 

A few other countries I won't name..the guys I knew married very plain looking women that they didn't match up well with anyway. I've got lot's of crazy stories I can tell..the guy who's wife would slash him with a knife as she was an ex bar girl who drank to excess..he showed me the scars, he stuck with her way longer than I would have, which would have been <5 seconds. 

 

But yes, I can definitely see how you can marry a foreign woman, have a child, and then one parent pushes the child to excess, while the other parent goes along with it until they realize they're in a big mess that's hard to either fix or escape without severe family disruption. 

[findlay13]

On 7/4/2023 at 10:36 PM, bignok said:

My gf does.

Yeah right

[swm59nj]

So you want to divorce because your wife is pushing your child to succeed in life?  And because she is paying more attention to your child at this point than you? 
Maybe try to get more involved in his studies.  He need guidance at his age. Then maybe you and your wife can reach some compromise.  
If he is in a special math program.  I bet you child is very intelligent for his age
 

[ericthai]

22 hours ago, thaibeachlovers said:

Sooooo, you want the kid to have a wonderful childhood and end up in some dead end job for the rest of it's life?

IMO, in Asia success in life generally depends on success in school. That's because they don't take other people's money to support losers like in the west.

Come on, you know this is Thailand and a great education doesn't mean anything if you dont have the contacts and / or the money to pay for a good job!!

[soalbundy]

On 7/5/2023 at 12:54 AM, 1FinickyOne said:

Just wait until you are 65+ 

Can't agree, at 75 I have never felt better.

[bignok]

21 minutes ago, soalbundy said:

Can't agree, at 75 I have never felt better.

Because the pain is over soon?

[bignok]

27 minutes ago, swm59nj said:

So you want to divorce because your wife is pushing your child to succeed in life?

World champion 10yo?

[hotchilli]

On 7/4/2023 at 10:07 PM, advancebooking said:

I feel they both dont value my presence in this family anyway. 

If your daughter is so tired from her studies why does she not feel the same emotions as yo, and requesting a change?

You say they both don't value your presence?

Maybe you are the issue making waves?

[fredwiggy]

21 minutes ago, hotchilli said:

If your daughter is so tired from her studies why does she not feel the same emotions as yo, and requesting a change?

You say they both don't value your presence?

Maybe you are the issue making waves?

If you read what he posted, it explains what his wife is doing as far as valuing his opinion regarding their daughter. That is one of the problems in relationships, and it leads to more. His daughter might come across as not valuing his presence because she relates better to her mother, who might be overbearing and scary to her, whereas her dad might be the gentle, quieter one, and not the one in control here. How can one person feel the same emotions as another? They are two separate people, and one is 9 years old, which means she doesn't have near the emotional intelligence as an adult would. She is listening to her mother, and doing what she says. And some parents shouldn't be parents, and lead some children to their demise. Living your life through your children isn't a good thing for either party. Wanting your kids to succeed is normal. Pushing them for your own agenda isn't.

Edited July 5, 2023 by fredwiggy

[bigt3116]

Maybe stop constantly referring to the child as "my child", and accepting the fact that it is "our child", and as such your wife should have a 50/50 input on their current situation and future.

[NORDO]

Get a passport for your kid and go to your home country without the mom.

Probably get your child in a good school and better environment.

You are not trapped unless u want to be. You need to make some harsh decisions before they are made for you.

[soalbundy]

31 minutes ago, bignok said:

Because the pain is over soon?

No pain. My mental attitude towards life and death has changed enormously for the better over the years by privately studying the philosophy behind Buddhism and Hinduism and listening to physicists on YouTube such as Donald Hoffman and Thomas Campbell. I now appreciate that consciousness is the primary factor in the cosmos and that spacetime is just an interface for the manifestations of consciousness, after that comes the realization that all occurrences happen in the space of me but not to or for me. Basically we are the absolute but there is no you or me.......not everyone's cup of tea but it works for me.

[bignok]

1 minute ago, soalbundy said:

No pain. My mental attitude towards life and death has changed enormously for the better over the years by privately studying the philosophy behind Buddhism and Hinduism and listening to physicists on YouTube such as Donald Hoffman and Thomas Campbell. I now appreciate that consciousness is the primary factor in the cosmos and that spacetime is just an interface for the manifestations of consciousness, after that comes the realization that all occurrences happen in the space of me but not to or for me. Basically we are the absolute but there is no you or me.......not everyone's cup of tea but it works for me.

What books do you recommend?

[CecilM]

Doesn’t seem too unusual for Thai kids. The niece and nephew spent hours after class in tutoring schools and weekends too.
Babies get enrolled in some kind of learning classes at age 2-3.

Just recently saw a post looking for an evening tutor for a 2.5y/o kid.

(Many more examples could be listed.) Here my thoughts: I’d rather have a wife that pushes the kid than one that doesn’t care and thinks basic gov’t school education is sufficient. 

[Yellowtail]

2 hours ago, ericthai said:

Come on, you know this is Thailand and a great education doesn't mean anything if you dont have the contacts and / or the money to pay for a good job!!

This is simply not true. The only thing that really matters it that they can speak English, everything else is a waste of time. They don't need to waste any time learning silly stuff like math, that can all be done on a computer, all they need to do is speak English and they can choose between being a CEO, doctor, dentist or lawyer. 

 

Everyone knows this. 

[Moti24]

On 7/4/2023 at 10:07 PM, advancebooking said:

Ive been married near 10 yrs. We have a child under 10 who's in one of the competitive Maths programs at a govt' primary school.

 

I cannot believe how much homework and tests that my child has to endure. Its causing a lot of tension because I dont like seeing my kid getting woken up by my pushy wife at 530am and going to bed a 940pm tonight. So many hours of homework and questions to do from basically 5pm to 930pm tonight. Both of them are stressed by this stage of the night and I feel sorry for my child actually. 

 

I dont know if I can cope with years of this BS to come. 

 

If we divorce I worry about leaving my child alone with my wife who doesnt seem to care about the fact that a child that age needs 9 to 10 hours sleep. Im the one cooking healthy meals and if I go away my child lives off grab deliveries. 

 

My wife will not listen to me at all about these matters. I feel lonely in this marriage. My wife only cares about my childs success at school. 

 

The only thing that would save our marriage and sanity, in general, is if my child moves out of the program into a normal class. But cant see the wife allowing this. 

 

In summary, my wife is so caught up in her ambition for my child to succeed and be n.o 1 that she fails to see that its stressing everyone out and will probably be detrimental to our marriage that she doesnt seem to care about. 

 

If we finish we have to sell assets etc. Its would all be quite difficult. I would not know what to do with myself. Wondering if I should leave Thailand. I feel they both dont value my presence in this family anyway. 

About 16 years ago, I was teaching in a school just outside Bangkok.  I was living in a rented house at the end of a soi near the school.  Quite often, when walking home down the soi, I'd see a guy of about 21/22 riding his bike up and down the soi.  I spoke to him one day, but he just gave me a vacant look.  As time passed, we got to have longer conversations as I walked home, albeit short, but he started meeting me in the morning as well.

 

To cut a long story short, he was a gifted student at school, got good grades, and went to university.  One day, he suddenly flipped, left university, didn't speak for a long time, just rode his bike up and down the soi.  After about 6 months, we would have quite a nice conversation, but he still wouldn't speak to his parents.

 

I was teaching in Thailand for about 10 years before I retired.  A lot of parents think their child is the next Einstein, although it's more to do with losing face if the child is in the lower class.  I had many students who were learning with private tutors after school, were shipped off to more classes on a Saturday and Sunday, and would be almost asleep at their desk on a Monday morning.  At the end of the day, children need to be children, and allowed to find their own way, with help from their parents.

 

My advise to you is to get another member of the family to explain the above information to your wife; if the language is a barrier, get an interpreter.  Either way, you need outside help.

 

Best of luck.  I hope everything works out for you.

[FruitPudding]

7 minutes ago, Yellowtail said:

This is simply not true. The only thing that really matters it that they can speak English, everything else is a waste of time. They don't need to waste any time learning silly stuff like math, that can all be done on a computer, all they need to do is speak English and they can choose between being a CEO, doctor, dentist or lawyer. 

 

Everyone knows this. 

This is sarcasm, right?

[advancebooking]

59 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

I thought their parents just paid a bribe ........... either to the school to give the top marks, or the university to overlook the bad marks.

 

I gave my womans high-school teacher 500bht to take the high-school finals for her.

Way easier than her studying.

 

Bribes work for university places in the UK as well.

I had a chat with my kids headmaster, the university course director and the university admissions officer to ensure her place. They were all very co-operative.

No you are speaking BS. 

 

The top % of the class in the final year are offered the opportunity to do Medicine or Dentistry via the governments 'quota' system. These students who have the absolute highest GPA in the class have to decide which career they want. They have to sit an entrance exam to actually get into either discipline. The exam for Med and Dentistry is always held on the same day so it forces them to only choose one. If accepted they have to sign contracts with the govt to work in the thai govt hospital system for x amount of years. If they break contract they have to pay 2 million baht. This is the system thats been in place for many yrs. 

 

The students who dont cut the grade (as above) can go to a private uni to study dentistry, for example,  and its all high fees. So basically kids from wealthy families can still have their kids be a dentist.... But theres no opportunity for them to work in the govt hospital system. They get their training in the private clinics where they work....

[soalbundy]

33 minutes ago, bignok said:

What books do you recommend?

It isn't that easy, an epiphany doesn't come from reading a few books, I have been engaging with the 'hard problem' of brain and consciousness (how can something physical like the brain produce something non physical like the mind.....it can't) for almost thirty years. It starts with the feeling that something isn't quiet right. spiritual teachers often recommend reading Advaita Vedanta, a corner stone of the worlds oldest religion, Hinduism, I consider that too difficult to begin with. I would recommend watching some YouTube programs from the cognitive scientist Donald Hoffman about the illusion of reality and the end of spacetime as a basis for reality and go from there. An interesting documentary on YouTube is, 'is consciousness primary' by metaRising, they produce some good documentaries on the subject. Tony Parsons (YouTube) has some very radical views which are difficult to grasp for a beginner, he has written several books, his first is quite short, 'The open secret' which he wrote after having a spontaneous awakening while walking through a park in London where he realized that not only did he not exist but had never done so and for a few seconds he was the trees, the grass, the dogs etc. here my favorite excerpt:-

 

 

"There is no me or you, no seeker, no enlightenment, no disciple and no guru. There is no better or worse, no path or purpose, and nothing that has to be achieved.

All appearance is source. All that apparently manifests in the hypnotic dream of separation – the world, the life story, the search for home, is one appearing as two, the nothing appearing as everything, the absolute appearing as the particular.

There is no separate intelligence weaving a destiny and no choice functioning at any level. Nothing is happening but this, as it is, invites the apparent seeker to rediscover that which is . . . the abiding, uncaused, unchanging, impersonal silence from which unconditional love overflows and celebrates. It is the wonderful mystery."

At first I rejected it, only much later I came to see the truth in it, anyway, good luck.
 

[proton]

2 hours ago, soalbundy said:

Can't agree, at 75 I have never felt better.

it wont last ????

[Yellowtail]

28 minutes ago, FruitPudding said:

This is sarcasm, right?

Me? Sarcastic? Come on! 

[BritManToo]

27 minutes ago, advancebooking said:

No you are speaking BS. 

 

The top % of the class in the final year are offered the opportunity to do Medicine or Dentistry via the governments 'quota' system. These students who have the absolute highest GPA in the class have to decide which career they want. They have to sit an entrance exam to actually get into either discipline. The exam for Med and Dentistry is always held on the same day so it forces them to only choose one. If accepted they have to sign contracts with the govt to work in the thai govt hospital system for x amount of years. If they break contract they have to pay 2 million baht. This is the system thats been in place for many yrs. 

 

Odd that they never offered this option to my daughter that came 2nd in her year at government school in 2017.

Edited July 6, 2023 by BritManToo

[phetpeter]

The first thing today, is visit the school, find out if the have a homework class after normal lessons. if so like my daugheters school she would stay an extra hour and do her homework, with the assistence of a teacher. If not find a teacher who does a homework class privately. look at what homework she is getting and go and speak to the school

[Yellowtail]

11 minutes ago, BritManToo said:

Odd that they never offered this option to my daughter that came 2nd in her year at government school in 2017.

Did she sit for the test? They don't go door to door, you (or your wife) has to be involved with the system. 

[Yellowtail]

5 minutes ago, phetpeter said:

The first thing today, is visit the school, find out if the have a homework class after normal lessons. if so like my daugheters school she would stay an extra hour and do her homework, with the assistence of a teacher. If not find a teacher who does a homework class privately. look at what homework she is getting and go and speak to the school

My boy went to a Catholic school, which had the main program that ended around 15:00 and an English program that ended at 17:00, English speaking teachers were mostly Filipinas.  

 

He did not seem to have a whole lot of homework, and I thought the school was great. 

[lemonjelly]

You’re considering divorce and leaving your child because their homework routine is stressing you out, seriously? <deleted>, get a grip.