divorce yes/no

[Prubangboy]

2 minutes ago, FritsSikkink said:

He wants to keep the kid while he knows he can't take care of it. that is selfish.

Agreed. This isn't an "I don't know what to do" post.

 

This is an "I don't like my obvious choices, please help me think of a magic choice that I do like"-post.

[1FinickyOne]

6 hours ago, Pistachio said:

I want her to go away and leave the kids here and I suggested it to her and she agreed to it. The issue is that I can't look after the children on my own.

Wasn't there a joke like this? 

 

The guy tells his psychiatrist that his brother htinks he is a chicken 

Why don't you tell him he is not a chicken

We can't - we need the eggs. 

 

When you married did you not understand that there would be cultural differences? And that maybe you wuold also have to make some changes? 

[Chris Daley]

You just described the perfect relationship.  Two people that are tired and bored but stay together for their children.  You made some vague rant about technology.  All they have to do is pass the exams and most of that is homework/assignments that's it.  School is a piece of piss.

 

If you throw away what you have now you might end up with something far worse.

 

Edited October 22, 2023 by Chris Daley

[bob smith]

2 hours ago, Nick Carter icp said:

Is neither a Western morality or Thai morality

You literally just said western guys usually have higher morals than that.

 

read before you post in future you melon!! 

[alien365]

1 hour ago, FritsSikkink said:

He wants to keep the kid while he knows he can't take care of it. that is selfish.

At what point did I mention selfishness? I picked up on calling others cowards, as if you must continue doing something that isn't working for anyone. That's more foolishness to me. 

 

Regarding not being able to take care of the kids, that's part of the reason why he is asking for advice. He knows he can't do that, therefore he is not being selfish by asking for ideas on how to deal with this. 

[4MyEgo]

7 hours ago, Pistachio said:

After living together I find that for the last year maybe two I am struggling to stay in this relationship which I know has no future.

The relationship has a future, if you try to adapt/adjust in the way you think. There is no recipe for a marriage, it takes two to Tango, there are lots of ups and downs, that is what marriage is all about, forget the BS you hear, and as two, you become one.....lol. Read on....please.

 

7 hours ago, Pistachio said:

We are both tired and only the kids are keeping us going.

All marriages get tiresome, but you have to find the time to get together, put in, so that you can get back, of course the kids are keeping you going, that is why people get married, then they have kids and good old hubby becomes 2nd or 3rd best, so get used to it Dad.

 

7 hours ago, Pistachio said:

My wife doesn't want to learn the language.

So don't force her to learn it, have you considered learning Thai, how would you feel if you lived in Thailand and you didn't want to learn the language, but she kept busting your balls to learn it. Live and let live, try not to be so controlling, because control you will bring you undone in any relationship, learn to let go and try to enjoy the moment, the relationship, F everything else, enjoy the kids, smile, laugh, make some jokes, you both need it, be the leader, I am sure the kids will develop better as well.

 

7 hours ago, Pistachio said:

She doesn't fit in at all and I'm getting pissed off that she can't fit into the way of life in Europe.

If she doesn't feel as if she fits in, then understand that, don't force it, again, it appears that you are too controlling for your own good, sure we want our wives to fit in, but when we lived overseas, my wife didn't want to mix with others, however if there was something on like a BBQ she would attend with me, but as for going out, not unless it was with just me. Now that we live in Thailand, she is even more isolated and doesn't want to spend time with friends, even her own, she enjoys our kids, gives her family a wide berth, unless she needs to see them. I respect her as an individual, even though it gets under my skin because I have a good expat community here and am the only one who turns up without his wife and kids, but hey, why would I want to force her, yes it would be good for the kids to mix with other kids too, but I am not going to get into an argument, I am a big boy, I can enjoy myself without her company, albeit it I would love her to be there with the kids, but when you know it isn't going to happen, let it go and hope, maybe one day, after all, I wouldn't want to babysit her there if she wasn't enjoying herself.

 

7 hours ago, Pistachio said:

Home is a mess everything I don't feel the warmth of home like I did in my youth.

Ah, yes, the mess, well HELLO, things change, you can decide that you will clean it up to your satisfaction, or live in it as I do. As long as she cooks, washes and cleans occasionally, and of course looks after the kids, just adapt. You are no longer living in your youth or at home with mum and dad when things might have been different.

 

7 hours ago, Pistachio said:

She doesn't have a system in things she brings up the children without rules she would like to give them a tablet which I have forbidden her to do.

System is something not taught here so forget it, if I counted the amount of times that I said Tiruk, dinner is at 6pm, not 8pm, I would lose count. As long as you can find things and she doesn't go chopping and changing things the way mine does, you might survive, mine changes things, puts things elsewhere, then I can't find them and she struggles to as well at times. If she was raised in a household without a system, then she won't know how to create a system, so you will have to communicate with her as to how you would like it like that because XYZ, after all, she is not stupid and can learn, right ?

 

7 hours ago, Pistachio said:

Raising children in her eyes is that it is enough if she dresses them and gives them food. I don't see the motherly love she plays with her phone all the time.

Thai's don't have that European touch whereby they will hug the kids or spend time with them, it is just the way it is, everything starts at home, so if she is dressing them and feeding them, they know they are loved, you can be the European Dad and hug them, kiss them etc if that makes you feel good, I don't, it's just the way I was brought up, but I do speak with them, educate them and occasionally give them a hug and a kiss, each to their own, as long as the kids here, I love you and you are positive, they will get it.

 

7 hours ago, Pistachio said:

The kids see this I try to create activities for them but I'm on my own and I'm exhausted.

These days kids survive on iPads, Tablets, TV's, Play stations, long gone are the creativities unless your prepared to do it all, even getting them to a shopping centre is difficult, KIDS: What, you want us to go outside, in the heat, for an hours drive to walk around, yuk, ok, then lets go to the pool, YUK, ok, then lets go on holidays, YEY......then you have to convince the wife to come along....LOL

 

7 hours ago, Pistachio said:

At home my stuff is a mess in my bookshelf she has papers meds and minc together. No system in things.

Create your own space, forget about the system, as long as you know where your stuff is, I mean I can tell you where everything on the floor in the living room is that belongs to the dog, including some of his food that he has stashed.

 

7 hours ago, Pistachio said:

He doesn't go out with us he says the sun is shining too much or it's too cold again.

They love being indoors.

 

7 hours ago, Pistachio said:

I want to divorce but I don't know what to do with the kids? Should I plough on with this marriage for the kids? 

I have been divorced before and raised a child on a 50/50 basis, it ain't pretty, especially if your working full time. Careful what you wish for. Do I want to divorce my wife, sure, at times I just want to F O to teach her a lesson, but that would be my down fall as I wouldn't be growing as a person, walking away from my responsibilities, to our kids, to my wife, to myself. Learn to grow, leave misery, don't allow it to take over your marriage, your life, because misery will always be there if you allow misery to control your thoughts (it's in your head).

 

7 hours ago, Pistachio said:

Divorce in Europe is complicated because the court will probably order her to stay here and we'll have alternate custody.

Divorces are a no win for all concerned, especially the kids.

 

7 hours ago, Pistachio said:

I want her to go away and leave the kids here and I suggested it to her and she agreed to it.

Careful what you wish for........your both in this marriage and you both have to be responsible for your kids sakes, if you think you have big enough balls to take on the role of both mum and dad, well Kudos to you, but will it be fair on the kids, as kids usually love there mums 1st and foremost.

 

7 hours ago, Pistachio said:

The issue is that I can't look after the children on my own. Unfortunately I don't have support in my family. 

So what are your alternatives ?

 

7 hours ago, Pistachio said:

Any idea how to resolve this. 

Yes, in my opinion, you need to sit down, start opening up and listening to her, we all know what's on your mind, but what's on hers, as Thai's usually don't open up. Once you have some understanding on what's on her mind then you can move forward as a couple. There is no ingredient to a marriage, but I do know that communication and acceptance, as much as I don't like the latter at times, does help to move forward, get back into those hugs and kisses or it will be the end of you.

 

Best of luck, we all need it.

[Will B Good]

Do what is best for the kids.....not you or your wife.

 

I divorced my Serbian/Italian wife and told the kids I was moving to Germany to live.......all four voted to come with me.....little s*ds.......single dad with four kids, new job, new country.....couldn't stop laughing.

[JensenZ]

4 hours ago, QuantumQuandry said:

That is the current western model but every relationship is different and has different dynamics.

 

Relationships don't need to all conform to the modern western "men and women are exactly the same and have the same roles and responsibilities" paradigm, imo.

 

That said, there does need to be respect going both ways.

It's an archaic attitude no matter how you want to spin it. What you're suggesting is that the husband and wife are not equals. The OP certainly doesn't think his wife is his equal, and he demands compliance to his wishes.

[JensenZ]

5 hours ago, Oliver Holzerfilled said:

"she plays with her phone all the time."

 

Maybe she's just chatting with her "brother."

My wife is on her phone all day too - doesn't concern me at all. The OP should have had a good look around while he was in Thailand - EVERYONE is on their phones all day long.

 

When I want to discuss something with my wife, I do insist she puts it down - not an easy task at all LOL

Edited October 22, 2023 by JensenZ

[Chris Daley]

Divorce over a tablet.  what a loser.  Sounds to me like she is doing her bit.  Washing and cooking taking care of the house.  If you don't like Thai language you should have thought about that before having the kids and ruining her life.

[Kenny202]

Sounds like a pretty A typical farang / Thai women (village born?) relationship to me. Lazy, entitled, selfish, greedy etc....Probably the full seven deadly sins all in one package. Even without their 11yo attitude / intellect / anger issues they usually have very little to bring to the table apart from usually kids, needy family and a lot of issues / debts. No world / real life experience, no initiative. So even if they were happy thoughtful, agreeable, helpful with their husband / kids they would still be next to useless, though most of us would be happy with someone that at least tried to contribute. Not act like everyone owes them something. They wont do anything by themselves and hate being asked to do anything. No interest in learning or personal growth. Hobbies include scrolling through Facebook liking posts and reading other peoples comments, various other social media, watching inane drama shows and sleeping. As far as cleaning, cooking or helping in anyway I assume you are probably doing that yourself including most of the children's care and paying for everything of course. Yet she still walks around with a shetty look on her face and an attitude like she is the down trodden one lol. I hear you and I think just about all the friends I have in Thailand are in similar relationships to some degree. Most of them stuck there and tolerating it because they are on the pension and house in her name...

 

As for your dilemma only you can work that out for yourself. What about the financial situation in Germany? Does she have the rights to half or more of everything you own like in most countries? Can you afford to bare that loss and start again? In any case sounds like you are in an intolerable situation and she has no interest in doing anything to make amends. By the way not all Thais / Thai women are like this by any stretch. Got some really good Thai friends and they live very much like we would. Tidy homes, structure in their life, have goals, work as a team together etc. The women we seem to be attracted to and indeed seek foreigners out are usually as you describe....bottom of the barrel, at the end of their road and looking for a free ride. These traits aren't cultural to Thailand....they are traits of a typical type of person found all around the world. The kids well, I guess you wouldn't be comfortable with her taking care of them....nor should you be by the sounds of it. She probably doesn't even want them but will play on that for sure. I would try and find out what it is she actually wants....if it is just exit stage left and leave the kids with you, and not suck you dry probably your best option. I got left with 4 kids in Australia and the first two weeks was hectic then it all worked itself out. You have to make the decision first that you are really going to finish it up with her, then start taking steps. It gets easier after you start moving. You didn't mention if she is working or solely dependent on you? Will be a lot of things possibly that can come into play even if she seems ammeniable to separating....one of which is her friends getting in her ears as to the financial possibilities. And you can bet they have their own forum in Germany with plenty or women giving out free (often ill informed) advice just like Asean now. I know it is not in our play book to use kids as pawns etc but they have no such qualms. I got left with a child here, very similar situation to yours but in Thailand. She had me dancing around on a string for three months manipulating me with my child. In the end I suggested to her she may be the one that gets "left holding the baby". That straightened her up 5000% and her whole attitude changed. They use your concern / love for the child actually against you...as they have no such feelings themselves.     

[JensenZ]

20 minutes ago, Chris Daley said:

Divorce over a tablet.  what a loser.  Sounds to me like she is doing her bit.  Washing and cooking taking care of the house.  If you don't like Thai language you should have thought about that before having the kids and ruining her life.

The OP is very short on useful information. Which country? If it is not a strong English-speaking country like the UK, Netherlands, or the Scandinavian countries, then the incentive to learn a 3rd language would be understandably low. Learning English as her 2nd language is the most practical as the lingua franca of Europe.

[Pistachio]

7 hours ago, brianthainess said:

So what language to you communicate in?

Have the kids started school yet? or even kindergarten?

Do they speak Thai?

Can you speak Thai?

I don't know in Europe, but many Thais lay on a bed all day looking at their phone. 

 

They speaks Czech and English a bit Thai. Yes older son will finish kindergarden and start go to scholl nex year.

[Pistachio]

6 hours ago, bob smith said:

If I knocked up a bar girl I would run a million miles.

 

Just sayin.

No she is not bar girl.

[Yellowtail]

3 minutes ago, Pistachio said:

They speaks Czech and English a bit Thai. Yes older son will finish kindergarden and start go to scholl nex year.

what kind of job do you have that leaves you exhausted with no time for the kids? 

 

 

[bob smith]

7 minutes ago, Pistachio said:

No she is not bar girl.

thanks for the clarification and I apologize for the stereotyping. 

 

It's just a lot of foreigners come to Thailand and end up marrying bar girls.

Mostly blokes with very low self esteem and prioritize thinking with the little head over the big one!

 

Best of luck to you.

[bignok]

6 hours ago, Nick Carter icp said:

Run away, as cowards do 

U have kids?

[Pistachio]

51 minutes ago, JensenZ said:

The OP is very short on useful information. Which country? If it is not a strong English-speaking country like the UK, Netherlands, or the Scandinavian countries, then the incentive to learn a 3rd language would be understandably low. Learning English as her 2nd language is the most practical as the lingua franca of Europe.

Czech republic - Czech

[Olmate]

6 minutes ago, bignok said:

U have kids

I have 20 grand kids, does that count? 

[bignok]

Why ask strangers about your own marriage?

[Pistachio]

8 hours ago, brianthainess said:

Are you from a Germanic country by any chance?

Czech

[Pistachio]

when it comes to sex life is almost non-existent I don't want to be selfish but my wife has gained weight. Breakfast rice meat lunch rice meat dinner rice meat. She has had diabetes for 3 years and doesn't take care of herself properly, doesn't follow doctor's recommendations, eats whatever she wants, it pisses me off.  Our children are eating at least bread for breakfast and I can at least sometimes eat together with the children. She usually eats alone when she feels like it, for example at night at 11 pm. We have no system as a family as breakfast lunch dinner we don't eat together. She's always making her Thai food and the whole fridge is filled with her sauces. ....

She has been in the Czech Republic for 4 years now there is zero interest in her learning the language. Everything is still handled by me in the Czech Republic papers documents. Few people speak English. Her English is bad at least if she would improve her English but she doesn't want to.  It irritates me how there is no call for self-development on her part. 

 

Edited October 22, 2023 by Pistachio

[Pistachio]

10 hours ago, bob smith said:

What a mess! 
 

Just leave her mate. 
and move somewhere else far far away. 
 

next time don’t rush into a relationship with an uneducated girl. You didn’t meet her in a bar, did you?

has finished her secondary school in Thailand she worked had a clothing store. She is independent from her family.

The problem is that her English is lousy and so is mine but she doesn't try to improve. There's minimal chance she'll find a job here. She is running out of state support here in the EU. The kids are older and it's slowly time to go to work. I can't say she doesn't work occasionally she cooks some Thai snakes at home and sells it via Facebook. The only chance is for her to maybe open a Thai massage place but I'm dreading how I'll be handling everything and she'll have a big big mess of paperwork. 

 

Edited October 22, 2023 by Pistachio

[Nick Carter icp]

1 hour ago, bignok said:

U have kids?

Yes

[Pistachio]

8 hours ago, OneMoreFarang said:

He owes the kids that he takes care of them, and not just financially.

That doesn't necessary mean that it is best to live together with the mother of the children who obviously doesn't take her role serious.

Maybe there is another woman out there would be much better in that position.

But obviously it is far away from easy to resolve this situation.

I'm also wondering which is the lesser of two evils to stay together where the kids feel some tension between us or to end it completely.
Probably if things go a bit it's better to live like this together because of the kids and arrange a personal life outside of it. 

[2ndhomepattaya]

Staying in any relationship that has broken down sucks big time. I don't think from my own experience the constant arguing is not only terrible on the kids but poisons the whole atmosphere. So, I would not be in the camp of advising you to soldier on just for the sake of the kids.

Yes, if you have no family around to help you out, consider employing childcare or even au-pairs. My wife and I went down this route as we also had no supporting family nearby either.

You do not say how old the kids are, my son bonded very quickly and easily with his carers in his kindergarten and junior school days.

Whatever you decide, it certainly is not an easy problem to resolve but not that impossible either.

Good luck

[Pistachio]

8 hours ago, DrJack54 said:

Showing your true colors.

Not surprised in the least. 

 

OP, you sound like a controlling kanker.

Also pretty foolish to think it's a simple gig to take a Thai to live ongoing in Europe. 

Not impossible however problematic

 

Maybe it looks like I'm checking on the families. I just want her to teach the kids basic things to eat at the table to brush their teeth. Slip out of their pajamas in the morning and not leave the kids in them with the TV on all day. Is that too much to ask?  When I have time and on weekends I spend all day outside with the kids. My wife is at home on the bed, scrolling through important stuff on Facebook. 555

[Pistachio]

I remember my mom's house was so clean I could eat off the floor. In our case it's completely different Thai woman is getting tired of lazy walk. 

[Pistachio]

9 hours ago, brianthainess said:

So what language to you communicate in?

Have the kids started school yet? or even kindergarten?

Do they speak Thai?

Can you speak Thai?

I don't know in Europe, but many Thais lay on a bed all day looking at their phone. 

 

I'd be very interested to know what the Thais were doing before when there were no phones. I have a feeling the Thais invented the Iphone and Facebook a thousand years ago. 

[Pistachio]

8 hours ago, Yellowtail said:

What kind of job do you have that leaves you exhausted with no time for your children? 

I have time for the kids, but mostly on weekends. I work as PM.